On today's #TeachableTuesday I'm digging into unresolved trauma. Healing from our past isn't always pretty and can be intense. So, much so that many blow it off or disregard it so they don't have to feel or relive that incident. How can unresolved trauma manifest? Tune in for more!

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here-

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/.../national-global...

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/ 

Today's #SoulfulSunday is all about giving permission. For who and about what? For you! How many of you put others first? Are you a people pleaser? Don't feel are deserving?

Learning to trust yourself, trusting your guts, and that you make wise decisions is part of learning how to give yourself permission. Make a list of things you want to do or of what you would like others to do for you! Slowly work through this list. Remember baby steps! Here are a few examples of what you can give yourself permission for:

Rest

Love for yourself

To heal from your past

To trust yourself

Establishing Boundaries

Consider asking a friend to join in this journey with you! Do you allow yourself to have permission to do things or do you struggle with doing so?

Kathy Baumann as she shares how using art journaling can awaken the vision in your soul. Here is a bit about her journey:

My Healing Story

Hello! I’m Kathy Baumann, FMCHC.

Everyone has a story, and mine was making me sick. Like many women, I was prescribing to the ‘Do More, Be More’ Story written on the invisible tablets of our society. Little did I know, the chase after more was slowly tearing down my body. The first sign of weakness came in my early 20s. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome accompanied by its partners: anxiety, depression, and GI discomfort.

Yet, still, I kept DOING… doing everything I could to be ‘better.’ I worked out harder, ate more strictly, and took medications and supplements. I tried countless different types of therapies, from aroma to Reiki. However, as the years went on and my stress levels continued to rise, my health slowly but surely deteriorated until I could no longer work. For me, 40 was the new 70. Despite seeing more than ten doctors and specialists, I was becoming very sick and very sad.

Desperate for answers, I decided to try Functional Medicine, and I am SO glad I did. My Functional Medicine doctor was the only doctor who tested me for Lyme Disease. Being too sick to take the recommended treatment of heavy antibiotics, I was referred to the resident Naturopathic Doctor. Dr. Weber's holistic approach not only addressed my physical health but also my emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well.

As the pollution of ruinous narratives cleared, I discovered a new story: the ‘Be You, Love You’ Story. The more I embraced this new prescription of cheerful words and consciously celebrated my worth, the better I felt.

For the first time ever, I learned how to align my words, my worth, and my wellness.

Celebrating worth isn't always easy. Some days life makes you forget you ever had any. I get it!

As a Functional Medicine Certified Health Coach, I am here to cheer you on. You can count on me to listen to your story (words), celebrate your character strengths (worth), and create healthy habits that stick (wellness).

Find her here-

https://kathybaumanncoaching.com/

https://www.facebook.com/baumannbicha

https://www.instagram.com/kathy.baumann.coaching/

FB Rise Up! Community- https://bit.ly/3hkcbXq

When we are in a situation that is not the norm our body reacts in various ways. Your heart rate can elevate, you may feel sweaty, your breathing increase, you may have bladder or issues that send you to the toilet. These symptoms can develop in everyone differently and they can also present differently. Someone could have physical symptoms of not sleeping, eating, or nightmares. Our bodies have a hormone reaction to these moments which can prompt us to have other responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn.

Your body is trying to figure out how to help you immediately and everything else goes to the wayside for a moment until that situation stabilizes. It may take up to 30 minutes for your body to calm back down.

Fight response examples: This is where you fight back, resist, or defend yourself.

On the flip side, this response can also be seen as-

Flight- Do you run away or back down when there is a challenging situation.

On the plus side-

Disengagement

Know-how

Perseverance

Industriousness

Know when to let things to or retreat to safety

Freeze- Playing possum in your life or when challenging or traumatic situations arise?

Plus side-

Mindfulness

Peace

Presence

Acute awareness

Fawn- This Bambi response is not the cute one you may be thinking of from the movie but...

Plus side-

Listener

Fair

Peacekeeper

Love and service

Compromiser

What can you do to begin healing these?

Admitting you have issues is the first step!

Can you find a trusted friend, family member, or counselor you can share with?

Can you remove yourself from the situation and find a safe home, workplace, or school alternative?

Reach out to a Women's Shelter to create a safety plan if needed.

13 years ago I had no self-confidence. No self-worth. And my self-esteem was in the toilet. You may be asking aren't those all the same thing?

Self-confidence is to feel competence and assurance in certain areas. Whether through your work or personally.

Self-worth is how we see our value and dignity as a human. This is the inner core of our being.

Self-esteem is how we believe, feel, and think about ourselves.

I felt like a failure! Maybe I didn't try hard enough in my marriage. Why didn't I try to stop the overspending so there wasn't so much debt or why didn't I make him pay the bills and mortgage so we didn't have to file bankruptcy?

This person that was supposed to love me and want me crushed my spirit to the point where living didn't seem worth it.

Perhaps you had a painful childhood, are in a toxic work environment, or an emotional upset that has sent you into a state of rock bottom.

What can you do?

- The first thing is to admit that you need help. Whether this is professional help or sharing with a trusting loved one about your situation.

- Begin to recognize how you talk to yourself. What does that inner voice in your head sound like? Is it your voice or someone else? Raising your awareness about this is really BIG! You can use journaling, being mindful of when you do this or therapy. Learning when you listening to those negative thoughts or putdowns in your mind will help you to begin to turn this around. Ask yourself would you let your friend or child speak to themselves this way? Consider giving yourself the same love and grace you would give to someone else if you heard them putting themselves down.

- Imagine yourself in a situation where you would act and feel confident. Is this standing up for yourself with an ex? Being heard in the workplace?  Finding your voice to share your story? Tap into how you would feel if you felt you were able to do any of these. Reflect on people that you know who you see as confident or that treat your well. This is where you want to be and if you notice someone that is confident ask them about their journey. Maybe they had similar challenges and you have watched them from afar as they have come into their own.

- Think about the good stuff that makes you “You!” What are the values and characteristics you like about yourself? Make a list! I would be glad that I was given the gift of listening so I can be that person to hold space when needed without judgment. If you struggle with finding juicy stuff as a supportive friend or family member to help you! Sometimes during dark moments, we have a hard time seeing the blue sky through the clouds and our friends can give us ideas you may not have even considered!

- Scrub what you are putting in your eyes and ears! What I mean by this is what are you watching or listening to daily? Is it uplifting or positive? This may mean that you need to stop watching the news, politics, dealing with conflicts at work or with family. Turn off the tube, put down the phone, and start using boundaries in your life.

-Most importantly give yourself permission to heal and grow! Know healing can be messy and hard. There may be times when you feel you need to step away and all of this is okay. Remember what works for someone else may not work for you and that's fine too!

Join me and Sorcha McAloon as she shares what was the 26-year-old secret that caught up with this former police officer and how sharing changed her life!

Sorcha is a retired police officer who now specializes in helping high-achieving women overcome childhood abuse/trauma so they can experience meaningful relationships and live life on their terms - unapologetically.

Website; www.sorchamcaloon.com

Social Media links

Facebook Private Group -

https://www.facebook.com/groups/worthywomenlifeonyourterms

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lifefreefromabuse/

Clubhouse - https://www.joinclubhouse.com/@sorchamcaloon

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here-

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/ 

National Suicide Prevention lifeline-800-273-8255

Join me and Arun Chittur as he shares several vulnerable moments in his life and his mission to help others struggling with transitioning from military careers into civilian life. Here's a bit about him:

"I'm a husband, father, and Buckeye! After 13 years in the active-duty Air Force, he became a financial advisor to help families build and live the future on their own terms, making decisions my wife and I should have made when we were younger. As a leadership development coach, my business focuses on empowering supervisors and managers in any industry to enable their teams and reclaim their own time for the things that matter most in life."

My main site is: www.enabledword.com

Subscribers to my newsletter will receive a brand-new ebook that helps any leader identify their team's core skills and develop a plan to train them to expert proficiency.

Martha Mok guides women who may have had a similar experience as she did, being in an abusive marriage, bullied at school since a young age, and sexually molested by someone she trusted. To find themselves again by not letting their past hold them back. She creates a super confident woman.

Martha is known as the super confidence coach, motivational speaker, entrepreneur, multi-award-winning International makeup artist & hairstylist, and author.

She coaches in the areas of; life, business, self-worth, and relationships. Her specialty is empowering new coaches to run their profitable coaching business.

By using her knowledge and personal experiences, she empowers others to improve their life situation to achieve happiness, by unlocking their potential from within.

Opting for different strategies to unlock their fear and barriers, allows them to find the strength to face their challenges.

Her mission is: No women should suffer in silence

Find her here-

https://linktr.ee/SuperConfidenceCoaching

My free book: http://bit.ly/confidencesuccessformula

So what is the Grey Rock Method? It was first mentioned by a blogger named Skylar who wrote an article on 180rule.com. In 2009 after leaving a relationship she poured out her story to a stranger. After she shared he told her that he was a malignant narcissist. He then told her what he did to his girlfriend when he experienced something similar. The idea is that your responses are as exciting as a dull rock. This doesn't attract attention and blends in with your surroundings.

With a toxic person, you are a shiny trinket to them. Like a cat playing with a Christmas, they enjoy batting around those ornaments. With the abuser, you are that ornament! They want what you have. Your tears, your reactions, screams, or when you throw things this gives your abuser fuel. Don't give them what they want that is your energy. They crave your reactions. In a sense, they are addicted to drama and you may notice it seems like an endless cycle of problems or issues with people or make otherwise simple situations escalate into something big.

With the Grey Rock method, you become that rock. You channel boring, non-nonchalant, or canned responses. Now, this may not be a long-term fix for you or your situation.

When possible go “No contact” keep a paper trail, do your correspondence in writing instead of face-to-face. Having a history or documentation of your situation is important.

It may be practical to go no contact. If you have to have contact because children together, or you have a job where there is a toxic person or holiday gatherings with toxic family members try using this method. Let's dive in!

When you do this method you are in going to use responses that are not engaging. You will keep your end of the conversation to being brief and a matter of fact, using a simple- Yes, No, Meh!, Eh?!

Use little to no emotion when responding. Maybe they ask how your weekend went, you can reply, “It was fine”, or if they ask

Don't feed their drama! This can be addictive to them but to you as well!

Don't give out personal details about your life or things going on with you.

Keep it as impersonal as possible.

Keep busy during these interactions. Don't stop what you are doing!

Step back and observe the behavior of your abuser rather than let them push your buttons.

Put emotional distance between you and this person. It can be hard especially if you have deep feelings.

Don't tell the person this is what you are doing.

You may want to pace yourself so they don't catch on Remember this is temporary.

If this is between friends, family, or workplace consider finding an exit strategy that may include physically leaving the situation, holiday gathering, or the relationship.

In a sense, you are manipulating the situation and disconnecting yourself as well as those emotions that you may need to deal with to start healing.

Focusing less on the drama from your relationship and more on yourself so you can learn your triggers and more about your wants and needs.

Avoid bringing up the past! Bringing up past wounds can spark an argument. Don't take the bait!

What is the Yellow Rock Method?

You are using the Grey Rock method but adding; Please, Thank you! Or “Hello!

This person is going to paint you in a bad light. Let it go! Shrug and walk away.

The ultimate answer for this is to leave. This may require lots of thought prayer and planning. If you need help with don't hesitate to message me privately. Know you are not alone on this journey. I'm cheering you on! 

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Allowing the gift of friendship can be a form of self-care. It can be hard to make friends or keep friendships as you grow older. I've heard so many reasons why women lose connection with other women such as; “I don't have time.”, “All my friends are now married”, “All of my friends are single.” Or perhaps you have been burned by a friend in the past and you are hesitant to form new friendships.

I have moments where I miss the company of having a gal pal. Opening up your heart to another offers benefits of just being able to be “you”. To have someone be in your corner when it feels like your world is crashing down. That person can hold space for you, have your back, remind you that your feelings are valid, and it is safe to trust.

With the interweb, we have the opportunity to make virtual pen pals with those around the world. I've intentionally reached out to form new friendships as part of self-care. To feel a part of a community of like-minded spirits where I can let it hang out. To know I'm not alone on my healing journey or allowing my vulnerability to show when I ask for help.

It's okay to check in with yourself to ask if the friendship is positive, do you feel recharged or drained after spending time with a friend, or are you both giving and taking equally.

So whether you have one special friend or create a sisterhood of many know it can be a life-changing experience.

Someone out there needs to know they are not alone and that they can survive. Perhaps you are a parent or friend of someone trapped in an abusive relationship and need to know how to help. My goal is to share awareness, offer empowerment, and educate others about emotional traumas and domestic abuse. Here I will share my story and also stories of courage and healing from Survivors, Coaches, to Therapists/Counselors.

You can find my books and my Journals here- https://www.amazon.com/Melinda-Kunst/e/B0788SWSB1

Find me on Facebook here- www.facebook.com/hopewhentherewasnone

The Survivors Cafe on Facebook is a private community for women- https://www.facebook.com/groups/724081331311924

Find help and info here-

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/

https://internationalwomenshouse.org/get-help

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations

Sexual Assault Hotline- https://www.rainn.org/ 

National Suicide Prevention lifeline-800-273-8255