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How and why to understand a friend’s feelings (Zoya, Age 7)
Hi,
What fuels the development of children’s friendships, from the love-the-one-you’re-with friendships of the toddler years to the more intimate and lasting friendships of the teen years, is an increasing ability to understand someone else’s perspective.
When kids are able to recognize, understand, and respond in caring ways to other people’s feelings, they can build deeper and more intimate friendships. This is hard work! It takes effort and practice to pick up on others’ feelings.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Zoya wants to know how to understand her friends’ feelings. I talk about some possibilities as well as why it’s so important to do this.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s brand new, featured online workshop: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help. Watch it at your convenience!
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 3 - Kid tries to wreck game (Noelle, Age 10)
Ep. 86 - How to know if you can trust a friend (Sally, Age 14)
Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason. Age 13)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Do you think it’s easier to notice when your friends are having positive feelings or negative feelings? Why?
What are some reasons why it’s important to try to understand other people’s feelings?
Why is it sometimes hard to tell how a friend is feeling? What are some clues that could help you figure this out?
Why is the Platinum Rule even kinder than the Golden Rule?
Have you ever wished you could magically read people’s minds and know their secret thoughts? We can’t do that, but we can read their feelings! That’s very interesting and useful!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Zoya. I am 7 years old. My question is, how can you understand your friends feelings?
Hi, Zoya, thanks for sending in this interesting question!
Feelings happen inside of people, so it can be tricky to know how someone else is feeling, but there are often clues!
Sometimes, friends tell us directly with their words how they’re feeling. That’s the easiest! They might say, “I’m frustrated!” or “I’m excited!”
Sometimes we have to notice their facial expression, their tone of voice, or how they’re holding or moving their body to understand how they feel. So, a friend might say, “I’m fine,” but if their face is frowning, their voice sounds forceful and clipped, and their body looks tense… we’d probably guess that they’re actually mad!
And sometimes we can use our knowledge about our friends to guess how they might feel. For instance you might remember that your friend loves spending time with her grandma, so when you find out that her grandma is coming for a visit, you know your friend is excited!
Wow! It can be complicated to understand our friends’ feelings! Why is it important to try to do that?
Understanding how your friends are feeling helps you to be a good friend. It can help you comfort them when you see they’re sad, celebrate with them when they’re happy, or apologize and make things right when you accidentally do something that makes them mad.
Have you ever heard of the Golden Rule? It says to treat others they way you’d like to be treated. That’s a great principle for friendship because it usually leads us to do kind things.
But wait, suppose I really like oatmeal-raisin cookies but my friend hates raisins. What if I gave that friend an oatmeal-raisin cookie every day because I like them so much? That’s how I’d like to be treated, but how do you think my friend would respond? Maybe my friend would say, “Thanks but no thanks!” Or maybe they’d say, “Ewww! Yuck! I hate raisins! Why do you keep giving me cookies with raisins?!”
So, the golden rule of treating others the way we’d like to be treated doesn’t always work.
A communications researcher named Milton Benett came up with something even better thant the golden rule: the platinum rule! The platinum rule says to treat people the way they’d like to be treated. So, with my raisin-hating friend, instead of offering the oatmeal raisin cookies that I like, I’d remember that my friend likes snickerdoodle cookies and offer those!
The platinum rule is a kind and generous way to treat people. But to follow it, we need to notice and understand our friend’s feelings.
And if you’re not sure how your friend is feeling? Go ahead and ask! That shows you care enough to understand.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
Hi,
What fuels the development of children’s friendships, from the love-the-one-you’re-with friendships of the toddler years to the more intimate and lasting friendships of the teen years, is an increasing ability to understand someone else’s perspective.
When kids are able to recognize, understand, and respond in caring ways to other people’s feelings, they can build deeper and more intimate friendships. This is hard work! It takes effort and practice to pick up on others’ feelings.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Zoya wants to know how to understand her friends’ feelings. I talk about some possibilities as well as why it’s so important to do this.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s brand new, featured online workshop: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help. Watch it at your convenience!
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 3 - Kid tries to wreck game (Noelle, Age 10)
Ep. 86 - How to know if you can trust a friend (Sally, Age 14)
Ep. 92 - What to say when a friend is feeling down (Mason. Age 13)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Do you think it’s easier to notice when your friends are having positive feelings or negative feelings? Why?
What are some reasons why it’s important to try to understand other people’s feelings?
Why is it sometimes hard to tell how a friend is feeling? What are some clues that could help you figure this out?
Why is the Platinum Rule even kinder than the Golden Rule?
Have you ever wished you could magically read people’s minds and know their secret thoughts? We can’t do that, but we can read their feelings! That’s very interesting and useful!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Zoya. I am 7 years old. My question is, how can you understand your friends feelings?
Hi, Zoya, thanks for sending in this interesting question!
Feelings happen inside of people, so it can be tricky to know how someone else is feeling, but there are often clues!
Sometimes, friends tell us directly with their words how they’re feeling. That’s the easiest! They might say, “I’m frustrated!” or “I’m excited!”
Sometimes we have to notice their facial expression, their tone of voice, or how they’re holding or moving their body to understand how they feel. So, a friend might say, “I’m fine,” but if their face is frowning, their voice sounds forceful and clipped, and their body looks tense… we’d probably guess that they’re actually mad!
And sometimes we can use our knowledge about our friends to guess how they might feel. For instance you might remember that your friend loves spending time with her grandma, so when you find out that her grandma is coming for a visit, you know your friend is excited!
Wow! It can be complicated to understand our friends’ feelings! Why is it important to try to do that?
Understanding how your friends are feeling helps you to be a good friend. It can help you comfort them when you see they’re sad, celebrate with them when they’re happy, or apologize and make things right when you accidentally do something that makes them mad.
Have you ever heard of the Golden Rule? It says to treat others they way you’d like to be treated. That’s a great principle for friendship because it usually leads us to do kind things.
But wait, suppose I really like oatmeal-raisin cookies but my friend hates raisins. What if I gave that friend an oatmeal-raisin cookie every day because I like them so much? That’s how I’d like to be treated, but how do you think my friend would respond? Maybe my friend would say, “Thanks but no thanks!” Or maybe they’d say, “Ewww! Yuck! I hate raisins! Why do you keep giving me cookies with raisins?!”
So, the golden rule of treating others the way we’d like to be treated doesn’t always work.
A communications researcher named Milton Benett came up with something even better thant the golden rule: the platinum rule! The platinum rule says to treat people the way they’d like to be treated. So, with my raisin-hating friend, instead of offering the oatmeal raisin cookies that I like, I’d remember that my friend likes snickerdoodle cookies and offer those!
The platinum rule is a kind and generous way to treat people. But to follow it, we need to notice and understand our friend’s feelings.
And if you’re not sure how your friend is feeling? Go ahead and ask! That shows you care enough to understand.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.