Hi Friends,

I shared the following essay here a couple years ago and want to share it again, and this time with audio, for those who prefer to listen rather than read. Before we dive in, I’d like to ask for your support with my book Enough as You Are. If you’ve read it, and loved it, please take a minute or two (it’s really that quick) to leave a 5-star review on Amazon. These reviews help so much, and I’ve been completely remiss in asking for them. I’ve shared the U.S. Amazon link, but by all means if you live in another country, head to your Amazon page wherever you are. And if you’re a Goodreads person, please leave your review there too. Thank you so much for your support with this. Now to the essay.

One of the most common questions I get through social media is “How do you learn to love yourself?” I believe I answer this question in much of what I write, from many angles, but thought I’d get down to some of the basics when it comes to loving ourselves. Some clear action steps, if you feel called to take them. These are the tenets upon which I believe my self-love is built.

What I’m about to share is nothing revolutionary. It’s truly 1+1=2 kind of stuff. Living into these ideas, however, can be quite revolutionary, at least in terms of the shifts it can create in our lives. I think sometimes we feel we have to make huge changes in order to create huge changes in our lives, when in fact it can be the smaller yet consistent actions we take that have the most profound impact.

So, here are some of my recommendations on how we learn to love ourselves.

Be willing to love yourself. Really willing. Willingness is the first step to most anything. I know this sounds obvious but it’s not for a lot of us. Write, in bold letters, on one or two or ten sheets of paper, I AM WILLING TO LOVE MYSELF, and tape these proclamations all over your home. If that’s too corny or messy for you, just get in the habit of repeating the statement throughout your day. I am willing to love myself. Shout it, whisper it, sing it. Let it be the first thing you say to yourself when you wake up, and the last thing you say as you’re falling asleep. Add a wholly or wildly or no matter what to the end of the sentence if you’re feeling inspired. You may not be able to say honestly you love yourself, but are you willing to? If not, are you willing to be willing? Repeat the statement that feels most honest to you, and let the energy of your willingness, your intention, guide you into thoughts, words and actions that reflect a real desire to love yourself. It’s all energy, and it all builds on itself.

Become more aware of how you actually are loving yourself. Whenever you are doing something that reflects self-love, like brushing your teeth, communing with nature, cleaning your home, owning your b******t, meditating, turning off the news, or anything that creates a bit more peace, joy, connection or meaning in your life, take a moment to acknowledge and honor it. Hold your hands over your heart, close your eyes if you're feeling it, and say to yourself some version of “This is me, right now, loving myself. I am worthy of this love, and it feels so good to care of myself in this way.” If you don’t connect to those words, no problem. Find statements that feel good and true to you. The point is to stop taking for granted these moments of self-love. When you bear witness to them, you’re likely to find you are actually loving yourself more often than you realized. When your actions continue to reflect self-love in myriad ways, it will be harder for you to believe your mind when it tells you that you don’t know how to love yourself. Also, through this awareness you are likely to see the ways in which you aren’t loving yourself, which gives you an opportunity to shift those habits. Not from a place of judgment or shame, but from that willingness we talked about above.

Be kind to yourself, no matter what. Even when you’re an a*****e? Yes. I mean, apologize to whomever was on the receiving end of your a*****e behavior, but never stop being kind to yourself. Get in the habit of saying to yourself, a thousand times a day if necessary, “It’s okay honey, you’re human.” Again, if those words don’t work for you, find ones that do. Choose a statement that reminds you of your humanity, that you are enough and worthy as you are, even when you don’t show up for yourself or others the way you had hoped. It’s important to understand your mind will effortlessly veer into self-abusive thoughts and behavior, and will fuel you with fears, insecurities and doubts. This is why it’s so helpful to be proactive when it comes to how we treat ourselves. Commit to being kind, and gentle, and compassionate with yourself, and this commitment will create more moments of self-love. And, when you’re not able to be kind to yourself, try to be kind to that part of you who is being unkind. Now that’s some serious love in action.

Be as honest with yourself as you are able. Tell yourself the truth about who you are and how you’re feeling, and no matter what that truth reveals, be compassionate with yourself. Without honesty it’s impossible to create healing in our lives. Without honesty we continue to give our energy over to conditioning and falseness, we create a barrier rather than a bridge to self-love. It’s hard to love yourself when you’re not willing to be yourself in an honest way. Who is it you’re trying to love then?

Consider your needs and control what you can control. And, as much as possible, let go of what you can’t. If these past few years have shown us anything, it’s that life is uncertain. Of course, life has always been uncertain, but this fact seems especially evident these days. It’s easy to feel afraid and unstable in the face of continuous uncertainty, which makes for a great time to focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t. It’s also the perfect time to take a clear look at what you need in your life to feel more peaceful, joyful and connected, rather than getting mired in unfulfilled wants. As an example, some of my needs right now are time in nature, heart-centered connection with others, healthy foods, my gratitude practice, some form of exercise, and quiet. Whenever I’m fulfilling any of these needs, I’m actively loving myself. When I consider what I can control in my life, I think of the following: my meditation and gratitude practice, the foods I eat, the time I spend in nature, how much news I take in, reaching out to others for connection, deep breaths, and my creative expression, among others. All of these things that are within my control happen to be things that serve the fulfillment of my needs. They, too, are all ways to love myself. You have no control over how others show up, but you have great power in how you do. Write down what you need to create more peace and joy in your life (or whatever it is you’re seeking to create). Then write down what is within your control when you consider those needs. You’re likely to find you can begin, right now, loving yourself in a powerful way simply by making one choice at a time that is entirely within your control and serves your needs.

Trust in yourself, and in your life. I know it can be really hard to trust, especially when the reality you’re currently living isn’t aligned with the one you’d like to be. Self-love is the work of a lifetime. I don’t expect to ever stop giving my willingness and intention to loving myself. And here’s the thing: if you’ve spent a good chunk of your life rooted in self-loathing to some or a great degree, you can’t expect it to entirely disappear overnight. Or in a week, or month, or even ten years. I’m not saying there are rules about timing, I’m saying I believe we can trust that the actions we’re taking, when connected to self-love, are always serving us and our lives in necessary and beautiful ways. Every moment spent in self-love is one less moment spent in self-abuse. Do whatever you can do each day to love yourself (including being kind to yourself when the self-love isn’t there) and trust as much as possible in the benefits being created from your actions.

Celebrate joy when it comes. I mean really give yourself over to any joyful moment that presents itself. Most of us have become so consumed with what’s wrong in our world, we forget there’s a lot to celebrate. We don’t give ourselves over to the immense beauty here. We even feel guilty in our happy moments because there’s so much suffering. Joy, like love and everything else, is an energy, and the more we live into it, the more it expands. I’m not suggesting you fake it. There’s no point in announcing how joyful you are when what you really are is miserable. I’m inviting us to dive into any moments of joy that present themselves, and to be intentional about creating these moments, too. What tends to bring you joy? Write down a list of things, and then start integrating those things into your life as much as possible. You’re almost certain to find more joy if you do this, and what could be a more fun way to love yourself? Our world needs more joy. It needs your joy. And my joy. Let’s see what kind of shifts this joyful energy can create.

I think that’s enough for now. I suspect there will be a part two, and three, and nineteen. These are the ideas that come to mind right now. I’d love to hear from you how you keep rooted in self-love. What works for you? Please let us know.

Bottom line: All of these actions I’ve listed are energy, and energy tends to attract like energy. Momentum gets created, and suddenly we find ourselves doing things with more ease than we’d ever experienced. This applies to self-love as clearly as it applies to anything else. The more willing you are to love yourself, the more possibilities you create from this willingness. The same goes for your awareness, honesty, kindness and the rest of it.

None of this means life is going to stop being hard. This is a wildly challenging reality, for all of us. But my God is it helpful to love ourselves through it, as much as we are able. There’s nothing like knowing, no matter what you’re facing, no matter how cruel and afraid the world and your mind can be, that you will be there for yourself throughout and on the other side of everything. That you’ve got your back.

It’s not enough just to think about it though. We’ve got to take action if we want to create change. And why wouldn’t we take action when it comes to building a more loving relationship with ourselves? What could be more important?

I believe in you. I believe in us.

Big and Bigger Love,

Scott

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