Hello and welcome back to our Read Along of the Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma, where I use my expertise as a therapist who specializes in complex and developmental trauma to break down popular self-help books and to create a community where we can explore and ask questions together.

I have had so many new faces joining me on Substack in the last few weeks, but I decided to make this post a free post so that you could get a little feel for what we do over here in our book club read-alongs. You don't need to own the book, or even to be on the same chapter that we are on. If you are reading along, because I'm going to provide a little summary and then share some of my thoughts about it as well.

Listen above or read the transcript below!

This week we'll be exploring chapter five of The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma. This chapter is on reinforcing agency, which is a huge concept in the NARM model.

To understand agency, we need to understand what we're talking about when we talk about our sense of self or our observer, or our curious experiencer, as I call it. And to do that, we need to understand the concept of structuralization. To put it simply, structuralization is a process through our development, starting as children, where we take our life experiences and we internalize them to build maps or models of the world around us, including how we see ourselves.

And this sort of internal map helps shape us: what we think about ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, what we allow ourselves to do. And we're always sort of filing that information away, determining if we can clear through developmental gates. And when I say gates, I kind of imagine it like a hurdle. Can I have my own needs? Can I be my own person? Can I do those things and still be loved? We're exploring each of those things starting from infancy throughout our life, and based on the feedback we get from our early environments, including our caregivers, schoolmates, teachers, anyone who's around us, that's how we build our internal sense of self and our internal map of the world.

You could almost imagine a little kid building something with Legos, and every Lego brick that they pick up represents an experience or an interaction they have with the world around them. Positive experiences where they feel loved, seen, attuned to, or supported help them build a strong, stable structure, a strong, stable foundation. Negative experiences where they might feel unseen, neglected, unsafe, or even mis-attuned to, meaning you're supported and you're loved, but there's a miss.

So maybe you were a highly sensitive child, but you grew up in a family of engineers who weren't extremely connected to their emotions. While they may have loved and supported you and made sure that you had a stable home, you may have felt missed because you felt things strongly and you were always feeling emotions. Being this attuned to in that way leads to a shaky, unstable structure. And so as we grow up into teenagers and adults, that internal structure that we've built influences our entire world- how safe we feel having agency, how safe we feel being ourselves, responding to challenges in our life, connecting with other people, building relationships.

If we have a strong structure, then we likely have a strong sense of us as ourselves, and we can handle stressful things and know that we are still okay. So we're not in survival mode. We don't have those predictive patterns in our brain saying that a tiger is trying to eat us all of the time. But if we had a history of misfortune or a lack of safety or any other sort of environmental ruptures and failures, then we don't have that foundation. And so when things happen, or when we think about the potential for hard things to happen, we might get that feeling that things are unsafe because we don't have that stable structure.

Another way to think about structuralization is through that lens of the different parts. So if you've seen the Inside Out movie, you might be familiar with what I'm talking about, where we might have a very strong sense of self who is able to keep us steady and moving forward even when things are challenging or hard, even if anxiety is trying to take over or anger is rushing up to the board. And if we don't have that experience, then we might have these parts that split off. We might get fragmented internally, where we have to take those parts of us and put them underground, because it doesn't feel safe to have those parts of us out in the world. And when we do that, when we have to take our true self and hide them underground, lock them up in a castle, put on all these suits of armor, then we are disconnected from that curious experience or observer of life. And so what can become impaired is that agency. And that's what this chapter is all about.

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Agency is about that ability to observe and be present to our own experience- how we show up in the world and how we are presenting ourselves to others out in the world. It is such a critical, critical piece of how we move toward what we want for ourselves. It really stood out to me in this chapter, the quotation that they said “I am the one living my life. I am living life versus life happening to me.”

So as you have learned and I read along so far, the NARM model does not focus on reliving all of the trauma that happened to you, but rather being curious about how those survival strategies may have developed for you to adapt to the environment around you based on that early structure, based on that self that you were able to build. So if we lived in an environment where things did not feel safe, we did not have a false sense of safety. It doesn't matter if we actually were safe, if we didn't have a false sense of safety, for example, that misattunement that I used, then we split those parts of us off and we move forward identifying with those survival strategies. What that means is instead of being able to recognize: this is a pattern, I learned to keep myself safe, we feel like it is us.

A great example of that is sometimes people will say, well, I really want to set this boundary, but then I feel so guilty and they'll talk about guilt as it is this external experience that comes out of nowhere and lands onto them. And I know it really feels that way because I have said the very same thing myself. But from an agency perspective, when we can get into that self, that curious experiencer, we can notice- instead of saying, I want to set that boundary, but then I feel guilty. I want to set that boundary. But it's scary. So I guilt and shame myself, and I shut myself down from having the boundary that I want to have because that feels like what I need to do to stay safe and in connection.

So in the NARM model agency is the critical piece that allows us to connect the child consciousness who holds all of those protective survival mechanisms, and the adult consciousness, who is our true self, who knows that no matter what comes, we can handle it- that our life is not at stake in the way it felt like it was as a child. When we are disconnected from our agency because we had to take our true selves underground and offline, we spend so much of our time in shame and shutting ourselves down over and over and over again, often without realizing we're doing it, which can leave us feeling very helpless.

That's also why I'm doing this series right now on Substack about shame, because it is such a big part of so many of our experiences, and so often, if not all the time, is founded in developmental trauma. It's very, very important, as we're taking in this chapter, to take in the idea that recognizing how we might have shut ourselves down or how we might play a role in our current life circumstances, is not the same as blaming ourselves.

It can be very painful to start to become aware of how we have learned to shut ourselves down. So in that boundary example where we couldn't set a boundary because we started shaming ourselves, it might feel incredibly challenging to come to terms with the fact that so many of our relationships feel dissatisfying, not only because of the other people (though the other people may be challenging), but because we shut our needs down over and over again. We don't state our needs. We don't state what we want for ourselves. We don't communicate because we are disconnected from ourselves and we shut those things down.

That is not to say you're a bad problem, and you're the reason why you have no good strong relational connections.

Not at all, but rather to notice: Wow- if I want to have a deeply connected relationship, shutting myself down is actually getting in the way of that, and that's actually something I can explore.

Now, does that mean if I start setting boundaries that every single relationship is suddenly going to be perfect and wonderful and deeply connected and attuning? It doesn't mean that at all, because we don't have any control over how other people respond. But when we're not shutting ourselves down and we can start to feel connection to agency and state our needs or set our boundaries, then we are going to feel entirely different in the world and not reliant on needing other people to read our minds and give us what we want and need. And that is a totally different ballgame.

Please be very gentle with yourself as you're exploring this concept of agency, especially for those of us who have experienced abuse or continue to exist under systemic trauma. And this all can coexist in one universe, so none of this means that what happened to you or what is happening to you isn't deeply wrong or hurtful as they name here. Oftentimes, we are having normal reactions to abnormal and traumatic situations.

In fact, there's often a lot of grieving in this process as we start to connect to our agency because we're grieving for that part of us who was so deeply hurt. And from there, we can start to connect to agency in the present. But remember, when we've had developmental trauma and we've had to live in protective mode and we are split off from our true selves, it is too easy to go into shame and blame and shutdown. So as you're taking this chapter in, as you're hearing what I'm saying, this is a moment to slow down and pause and not use the concept of agency as another opportunity to shut yourself down, but rather as a curiosity to start to connect toward what you want for yourself and how your adaptive protective strategies, which may have served you in the past, may not be serving you anymore.

It's really important to understand that agency isn't always about taking action. It's actually about that internal state of of observing and being curious about our own needs and emotions and experiences. For example, noticing that you want to set the boundary or state a need and that what's happening isn't working for you and that you deserve better or want more, that is agency. And while agency can drive behavior, that's not what this is about. We're not trying to change your behavior or make something happen. We're being curious about what happens when you notice and are aware of what you want for yourself.

Agency is also not the same thing as empowerment, though you may feel empowered as you connect more and more to yourself and to your agency. Empowerment again is about that behavior, about dealing with the external experiences, whereas agency is all about connecting internally to that observer, to that curious experiencer, and noticing the different parts of you that developed to help keep you safe. That is agency. That is your internal relationship to self: building a more secure attachment to yourself, not trying to force it to other people around you.

The NARM model often reflects on a really powerful quotation from Viktor Frankl, that says “Between stimulus and response, there is space. In that space is the power to choose our response. In the response lies growth and our freedom.” And so in the NARM model, the agency is between the stimulus and the response, where we connect to our self and organize our internal experience and be aware of it before we respond. Again, we don't want to ignore the external experiences because none of us exist in a vacuum.

So in my example, let's say that I'm in a relationship and I don't express my needs. I haven't expressed my needs because I haven't felt safe. And so I feel really lonely and unseen my relationship, because I want my partner to show that they care about me, whether it's doing the dishes or stopping and picking up my favorite treat, or just checking in and asking me how I am on a stressful day. And I don't say anything about it and I don't say anything about it. So I remain feeling really dissatisfied in my relationship. Meanwhile, I'm taking care of every single thing my partner could ever want and need. I always make sure I have their favorite treats on hand. I always text them to see how they're doing, especially on stressful days. I cook their favorite meals for them. I go out of my way to buy special gifts for them, and that leads to me feeling more and more frustrated.

Maybe in therapy, I'm sort of venting about, Well, I just don't understand why my partner can't ever meet my needs. And I need to set a boundary here, but I can't because I don't think that he'll know what I'm saying, or he'll think I'm being greedy or it won't feel the same. You know, it won't feel the same. He should think of it on his own. It won't feel the same if I ask for it. So we could focus on your partner. We could also focus on the behavior of stating your needs. Or we could be curious about the internal experience. What happens when you think about having needs? What happens when you think about wanting things from your partner; wanting to be seen and attuned to by your partner; wanting to be able to state your needs and have them responded to in a way that feels good to you.

There might be a lot of fear underneath of there- or anger or deep grief- and that that leads to feeling too much. It sets off your survival system, those old predicted patterns that maybe you learned in childhood, that having needs was too much. Having needs made things in your household really difficult. And so in comes the ever powerful shame lock box to shut you down and make you feel guilty. Or even more powerfully, the the pride piece. The pride piece of when we feel shame and it's too much, we shift into this pride of, well, I don't have any needs or you know, it won't be special if I have to ask for it. That's another way, actually, that we're disconnecting from our agency. And if we realize that; if we realize that these things that we say to ourselves over and over again are actually tools that we're using to disconnect from our agency because it feels like too much, then we can slow things down and say, we don't have to focus on your partner right now.

Instead, we can focus on what's happening in your brain, in your nervous system, in your survival system when you think about having needs. Is this a pattern for you? What's it like to reflect on that? How do you feel toward that part of you that feels so scared about having needs? As you increase that sense of self-awareness and that connection to yourself, the road will open in front of you about whether you want to address it with your partner or not, because you will feel a connection of knowing that no matter what happens, you will be okay. If you address it with your partner and they can't meet your needs, you can handle whatever comes. If you address it with your partner and they can meet your needs (and that's really scary, it feels like a lot), you can handle that if it comes. So the only person we have any say over is ourselves, and that can feel really scary and overwhelming, but also really exciting to see.

We don't have to try to manage people around us anymore or try to manage our relationships sort of subconsciously, right? Like not stating our needs but being really resentful when they aren't met. I know many of us have been there before, and it's not a bad thing or a deficit about you, but rather a way you learn to survive. And now you can be curious about agency or noticing what you're wanting for yourself. The wonderful thing about this is the connection to ourselves becomes so much stronger, and so does the connection to others.

In my example, when I'm not relying on my partner to read my mind to meet my needs, suddenly so much space opened up between us. And even if my partner didn't know that I was feeling resentful, they could probably feel the energy between us versus when I can state my needs. If that's what I'll decide that I want to do, suddenly we can have such a more depthful connection where we can see each other as adults and navigate things together instead of our survival strategy parts kind of duking it out between each other.

Now you know that if you follow me on social media that I'm a huge proponent of talking about and bringing systemic trauma into therapy, because I think it is wrong to try to tell people that they can heal in a vacuum because many, many, many of us exist under systemic trauma- whether it's our identities or just the system we live in that doesn't provide for our needs to be met- that doesn't give us health insurance or enough money to have food or whatever other things we might be experiencing within the systems we live in. Those things are very real, and they do impact our nervous system, and they do impact our survival system, and they do make it more challenging to have a felt sense of safety and to connect to our agency. That is irrefutable.

What is so important to me to say is that I am never trying to support people in thinking that they can agency or regulate their way out of systemic trauma, but whether to be curious about if there are ways they can connect to themselves in little moments within the system that they're in, so that they are more able to feel their vitality and their capacity to connect and build community and find safety within the system and to build new systems. And that doesn't mean you have to take on the broken system. Oftentimes, we feel like we do have to take on the broken system alone. And that might be part of our survival strategies. Instead, connecting to the safety and agency we have, even if it's just in this moment in this room, and the world around us feel so deeply unsafe, allows us to connect to others in new ways, and that is a way forward toward more resilience, more community, more connection.

So as you're curious about some of these reflective exercises, as always, I encourage you to take it easy, to take it slow, to take it gently, and that when you read words like accountability to slow things down before you even do the reflective exercise, maybe you just slow things down and notice what it's like to read the reflective exercise.

This one says “If you're able to take accountability for your part in this relational challenge, we invite you to reflect on what impact your behaviors might have had on the other person.”

Just reading that without thinking about a specific situation in a relationship, just thinking about the word accountability might be enough to bring up a lot of anxiety, stress, and shame for some of us. And it's okay to just start there. Remember, we're always taking things little pieces at a time. We know that we're going up against our brains old predictive pathways, and that we can build new predictive pathways that let us have a felt sense of safety here in the present. But that takes time. And that's why we take things little steps at a time. It's okay if this material feels challenging, and if thinking about or even just listening to me talk about agency feels really scary, or makes you angry or makes you sad, that's the case for many of us who had developmental trauma. And you're not alone in that. And so that's why, again, we're not trying to force an outcome here. We're not saying you need to connect to your agency. We're being curious about what you want for yourself, and how disconnecting from your true self and your agency might be a piece of what's getting in the way for you.

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So, again, little tiny bits at a time. Because we know that these survival strategies push upon our survival system and can make us feel as if it's happening in the present, it is so critically important that we take this sort of like the archaeological dig, where there are really cool things under the dirt and you really want to dig in. You want to bring in a big excavator and dig in and get it out. But, you know, if you do that, you're going to break all those precious little pieces. And so instead, you have to mark off a little four foot by four foot section, and you get your little paintbrush and you just brush away little millimeters of dust at a time. But over time you start to see all this beautiful vase underneath or this amazing plate that's thousands of years old. We're excavating through layers and layers of strata of our life up until now, which for many of us is decades and decades. So it makes sense that it would take time, and it's okay to take it little pieces at a time and just keep coming back to curiosity, a felt sense of safety and observation.

So when we come back together next time, we will finish up the rest of this chapter five and move into chapter six. We're coming toward the end of the book- making our way there little bits at a time, and I'm really enjoying getting to take it at this pace with you: to really do a deep dive into these chapters and to be curious and to take it slowly together so that we can really practice it. We're doing it right now. We're being gentle. We're taking little pieces. We're being slow and curious; neutral. So not to worry if you haven't started reading yet or you don't plan to read it and you just want to listen or you feel like you're behind. You're not behind. You're right on time. These recordings will be there for you if and when you decide you're ready. And I'm so glad you're here.

I will be publishing our live meeting to wrap up the book soon as I get a better idea for when we're going to be closing this out. It’s probably looking like September, I'm guessing. It will give us a few more sessions to just really wrap things up with intentionality, and we will have our live fireside chat, and then we will move into “No Bad Parts” together.

So again, I'm so glad you're here. I welcome any questions, curiosities, things you're learning, and you're welcome to just reply to this email. You don't have to post it here if you don't feel comfortable, but I would love to hear what pieces you're taking away from this.

By the way, I wanted to let you know I am hosting Part Two to my “Let's Talk About Getting Unstuck” on August 30th at 7:00 pm EST. It will be recorded if you can't attend live and I'm so excited about it.

Part One was wonderful and so uplifting to get to do. And that recording is available on my website. You don't need to have been to part one to join us for Part Two, but you might find it interesting in Part One I'm talking a lot about nervous system flexibility, how our nervous system and brain work together. Part Two will be about putting it into practice. So I would love to see you there, and I do have a little coupon code for all my Substack readers. If you'd like to join, you can get 20% off (coupon code is: bookclub). Have a great week and I'll see you back in two weeks!

wishing you moments of curiosity,

trisha

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