Last week I talked about the 4 roles we can play in our family of origins as we grow up, what it looks like in your marriage, and how to manage it. 

This week I'm going to take it a step further. I'll cover how the family of origin stories can cause perpetual problems in the relationship. I'll talk about looking back at your stories,  how you and your husband can share those stories as a way to improve your understanding of each other, and how to find a middle-grown that serves you both.   

Just a recap.  Family of origin stories comes from the family you grew up in. It can determine your thoughts, beliefs, and habits. 

Many of the perpetual problems in our marriages are not because we are incompatible. It is usually because our family of origin stories is different, bringing together different ways of being. Trouble spots can surface in how you and your husband deal with finances, parenting, communicating.  And, You'll see it in the various ways you perceive things, emotionally respond, and handle conflict, just to name a few. 

Look at the past

So, let's start by talking about looking back at your stories to understand why you and your husband believe and think the way you do. Typically in dysfunctional homes, we do one of two things. We perpetuate our parents' beliefs and behaviors, whether positive or negative. If those beliefs and behaviors were negative, you might swing to the opposite end of the pendulum. Neither end of the pendulum is at risk of being extreme.

For instance, if you or your husband grew up in a highly volatile home where conflict resulted in angry, demeaning words, you may avoid conflict altogether, or you may be perpetuating that volatile behavior in the battles you have in your marriage.

Suppose you or your husband's parents were emotionally or physically absent from each other. In that case, you may be overly indulgent with your children and your husband, smothering them. Or you may be just as emotionally or physically distant. 

Maybe you or your husband's parents lived beyond their means and were dealing with consuming debt. You may do the same or fear financial scarcity and hold on to your money like a miser. 

The rub that results in the marriage is when you and your husband believe or behave differently. It causes perpetual problems in the relationship because you are coming at things from your different family of origin stories. 

You can find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/39