How Rude! The Full House Podcast

Well, here it is, gang, the very last episode of How Rude! The Full House Podcast. There really isn't much to say here because we honestly left it all on the field during our recording. A sports metaphor? Here? And now? You know it, baby. Here are the returning voices you'll hear during this big ass finale: Eddie Klinker, Molly Jones, Lindsay Lewin, Johnny Kyle Cook, Brian Holden, Clayton Margeson, James Dugan, Bill Nielsen, Tony Springs, Alyssa Davis, Hope Rehak, Fred Pelzer, Chris Johnson, Matt Kidd, and Alex Marianyi. They're amazing people, as are all 134 honorary Rude Dudes and everyone who has listened to this goofy show. Should we even bother to mention how Steve's girlfriend in Fuller House is named CJ and not JD? Probably not. It's the last episode! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO 

Brandon and Jon are back for one final bonus episode, and for this solemn occasion they're bringing two more torrid tales from the world of FH literature. In "Sugar and Spice Advice", idiot mop Stephanie decides she's old enough to run her own business before proceeding to run said business into the ground. Stephanie, you may be able to cook (under special circumstances), but the world of business? She ain't for you. She's ain't. FOR YOU. I mean for God's sake, she considers naming her business Good Food. What the fuck is wrong with this person? In "Hip, Hip, Parade!" we follow 4th Grade Class President Michelle as she tries to cobble together a school float for the Erotic Fall Festival Parade. Will she succeed, or will she be undermined by novelty fish heads, grumpy ass fuck face 5th grades, and one prig fuck dance instructor? Only time will tell. Full House books, it's been a blast, but we gotta say goodbye once and for all. So goodbye. Once and for all! XOXO

Ethan Link (co-host of the Don't Quote Me podcast) is a yummy little macaroon ally of the LGBT community and our FINAL honorary Rude Dude. But that doesn't mean we treated Ethan any differently, no-no-no, far from it. Ethan, like his 133 predecessors, had to watch a perilously awful bit of television, and that bit of television is known as "All Stood Up". Jesse and Kimmy are at war. DJ and Michelle are at war. Stephanie and her new beau Ryan? Oh, they be at war, especially after Ryan makes the mistake of standing up our poor, sweet, dumb as potted dirt Steph. Who will win? Who will lose? WILL THE WORLD EVER BE THE SAME? Also: We preview some red hot summer bops from the impending How Rude! album, assess the acting skills of the Zwick children (they stink), and play one last round of Catchy Catchy, so don't move those earbuds from your waxy canals. We absolutely forbid it!

COMING UP: One last bonus episode before the big finale! XOXO 

Will Biby (proud cat owner and former resident of Mulkeytown, IL) is our penultimate guest, which means he had to sit down and watch a particularly tiresome retread of an episode known as "Leap of Faith". Remember the what has to be nearly a dozen episodes in which Jesse worries about losing his mojo? Remember how in every single one of them he learns family is more important than risking your life for a cheap thrill? Well, now Becky gets to learn that lesson. Except, no, in this instance she learns that taking a risk can be exhilarating, especially when the person you love is right there beside you. But also ... Jesse is a sexist asshole who shouldn't enforce double standards on his wife. And also ... fuck it, God almighty just fuck it. Michelle is soy excited about seeing the Counting Cows in concert, the twins are flushing anything they can get their salty sodium hands on, and Joey cannot stop eating. Don't worry, we take more than a bit of time up top to discuss the menu and oppressive work culture of El Bloato, rest assured. Want us to read your email during our Saturday, July 1 finale recording? Shoot that lovely message over to [email protected]. We'd love to hear from you one last time! XOXO

Ballroom dancer and Holidazzle alumni Grace Pelzer joined us this week to watch and discuss "Up on the Roof", in which Joey's latest business venture proves to be his stupidest and DJ's attempt at campus levity results in a man's death. Wait, does it? Does this end with a murder? I can't really remember in hindsight. Look, there's a sweaty security guard and a principal who rocks a toupee, that much I do remember. Meanwhile, Brandon is defending the Dust Buster, Jon is leading an improv workshop, and the group is reflecting on senior pranks, skips, and struts. It's classic How Rude! shenanigans, and if you miss out then you lose out, ya hear? XOXO

Bo Durham is a master of confectionary creations and his redneck wedding is going to knock your socks off (because no one wears socks to a redneck wedding). He's an honest to God Wizard of Oz ruby red gem and we're so glad he joined us to discuss "Taking the Plunge". DJ didn't get into Stanford and she's bummed. Kimmy didn't get into a single school she applied to and she's genuinely depressed. Everyone cares about DJ, no one gives a genuine shit about Kimmy (not really). It is in this moment Kimmy finally realizes what she needs to employ, and that's straight up fucking Emotional Blackmail. Disturbing? Yes. Effective? God yes. Meanwhile, Brandon has thoughts on Hotel Transylvania 2, runts, and Frankenstein mice. You know, the usual shit Brandon has rolling around in his Brandon brain. YOU KNOW. XOXO

Bryan Duff doesn't understand why a World Class Stick Man like John Stamos has been relegated to TV while someone like George Clooney is considered an A-lister. What happened? What is George's secret? They were both on ER! We take a hard look at the 3rd Batman's resume while also discussing Don Rickles, lawnmowers, and how Gia is not Hillary Swank, who is herself not Jennifer Garner. Oh, and I suppose we also discuss "We Got the Beat", in which Stephanie humiliates herself by being less prepared for a talent show than small children. One of those small children is Derek, who, I'm sad to say, will never be seen again on 'Full House' after this episode. Goodbye, sweet Derek, we wish you all the luck in the world. Find your community! Follow your dreams! Never back down! XOXO

Bill Nielsen (host of the So Many Bits podcast) may wind up taking home the prize for Best Childhood Catchphrase. It's honest to God adorable and I would never spoil it here, you'll just have to exercise some patience and hear it for yourself! Bill joined us to watch and analyze "Dateless in San Francisco", in which Danny frets over a Valentine's Day date with Claire (who we never actually seen onscreen, in a clear display of cutting production costs); Aunt Becky frets over the dimming ember that is her love life; Stephanie tries to woo a straight up WEIRD looking dude; and Michelle, having seen all of this heteronormative bullshit on clear display, uses it to justify her obsession with Teddy. It's some of the most White People Bullshit we've ever seen from this show, and that's certainly saying something. Also: Could the Fonz win in a thumb war with Uncle J? And why is Joey still allowing himself to be the subject of unwanted sexual advances? Does he like it? Does he need it? Are we blaming the victim here? Who knows! All we know is that this podcast. Is. Fabulous. XOXO

Alyssa Davis was a wave and a hungry American child. Alyssa Davis is a fan of her manatee, Mr. Jelly Bean. Alyssa Davis will always be a member of the How Rude! family. It's all true! This week we're watching / discussing / groaning over "Air Jesse", in which Jesse feels the sting of homophobia (for once) when it's revealed he knows absolutely nothing about basketball. Ha! Imagine! A man not knowing about basketball! To be fair, he didn't give a shit about the Super Bowl, so this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Meanwhile, Stephanie has made Becky a blouse so hideous it's forcing her to lie like a snake. Does she feel bad about the lie? Sure. Does she care enough to do something about it? No, Becky's fine. Becky's just. Trying. To live. Her LIFE. In other news, we discuss the family appeal of Avatar; discover Alyssa and DJ are hair twins; and concoct a new musical for Patti LuPone. P.S. It's not Baba Booey. It's Baba Looey. Our apologies, Baba! XOXO

Thomas Kelly is another proud member of the We Love Aunt Becky Fan Club. Aunt Becky is kind, smart, and a great mother. Aunt Becky is a beautiful, bodacious babe. And she deserves a hell of a lot more than the callous, petty monster that is Uncle Jesse. It's not like we needed more proof of this, per se, but "My Left and Right Foot" is more than willing to serve it up. It also makes more than a bit of time to examine Michelle's fragile psyche, a delicate glass bauble that shatters with the realization that her feet are fucking disgusting. Really, she's just like Kimmy in that way, and I think we all know how the Tanners feel about Kimmy (they hate her they hate her they hate her). We also discuss the comedian's dress code, tackle some world records, and face some personal demons, all while wondering what it would mean to take your Cat Lady to Shoney's. So don't go anywhere, true believers, because you know what they say: Egg Sell Seashore! Right? Stan Lee? We watched Guardians II this weekend. XOXO