I don’t know how many times I’ve heard someone say (usually a parent) something like…”You sure don’t have to teach a kid how to be bad”. Yeah, the do seem to come by it naturally. But I’m not talking about being “bad” today. I’m gonna share with you how to be cruel in 3 easy steps. Ready?

Step 1. OK, get ready for this rude awakening because you’ve already completed step one. You didn’t really have much to do with it…and that’s part of why I say there are three EASY steps. Step 1 is “be born”. You’ve simply got to be born in order to begin your mastery of how to be cruel. Let’s move on to the next step. It’s a bit more difficult but still very easy.

Step 2. Ignore God. The reason I say it’s a bit more difficult is because just about everywhere you go there’s someone spouting off about God. Or else you’ll find countless websites about creationism and Christianity. Or tons of churches in every town across America. Or even those pesky Gideon Bibles in hotel rooms for crying out loud.

But it’s still easy to ignore God if you just arm yourself with the right tools. Good news is…they’re everywhere. And thanks to our trade deficit with China, they’re extremely affordable. Just get yourself a big screen TV (or two or three) and sign up for as many TV, game, and sports channels as possible. Or stock up on booze, bottles, and bongs. Or sign up for as many social media channels as possible and spend all your free time posting.

Now, it’s important you get these tools because they help drown out all those noisy do-gooders who keep trying to tell you you’re going to hell if you don’t repent. How ridiculous. What’s wrong with havin’ a little fun blowing up people and things? So what if someone finds your language offensive. What about free speech, right? What business is it of anybody else if you wanna watch videos, smoke a little skunk, and talk trash?

Look, that whole business with there being some “righteous God” sitting somewhere up in a place called “heaven” judging all of us just for doing what feels right to us…that’s just punk*** puritan control freaks. Right?!

Somebody needs to teach them a lesson. Somebody ought to round ’em all up and just feed ’em to the lions.

Aw, now Tony…you’re getting carried away.

Am I? Would you believe that happens every day somewhere? And would you believe that sort of thing has happened every century since we humans first inhabited this planet? Look it up. History is rife with accounts of man’s cruelty to his fellow man.

So…you’ve completed Step 1. And I don’t know if you’ve spent much time on Step 2. (I hope not) There’s only one more step, and you’ll be an expert on how to be cruel…

Step 3. Keep doing whatever’s right in your own mind.

Don’t listen to anyone who would dare tell you to “love your neighbor as yourself“. Pure silliness. Pay no attention to anyone who would dare say “life is a precious gift from God”. Oh man…how unenlightened. And never, ever fall for that old-fashioned idea of “do unto others as you’d have done to you”. Yeesh. Could it get any more cornball than that?

No, just keep on keepin’ on. Build your muscles and your dark and brooding attitude. You da man. (or woman) Before you know it, you’ll be cruel to others, and it won’t even matter…’cause,