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How To Break Free From Generational Trauma And Reclaim Your Life With Pauline Jones
“On paper, I looked good, but internally I was still all jacked up.”
In this episode, Nick speaks with Pauline Jones (PJ) to explore the profound effects of trauma on personal development and healing. They discuss the importance of self-awareness, the impact of generational trauma, and the necessity of understanding how trauma manifests in the body. PJ shares her journey through therapy and alternative healing modalities, emphasizing that healing is a unique process for everyone. The conversation highlights the significance of mindfulness and mental health strategies in overcoming past traumas and achieving self-mastery.
What to listen for:
“I left the abuse, but I didn’t leave the trauma.”
“I was just here to be abused because my mom taught me that, and society reinforced it.”
“And it was just kind of messed up because we were going to church every day with this man. My mom let us live this life, but he abused you, and you didn’t think he was trying to abuse us?”
About Pauline Jones
Pauline Jones “PJ” is a trauma survivor, coach, and the host of “Insights of a Survivor,” a podcast where she share stories of resilience and growth to inspire others. After overcoming significant challenges in her own life, she now helps individuals heal from trauma and rewrite their personal narratives. Her mission is to empower others to transform their pain into purpose and embrace their inner strength.
Resources:
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Thank you for listening!
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Click To View The Episode Transcript
00:00
Okay, well, this gets kind of juicy now. My grandmother, rest in peace. She was my father’s mistress and it’s kind of a generational thing. So she was kind of fucking with my dad. My dad’s a preacher. My mother, my stepmother, she kind of knew what was going on, but he was really abusive. He knew he could control whatever. she kind of just, my stepmom kind of just kind of stayed in her place and my dad did what he wanted.
00:33
Hello and welcome to the Mindset and Self Mastery Show. I’m your host, Nick McGowan. Today on the show, we have Pauline Jones, who we know as PJ. PJ, how are doing today? I’m fine, how are you? I’m good. I know there was some technical stuff that we were dealing with and just life things that are happening. It is the life of an entrepreneur. There’s always stuff that’s going on and stuff that’s happening. But I’m excited for us to be able to get into everything we’re gonna talk about, because I think even some of that ties into
01:03
trauma, the experiences that we have, how things shape us, how we handle, how we react and respond to things at different times. So why don’t you get us started? Tell us what you do for a living and what’s one thing most people don’t know about you that’s maybe a little odd or bizarre? The oddest thing about me that I tell everyone is that my dad, my birth biological dad is 111 years old if he was still alive. He was born 1913. I am 45. My mom’s 59. So that kind of
01:32
Wow, everyone like, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, you have a dad that is that old. My grandparents were slaves. It was just like my, my oldest sibling is in their nineties and my sister, I have a 70 year old sister. it’s, it’s definitely a conversation topic that we kind of go in. It’s wild when, when certain people will have kids older, like my mom was the youngest of seven. And I think her oldest sister was like,
02:00
a year or two years older than my dad’s parents. And she has nephews and nieces that are actually older than her. So growing up that way, that must have been wild. Did you experience kind of the same thing? Yeah, my nephew, I have a nephew that’s two weeks younger than me. I have, I only have the one nephew I have cousins actually that are my mom’s age. So yeah, it was kind of weird growing up with cousins that were
02:29
I’m babysitting their kids, you know, and we’re kind of just, they’re telling me what to do. And I’m kind of yelling at them or my sister who’s 20 something years older than me. Like, can’t tell me what to do. You’re my elder, but you’re not, you’re my sibling. So shut up, you know, like shut the hell up. can’t tell me shit. Yeah. Wow. What a, what a thing. So did you say that your dad is still alive or he is not? No, no, he passed away when I was 11 years old. It was, um,
02:55
It’s a funny thing to me because I didn’t realize the situation, but he was kind of the source of everything that I went through with the abuse because he was my mom’s abuser. So that’s kind of I know it’s weird. I was raised with him. It’s a it’s a weird story. I mean, I love them. He I was the youngest. He treated me like an angel, but he was not the person I thought he was, you know. So that’s kind of how that happened. Dive into that. Let’s let’s explore that a bit. OK, well, this gets kind of juicy now.
03:24
My grandmother, rest in peace, she was my father’s mistress and it’s kind of a generational thing. So she was kind of like my dad and my dad’s a preacher. My my mother, my stepmother, she kind of knew what was going on, but he was really abusive. He knew he could control whatever. So she kind of just, my stepmom kind of just kind of stayed in her place and my dad did what he wanted. And my grandmother had 10 daughters and three sons. And my dad was like, OK, any, many, many more. I want her, her, her, her. And my grandmother’s like, whatever you want, I’m giving it to you. So he.
03:54
So she started letting him molest my daughter, my mom, and two of my aunts. He kind of took to my mom. So she made my mom move in with him and he molested my mom from like eight until after I was born. And my mom’s like 20 years older than me. It turned into a Stockholm syndrome situation where my mom really felt like she belonged to her abuser. And it was just kind of fucked up because we were going to church every day with this man. My mom let us, let him keep us. It’s like, he abused you. Like he didn’t think that he was fucking trying to abuse us even though he never did.
04:25
So she, she hid that from us, me and my sister. She had two children with my dad, me and my older sister. She’s only two years, a year and a half older than me. And they hid it from us until he was about 70. He was almost, he was about to die. He had kidney failure. And they were like, Hey, you know, this is your dad. What the hell? thought my dad’s name was Johnny, you know, he was. That’s why we had to call him daddy. We didn’t understand because we were kids. Like why this isn’t our father. So she kind of explained her story, told us what happened to her.
04:54
And what he did, so we kind of sitting here confused me and my sister like this man treated us better than you do. But after he died, I guess that was where my protections stopped because my mom decided at that point she’s going to start like just beating the shit out of me on a daily basis. I looked like him. I looked just like him. I looked like my sister that he has with my stepmom. Yeah, my stepmom. So she just like took all that shit that he did to her out on me.
05:21
And it was just like, the hell? know, won’t be waiting. She waited until he passed. I said, I guess he would never let her touch me. And then once that started, I just, kind of said, no, this isn’t right. I started running away from home. I ended up in the streets, back and forth to the streets and in the streets. You know, was like 13, 14 years old. So in the streets, I’m, now here. being raped by guys. I’m being attacked by people being jumped. I had to join a gang because like,
05:47
just to get them some protection from what was happening to me when I was in the streets. And it helped a little bit, but not a lot. So I’m back and forth between being beat by my mom and being beat by the streets. I even went to child protective services and like, hey, I’m being abused, please take me in. And they were like, no, sorry. Yeah, I was fucked up. I was really fucked up. that’s when I, when I was 16, I met my ex-husband, my first marriage. He was seven years old. The reason was like 23 years old.
06:15
And he tried to make me feel safe, you know, got me a hotel room. Of course, I’m going to lie, I was 14 years old. I had to sell drugs to do something. I wasn’t going to sell my body. They were taking it from me a lot of the time. So was like, no. So I started selling drugs just so can get a room to put over my head. know, I he was he was not a good guy. He sold drugs. So he basically got rooms in his name. I sold drugs.
06:41
He beat the hell out of me. He tried to solicit me. When I wouldn’t do it, he would beat the hell out of me. And he got me pregnant. So my family, again, they may have their secrets, but they’re the biggest church folk you’ll ever meet. So you can’t have any bastard kids. You’re pregnant by this man, marry him. So I married him because I still respect my grandmother because even though she did this to my mom, she was a very good grandmother. The people that abused my mom, they treated me and my sisters like royalty. We didn’t understand what my mom went through at all.
07:10
because they didn’t do that to us. So when she said, need to marry this man, I respected my grandmother’s words and I married this man. And it put me in 12 years of him beating me, stotamizing me, torturing me physically, sexually. He did so much to me that I just kind of felt like that’s what my life was. I was just here to be abused because my mom taught me that that’s what was going on. That’s what the society taught me. I called the police. They were like, well, you’re out here in the streets.
07:39
you that this is what you want. like, I mean, back in the day, they didn’t really have a lot of protection laws for kids. That’s kind of new. So we just kind of got less to fend for ourselves. And that’s, I did the best that I could. So when I had my children, I said, okay, no, I’m not going to be in a relationship with a man who’s going to do this. So I’ve tried to get away. I’m a runner. If anything, you know, I’m not going to stay and get my ass. I will leave even as a kid. I don’t care if you’re going to beat my ass and you don’t want me around. I’ll just go. So when he started to do it, I tried to try to get away.
08:09
Of course, abuser, want they want their victims to stay home, right? So he come, he follow me, you know, slit my throat, kidnapped my kids, try to drive me off the road in the car. If I can’t have you, we’re all going to drive off this cliff. Like he was crazy. So I would always go back, you know, like, OK, but then the next time I’m away from you. So I left the state. My mom told him, well, he’s knocking at my door. OK, I let’s move to Vegas. I moved to Alaska. They met. He’s finding me, you know, and I was just I just knew this shit was not cool.
08:39
Why am I being abused? I’m trying to get away. I’m trying to get away. So finally I got away. I got away from him and I was in Alaska. And that’s when I reached the moment of freedom, but I still didn’t get the help. So I was still fucked up mentally, emotionally. I did not go to therapy. I had a friend who I thought was a friend who actually was the one who got my ex-suspect to Alaska. know, I’m like, I’m in California. She flew him to Alaska because she thought she was being a friend to me.
09:09
And when I finally got away from him, she’s like, well, come on, let’s go get drunk. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. So I’m like, OK, I’m going to go party. I’m free now. I don’t have anyone beating my ass and telling me what to do as long as I’m working three jobs and providing for my children and not giving them any kind of trauma. I’m good. I never sought any therapy. And so now I am now causing my own trauma because I’m out here making very toxic decisions. I’m getting drunk on the weekends, but not during the week because, you know, alcohol to drink every day.
09:38
Yeah, no, that’s not true. So, and my kids are not being abused. They’re, you know, I’m spoiling them financially. So I’m a good mom. No, not really, because I should have had them in therapy, but I had no support system to tell me what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? So years go by with me acting this way. I’m still being stalked by guys and women, know, so they’re, because I’m not understanding that I’m making the wrong decisions.
10:04
because I have no support system. My sister, of course, she grew up in the same household as me. What is she going to help me with? You know, the elders in my family, they all knew what was happening. They knew what happened to my mom. They knew what was happening to me. So they just kind of shunned me off. You’re the bad one. You’re the black sheep. So I had no help with them. My dad’s side of the family, the cousins that I did know, you know, at a certain age, once they realized I found out who I was, they kind of shied away from me. They were around me when I didn’t realize they were my family.
10:32
when I realized they were my family and then they just kind of walked away and left me and my sister in this big mess that we didn’t cause. So I didn’t have anybody. And I should have gotten therapy for myself and my children because it ended up with my son, son, started fighting a lot. The reason why I left, I’m going too fast. The reason why I finally left my ex-husband is because he started to beat my oldest son. If you’re going to beat me, I choose to stay in this. I’m a grown ass woman, but these are children.
10:59
And my mom didn’t protect me. I’m going to protect my kids. So I left, got a divorce. He didn’t care. He tried to burn my house down with me and my kids. then like, it was a lot of shit. so fast forward, my son has a lot of anger in him, but he has anger towards bullies. He doesn’t like anyone trying to pick on people he loves that he values and he calls a friend. So in 2017, he was defending a friend and he got shot and killed.
11:28
That was when I realized like, what the fuck, why am I still going through this? Like I left the abuse, but I didn’t leave the trauma. That’s what it was. I never left the trauma. The trauma still festered inside of me. It was still very much a part of who I was. And I had to stop and it wasn’t even when he died. It was when I got his death certificate and I’m sitting in my car and I’m crying. Like who the fuck can I call? I can’t call anybody. I have not one person that I can call. Cause I’m in the city where I don’t know anyone. I was.
11:56
dating my now husband and like his family did not like me at all. They were like, they, and they knew my son died, but they were like, we don’t give a fuck. We don’t like you, her, whatever. So he was really the only person I had him in my two children who just lost their oldest sibling, who for a long time was their father. Because when I left their dad, he took over as the male adult role in their life while I worked three jobs, you know? So their life was shot. had nobody. So I had to stop to say, the fuck? I’m going to.
12:25
I’m going to find somebody else to talk to. So I had to cut off everybody I knew, except for like maybe two or three people. I cut off every single person, including a friend of mine who I actually moved to that city before because she was dating my husband’s brother. And she kicked me out three days after my son was born. I mean, was killed. And so I didn’t even have her. So I did. I’m like, you know, I think I’m not even a therapist. So it took me about a year after my son’s death. I dropped out of college. At this point, I’m trying to pick my life up. I’m going back to college.
12:55
I’m trying to do better with my life and getting the certifications that I need. I’m getting the jobs that I need. On paper, I look, but internally I was still all jacked up. So I went and got therapy and I realized that I had a lot of untreated trauma that I had to address. So the traditional therapy did not work completely. It was kind of the opening door to my healing journey. So I started therapy and
13:25
I thought that I was doing well, know, we through the treatments, went through the treatments, but they didn’t address the actual trauma. They just gave me a bunch of coping skills and said, here, this is what you need to do. It helped. It did. And you take this anti-anxiety medication, take this depression medication, you’ll be just fine. And it was okay. It did somewhat of what it needed to do. I was able to manage until I wasn’t. And then one day, about two years ago, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in jobs that I hated.
13:54
I worked for, you know, I guess on paper, good government jobs, working for the state. I worked for CPS because I felt like they were full of shit with how they did. It means that I never wanted to do a child like that. So I got a job for CPS, but I understand they have so many rules that confine you from being able to help. So I was miserable. I had a gun and I was going to shoot myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was right before the anniversary of my son’s fifth year of him being gone. And I was just.
14:23
severely, severely depressed. My husband, he got the gun for me. He had everything, made sure that I didn’t do anything. And I started to see, she was more of, she was a therapist, but not in a traditional form. She’s not more spiritual, but she’s just kind of, she kind of does her own thing. Her name was Dr. Robin, Paula, Dr. Robin. And she kind of talked to me, like, your trauma hasn’t been addressed. And she made me, she made me face my trauma. She made me write letters to myself, letters to my mom, not to go send to her, but to my…
14:53
and made me look at what happened to me. And she said, now tell me what you see. And I said, I see that I got myself in all these situations. She’s like, no, you’re blaming yourself for shit that didn’t happen, that happened to you. So the first thing I had to do was understand that the things that happened to me was not my fault. And the actions that I took after I left trauma was because of how I was learning behaviors. I didn’t know any type of healthy skills. I didn’t understand.
15:18
that my mom was an alcoholic as well. Our house was the party house. She got drunk, partied. That’s the only time I ever actually seen her happy. So that to me, partying makes you happy, but it didn’t really make me happy. It just kind of put a bandaid on it. It made me think that I was doing adult things when what I should have been doing the adult thing would have been seeking help for myself and my children. Would that have helped my son? I don’t know, but it couldn’t have hurt. So that’s kind of.
15:46
what started me on the path to trying to heal myself. And then I started to do more alternative medicine. I thought of meditation. I started breathing, deep breathing treatments. I neuro linguists. I cannot say that word. Neuro linguistics programming. And that kind of got me into coaching. I’m like, I can do this because I can build my own platform and help people who in the way that they need to focus on the actual problem.
16:13
not telling the count to take these purpose, not purpose, this, uh, Sarah quill and go to sleep, face your problems and hold yourself accountable for the things that you could have changed. Now we do the best we can, but some things I knew was flat out wrong. And I try to blame my trauma, but it wasn’t, it was because of the actions I chose to take. So that’s kind of where I am today. I’m just trying to continue my healing journey and use my story to possibly help anybody who might feel like they are.
16:43
new to trauma and don’t know where to go, you know, because it doesn’t stop when you leave. It stops when you start to heal and healing isn’t just, it’s not, it’s not easy. like you have to go through a lot of stuff. I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff. I still deal with a lot of hurt, but I’m willing, like even with the platform that I’ve built, I’m using that as another method to heal because it helps me to help other people know that the things that they’re going through can be resolved if they take the steps to
17:13
choose to be healthy and choose to heal. So that’s kind of my little story. That’s definitely not a little story at all. And I really appreciate the honesty with all of it, the directness with all of it and the willingness to not only look at this shit, but fucking do the work. It’s so fucked when we think about the systems at play, the generational trauma, the things that have just become norm. I can’t help.
17:42
but think about the bullshit of the religious system that allows somebody to do what they did while still going to what is considered a holy place to be able to speak on divine topics. It just screams hypocrisy, but it also screams much deeper than that, that there’s trauma. There are things that are just not taken care of, they’re not addressed. Some of that’s generational, some of that is that person where it’s like,
18:12
We can’t say it’s okay that any of that happened, but we can say it happened and this is what can be done from here, like what you’re doing, the work that you’re doing, the things that you’ve gone through. Because think about, even in what you had just said, you rattled off kind of a quicker version, obviously, than what really happened. But there were so many little points on that, even the journey that you just took us through, that you could have gone left instead of going right.
18:41
or you could have gone a different direction instead of going the direction that you did. And even when you think like you’d mentioned at one point about, and then a year later I did this, it’s so easy to just say that sort of thing now. Like if we look back at history and we go on this 15 year span, this thing happened. But so much shit happens within that amount of time that it can be really easy to almost just downplay it. Like, well then that year happened and then after that I did this thing, which is a big part of why.
19:09
why we have this platform for this show to be able to talk about the macro pieces of it of like, you go through this stuff as a person. And I say you as in like the general you who goes through let’s say similar things. And you have choices to make that can either take you further down that path or away from healing, or you can take steps toward healing that just feel fucking weird and awkward and so contradictory to where you’re at because you’re so used to this thing.
19:39
and trying to break away from what you have been taught. This is how this is. This is how this works. This is what this looks like. This is what you’re meant to be. You’re supposed to be abused and you’re supposed to be used up and you’re supposed to be all these things because generational trauma and because of the bullshit that they haven’t actually worked through. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. That in and of itself is just an awful thing. Thank you. That could have fucking crumbled you.
20:08
it. Yeah, I’m sure. I feel like in certain ways, like, if you hadn’t done the stuff that you had done to that point, it probably would have. Like if it happened sooner at a different time, if he wasn’t that age, and it was a few years younger or whatever. And, and I also appreciate that you’re like, maybe it could have helped maybe it could have like, because we don’t know.
20:34
And we don’t live in an alternate universe. Even if they are out there, we don’t live in those. And you can’t really do anything specifically with that, except for what you’re doing now and being able to actually heal yourself and help other people. The reason why I pause with that is I think there’s so much when we look at trauma, that I think a lot of people are unaware of. And I was in the same same boat where
21:01
I didn’t know that it was a thing until it became a thing, which is why self-awareness is such an important piece to it. gives, if you’re not aware of a thing, how the fuck can you be aware of it? And people listen to podcast probably are just close to nauseam with that because that happens almost every podcast episode where it’s like awareness, awareness, awareness. And I think we can actually build that. It’s like a muscle. The more you do, the more you understand there’s more to do, but the more you also understand you get to have grace with yourself and life.
21:31
doesn’t have a should to it. It’s not like life should look any sort of way. I would hope that we’re able to make these changes because even at one point you said back in the day, you’re only a handful years older than I am. So back in the day was really like the 90s. Right. Early 2000s, which is crazy to think that there was shit going on like that. But then again, they’re going to be kids that are like Generation Alpha and Generation Beta that are
21:59
30 years down the road, like, you know, back in the day in 2023, or whatever, you know what I mean? Be like, what? But how wild it is to actually understand that the trauma is not just, it’s not just the thing like, oh, well, this traumatic experience happened and okay, now we can move along from it. That shit is in our cells like white and red blood cells. So talk to us about
22:25
understanding the concept of the trauma lives in yourselves and then the work you went from the therapy into the deeper modalities because therapy is a thing and it’s great. I have a coach that I work with and I have therapy and I suggest, yeah, exactly. Everybody does the thing that works for them. Some people talk therapy is the big thing that helps. Some people it’s literally just a step. Some people it’s a thing that you do along with other things.
22:54
but for you to understand that there was more that you needed to go through, what did that look like from the perspective of somebody who else is going through those things or is far past that? Like, look, I’m in a better career, better life, I have family, I have this, I have that, but that shit still fucking happened. How do they understand about the trauma that lives in their cells and to be able to work that out of their cells?
23:18
I mean, it’s kind of hard to understand if you don’t have the right teaching. When I went to therapy, they didn’t help me understand. I had to actually face like right now on I’m doing what I call 100 day transformation challenge where I have to go back. I had to go back and relive every single like you say, I went through the cliff note version, but I had to deal with everything that was in me. I had to look at it. It means to look at every single thing that you have gone through and it means to
23:47
kind of acknowledge and feel it. You have to feel it because we have a way of blocking what is inside of us, excuse me, blocking the trauma that has happened to us, the things that we have gone through and we don’t allow it to be a part of us. It is who we are. Like you said, it’s like red and white cells in your body. It’s about acceptance. And once I was able to accept that that was a part of me, I was able to kind of release.
24:17
the things that it had, what it made me to be. That’s the only way I can put it. What I allowed it to make me to be after, but what it made me to be when I was growing, like you’re beat, you’re beat, you’re told you are nothing, you are not shit. You’re gonna be a whore, you’re gonna be a bitch. That’s embedded in your whole psyche, your whole who you are. You have to understand that that is not who you are. What happened to you was who you are, but not what was told to you. And…
24:47
I kind of know I’m answering exactly the way you asked me is just kind of.
24:53
It’s, I’m trying to find the words to put it in. Cause it’s not, there’s no one answer. It’s kind of based on your journey. Like you said, some people therapy is, that’s the business. You can go and you can talk to someone about everything that you go through. And that’s just the end of your journey. But for me, that wasn’t, that was not, I did have the good job and I did everything right. I was a good mom. I,
25:19
I was a good wife. I was a good girlfriend. I was a good everything. But the things that were deep inside of me, called that my, well, the inner child. The inner child, it wasn’t nurtured. It wasn’t taken care of. the part of me that was neglected was the part that kept coming out. It’s gonna come out. It’s gonna come out. And when I learned with Dr. how mine is journaling, I had to write. I have to write. When I was younger,
25:48
I used to write a lot and I wrote a book about my life. It’s not necessarily my name. I had to change a lot of things to protect my family, but when I wrote it, I wrote it down and it made it real. It made what happened to me, but I didn’t look at it and I had to look at what was done to me and I had to feel the anger because first I got mad. Then I became really sad about everything I went through.
26:12
Then I became determined to never ever, ever allow that to happen to anybody again. So I had to find my purpose in this mission. Why? Why did I go through this? I didn’t go through this just to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t go through this just to live with all of this anger and hurt inside of me. I went through this for a reason. And in the journey, I had to find my purpose. And that’s kind of what is my healing. My healing is the purpose that I found. I still have people that I talk to. still, like I say, you have your coach. I don’t.
26:38
Since I moved to Costa Rica, I don’t have my coach anymore, but I talk to her every once in a while and I get advice. But I have a community of people that I can go to who can help me on the bad days. And it’s knowing that you’re going to always have the bad days because again, it’s etched inside of who you are. It is never going to go away. And you just, like I said, I have to get to a point where I’m accepting it. My husband says sometimes I’ll sit up and talk about things that’s happened to me and I’ll laugh. And he tells me like some of the stuff you went through, it was like,
27:08
on a movie like I’ve seen people get shot in my face. I’ve had to take off my shirt and wrap it around someone’s leg because again, I was in a gang. So he’s like, you go through this stuff like it’s nothing. You wear it like it’s armor around you, but it kind of is. It protected me for years. And I had to release that armor and I had to break those barriers to get to the source of who I am. And that’s what I’m doing right now. It could be interesting when you take it as like a badge of honor or armor. And we can break that down.
27:37
bit by bit, you know, where certain times you could be like, well, I did this, so it’s made me stronger. But you also then use that as a shield, instead of using it as something that can help you continue to grow. And, and it’s really interesting to be able to actually expand upon those ideas. But it’s really difficult when you’re in those spots to be able to see that and feel that it’s, it’s life, though, it’s our lives, our lives are going to be how they are.
28:05
Like if we if you and I were able to go back to being kids, like little little kids, because again, we’re only a few years difference here. And and people were like, Alright, so here’s what life is going to look like up to 45 and 40. Do you want to go that route? I’m sure both of us be like, Get the fuck out of here. Like, No, no, I don’t want any fucking parts of that. Like, I can I check out now? You know, and but this all shapes the way that we are. And it’s wild how certain people
28:35
will attach to something and they’ll detach from other things and use something to be able to help them grow where they won’t. And everybody’s life is just how it is. There’s no shoulds, it’s no like you can have a five, 10 year plan, everything’s gonna work out how it’s supposed to because it’s just going to be what it’s going to be. But the fact that you’ve taken the work and taken the time to be able to do that work, I’m glad that you brought up that everybody’s path is different, everybody’s healing is different, modalities are different.
29:05
there are multiple pieces to it. As you kind of work through stuff though, what are the things that you’re learning? Because you’ve learned that therapy was a thing that helped you in a certain spot. There are different modalities that helped you in certain areas. But what are the things for your energetics right now that you’ve found that really help you to not only be able to solidify those things, but heal through them and feel them differently when stuff comes up where you’re not as charged as you were before? I’m going to say with the neural
29:33
Linguistics Program, NLP, I’m just gonna call it what it is. You nailed it, that’s right. Right. Changing the way I think about things that has happened to me, because I allow the thoughts of those things to control my emotions, instead of allowing it to teach me the lesson behind it. So I had to basically change my whole thought process. I had to take myself out of the victim mentality and put myself into the survivor. And even calling yourself a survivor can put yourself into a certain
30:02
classification, I’m trying to break chains of being classified as something and kind of broaden my horizons and look at myself as just PJ. I’m just me. So I’m learning how to reprogram the way I think, to reprogram the way I allow things to make me feel and because I am in control of my emotions, I can choose, like if you say, I could have went left instead of going right. And that’s what taught me I could have gone left, but I didn’t.
30:28
So I can continue to choose to not allow it to change or not allow it to break me. I can continue to choose to not allow it to make me into something that I don’t want to be, but I can also stop allowing it to cause me the trauma. Now that’s easier said than done. And I’m still working on that. are definitely processes, again, like journaling and facing your trauma and kind of breaking down each little thing that’s happened to you and express how that makes you feel.
30:58
how that makes you look at yourself. Why do you look at yourself in this way? Giving yourself affirmations to say, okay, this is how I felt, but this is what I’ve overcome. And this is how I’m gonna look at it now. Yes, mama, like my mom. My mom did do those things to me, but I have to look at it as my mom was a victim herself at one point. And in a sense, she allowed the abuse to make her go less because she allowed her to turn into an alcoholic. So now that’s not her. So am I angry with her for who she is today?
31:27
because of what happened to her. No, I’m not angry with her. forgive her. I love her. Do I speak to her? No, because she is still the alcoholic and I still don’t want to allow certain things into my life. But the anger that I had for her, I allowed myself to release it. I love there was a phrase my daughter sent me and me and I talk about it all the time. It’s like I release you with love and I have to learn how to release all of that bad with love and look at it in a different way. So that’s kind of how I choose to help me in my healing and change my mind frame and kind of get me to where I need to be in life.
31:57
There’s such power when it comes to just the overall mindfulness and how we mentally handle things. I think there are some basic components to this. There’s a subconscious that is there just to fucking keep us alive. Its only job is to make sure that we’re alive. Our mental capacity allows us to put thought together to then say, well, I’m going to do something or for us to then take action. And then semantically, we start to move upon those things.
32:25
But those three things have to happen. There are obviously more pieces to it than that. But I think from a very black and white aspect, but people will get to the point where they think about the things and I’ve heard this from different people like, hey, man, you can’t just mindset your way through life. It’s like, I fucking get that. That’s not the point of this show. Mental health and wellness is a major component to it. Because if we look at those three aspects, truly, the subconscious is what needs to be reshaped or
32:54
spoken to in a way to be able to understand that the story changed, how that affected me no longer needs to affect me. But then we get to actually put the mental work in to then semantically be able to do something and move about this life in a different way. So there are those layers and those pieces to all of that and all that has to work how you have it working for you. I love that you’ve went through and journaled, you’ve looked at those things.
33:20
You’ve talked about those things, you’ve worked through those things, and you’re working through processing those things. What’s that piece of advice you give to somebody that’s on their path towards self-mastery that you think could help them along a similar path that you’ve been on? Just keep going, you know? Even if you’re gonna go less sometimes, don’t allow whatever you’re dealing with to stop you from trying to strive for better in your life because it is a possibility, it is out there. You can…
33:49
be a better person than yourself. Do not allow what has happened to you to define who you are. Because what happened to you is not you. That’s not you. That’s someone else. That’s their healing process. You need to find who you are and don’t let the trauma be who you are because you’re not the trauma. The trauma is what was done to you. Great way to put that. Hey, I appreciate you being on today. I appreciate you going through all that you’ve gone through and the work that you continue to do.
34:16
And before I let you go, where can people find you and where can they connect with you? They can find me at Soulful Resilience on IG. It’s just Soulful Resilience Journey. That’s my coaching company. on Facebook, you can find me at PJ Jones. I don’t really go on LinkedIn, but it is also Pauline Jones, Soulful Resilience Journey. But that’s the best, the best, best way to get a hold of me is through Facebook at PJ Jones on Facebook. Perfect.
34:44
And we’ll have that stuff in the show notes. Again, PJ, it was awesome having you on. Thank you so much for being with me today. Thank you so much. Thank you.
https://youtu.be/fLpCOTNWE9g
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By Nick McGowan“On paper, I looked good, but internally I was still all jacked up.”
In this episode, Nick speaks with Pauline Jones (PJ) to explore the profound effects of trauma on personal development and healing. They discuss the importance of self-awareness, the impact of generational trauma, and the necessity of understanding how trauma manifests in the body. PJ shares her journey through therapy and alternative healing modalities, emphasizing that healing is a unique process for everyone. The conversation highlights the significance of mindfulness and mental health strategies in overcoming past traumas and achieving self-mastery.
What to listen for:
“I left the abuse, but I didn’t leave the trauma.”
“I was just here to be abused because my mom taught me that, and society reinforced it.”
“And it was just kind of messed up because we were going to church every day with this man. My mom let us live this life, but he abused you, and you didn’t think he was trying to abuse us?”
About Pauline Jones
Pauline Jones “PJ” is a trauma survivor, coach, and the host of “Insights of a Survivor,” a podcast where she share stories of resilience and growth to inspire others. After overcoming significant challenges in her own life, she now helps individuals heal from trauma and rewrite their personal narratives. Her mission is to empower others to transform their pain into purpose and embrace their inner strength.
Resources:
Interested in starting your own podcast or need help with one you already have? Send Nick an email or schedule a time to discuss your podcast today!
Thank you for listening!
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Click To View The Episode Transcript
00:00
Okay, well, this gets kind of juicy now. My grandmother, rest in peace. She was my father’s mistress and it’s kind of a generational thing. So she was kind of fucking with my dad. My dad’s a preacher. My mother, my stepmother, she kind of knew what was going on, but he was really abusive. He knew he could control whatever. she kind of just, my stepmom kind of just kind of stayed in her place and my dad did what he wanted.
00:33
Hello and welcome to the Mindset and Self Mastery Show. I’m your host, Nick McGowan. Today on the show, we have Pauline Jones, who we know as PJ. PJ, how are doing today? I’m fine, how are you? I’m good. I know there was some technical stuff that we were dealing with and just life things that are happening. It is the life of an entrepreneur. There’s always stuff that’s going on and stuff that’s happening. But I’m excited for us to be able to get into everything we’re gonna talk about, because I think even some of that ties into
01:03
trauma, the experiences that we have, how things shape us, how we handle, how we react and respond to things at different times. So why don’t you get us started? Tell us what you do for a living and what’s one thing most people don’t know about you that’s maybe a little odd or bizarre? The oddest thing about me that I tell everyone is that my dad, my birth biological dad is 111 years old if he was still alive. He was born 1913. I am 45. My mom’s 59. So that kind of
01:32
Wow, everyone like, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, you have a dad that is that old. My grandparents were slaves. It was just like my, my oldest sibling is in their nineties and my sister, I have a 70 year old sister. it’s, it’s definitely a conversation topic that we kind of go in. It’s wild when, when certain people will have kids older, like my mom was the youngest of seven. And I think her oldest sister was like,
02:00
a year or two years older than my dad’s parents. And she has nephews and nieces that are actually older than her. So growing up that way, that must have been wild. Did you experience kind of the same thing? Yeah, my nephew, I have a nephew that’s two weeks younger than me. I have, I only have the one nephew I have cousins actually that are my mom’s age. So yeah, it was kind of weird growing up with cousins that were
02:29
I’m babysitting their kids, you know, and we’re kind of just, they’re telling me what to do. And I’m kind of yelling at them or my sister who’s 20 something years older than me. Like, can’t tell me what to do. You’re my elder, but you’re not, you’re my sibling. So shut up, you know, like shut the hell up. can’t tell me shit. Yeah. Wow. What a, what a thing. So did you say that your dad is still alive or he is not? No, no, he passed away when I was 11 years old. It was, um,
02:55
It’s a funny thing to me because I didn’t realize the situation, but he was kind of the source of everything that I went through with the abuse because he was my mom’s abuser. So that’s kind of I know it’s weird. I was raised with him. It’s a it’s a weird story. I mean, I love them. He I was the youngest. He treated me like an angel, but he was not the person I thought he was, you know. So that’s kind of how that happened. Dive into that. Let’s let’s explore that a bit. OK, well, this gets kind of juicy now.
03:24
My grandmother, rest in peace, she was my father’s mistress and it’s kind of a generational thing. So she was kind of like my dad and my dad’s a preacher. My my mother, my stepmother, she kind of knew what was going on, but he was really abusive. He knew he could control whatever. So she kind of just, my stepmom kind of just kind of stayed in her place and my dad did what he wanted. And my grandmother had 10 daughters and three sons. And my dad was like, OK, any, many, many more. I want her, her, her, her. And my grandmother’s like, whatever you want, I’m giving it to you. So he.
03:54
So she started letting him molest my daughter, my mom, and two of my aunts. He kind of took to my mom. So she made my mom move in with him and he molested my mom from like eight until after I was born. And my mom’s like 20 years older than me. It turned into a Stockholm syndrome situation where my mom really felt like she belonged to her abuser. And it was just kind of fucked up because we were going to church every day with this man. My mom let us, let him keep us. It’s like, he abused you. Like he didn’t think that he was fucking trying to abuse us even though he never did.
04:25
So she, she hid that from us, me and my sister. She had two children with my dad, me and my older sister. She’s only two years, a year and a half older than me. And they hid it from us until he was about 70. He was almost, he was about to die. He had kidney failure. And they were like, Hey, you know, this is your dad. What the hell? thought my dad’s name was Johnny, you know, he was. That’s why we had to call him daddy. We didn’t understand because we were kids. Like why this isn’t our father. So she kind of explained her story, told us what happened to her.
04:54
And what he did, so we kind of sitting here confused me and my sister like this man treated us better than you do. But after he died, I guess that was where my protections stopped because my mom decided at that point she’s going to start like just beating the shit out of me on a daily basis. I looked like him. I looked just like him. I looked like my sister that he has with my stepmom. Yeah, my stepmom. So she just like took all that shit that he did to her out on me.
05:21
And it was just like, the hell? know, won’t be waiting. She waited until he passed. I said, I guess he would never let her touch me. And then once that started, I just, kind of said, no, this isn’t right. I started running away from home. I ended up in the streets, back and forth to the streets and in the streets. You know, was like 13, 14 years old. So in the streets, I’m, now here. being raped by guys. I’m being attacked by people being jumped. I had to join a gang because like,
05:47
just to get them some protection from what was happening to me when I was in the streets. And it helped a little bit, but not a lot. So I’m back and forth between being beat by my mom and being beat by the streets. I even went to child protective services and like, hey, I’m being abused, please take me in. And they were like, no, sorry. Yeah, I was fucked up. I was really fucked up. that’s when I, when I was 16, I met my ex-husband, my first marriage. He was seven years old. The reason was like 23 years old.
06:15
And he tried to make me feel safe, you know, got me a hotel room. Of course, I’m going to lie, I was 14 years old. I had to sell drugs to do something. I wasn’t going to sell my body. They were taking it from me a lot of the time. So was like, no. So I started selling drugs just so can get a room to put over my head. know, I he was he was not a good guy. He sold drugs. So he basically got rooms in his name. I sold drugs.
06:41
He beat the hell out of me. He tried to solicit me. When I wouldn’t do it, he would beat the hell out of me. And he got me pregnant. So my family, again, they may have their secrets, but they’re the biggest church folk you’ll ever meet. So you can’t have any bastard kids. You’re pregnant by this man, marry him. So I married him because I still respect my grandmother because even though she did this to my mom, she was a very good grandmother. The people that abused my mom, they treated me and my sisters like royalty. We didn’t understand what my mom went through at all.
07:10
because they didn’t do that to us. So when she said, need to marry this man, I respected my grandmother’s words and I married this man. And it put me in 12 years of him beating me, stotamizing me, torturing me physically, sexually. He did so much to me that I just kind of felt like that’s what my life was. I was just here to be abused because my mom taught me that that’s what was going on. That’s what the society taught me. I called the police. They were like, well, you’re out here in the streets.
07:39
you that this is what you want. like, I mean, back in the day, they didn’t really have a lot of protection laws for kids. That’s kind of new. So we just kind of got less to fend for ourselves. And that’s, I did the best that I could. So when I had my children, I said, okay, no, I’m not going to be in a relationship with a man who’s going to do this. So I’ve tried to get away. I’m a runner. If anything, you know, I’m not going to stay and get my ass. I will leave even as a kid. I don’t care if you’re going to beat my ass and you don’t want me around. I’ll just go. So when he started to do it, I tried to try to get away.
08:09
Of course, abuser, want they want their victims to stay home, right? So he come, he follow me, you know, slit my throat, kidnapped my kids, try to drive me off the road in the car. If I can’t have you, we’re all going to drive off this cliff. Like he was crazy. So I would always go back, you know, like, OK, but then the next time I’m away from you. So I left the state. My mom told him, well, he’s knocking at my door. OK, I let’s move to Vegas. I moved to Alaska. They met. He’s finding me, you know, and I was just I just knew this shit was not cool.
08:39
Why am I being abused? I’m trying to get away. I’m trying to get away. So finally I got away. I got away from him and I was in Alaska. And that’s when I reached the moment of freedom, but I still didn’t get the help. So I was still fucked up mentally, emotionally. I did not go to therapy. I had a friend who I thought was a friend who actually was the one who got my ex-suspect to Alaska. know, I’m like, I’m in California. She flew him to Alaska because she thought she was being a friend to me.
09:09
And when I finally got away from him, she’s like, well, come on, let’s go get drunk. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. So I’m like, OK, I’m going to go party. I’m free now. I don’t have anyone beating my ass and telling me what to do as long as I’m working three jobs and providing for my children and not giving them any kind of trauma. I’m good. I never sought any therapy. And so now I am now causing my own trauma because I’m out here making very toxic decisions. I’m getting drunk on the weekends, but not during the week because, you know, alcohol to drink every day.
09:38
Yeah, no, that’s not true. So, and my kids are not being abused. They’re, you know, I’m spoiling them financially. So I’m a good mom. No, not really, because I should have had them in therapy, but I had no support system to tell me what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? So years go by with me acting this way. I’m still being stalked by guys and women, know, so they’re, because I’m not understanding that I’m making the wrong decisions.
10:04
because I have no support system. My sister, of course, she grew up in the same household as me. What is she going to help me with? You know, the elders in my family, they all knew what was happening. They knew what happened to my mom. They knew what was happening to me. So they just kind of shunned me off. You’re the bad one. You’re the black sheep. So I had no help with them. My dad’s side of the family, the cousins that I did know, you know, at a certain age, once they realized I found out who I was, they kind of shied away from me. They were around me when I didn’t realize they were my family.
10:32
when I realized they were my family and then they just kind of walked away and left me and my sister in this big mess that we didn’t cause. So I didn’t have anybody. And I should have gotten therapy for myself and my children because it ended up with my son, son, started fighting a lot. The reason why I left, I’m going too fast. The reason why I finally left my ex-husband is because he started to beat my oldest son. If you’re going to beat me, I choose to stay in this. I’m a grown ass woman, but these are children.
10:59
And my mom didn’t protect me. I’m going to protect my kids. So I left, got a divorce. He didn’t care. He tried to burn my house down with me and my kids. then like, it was a lot of shit. so fast forward, my son has a lot of anger in him, but he has anger towards bullies. He doesn’t like anyone trying to pick on people he loves that he values and he calls a friend. So in 2017, he was defending a friend and he got shot and killed.
11:28
That was when I realized like, what the fuck, why am I still going through this? Like I left the abuse, but I didn’t leave the trauma. That’s what it was. I never left the trauma. The trauma still festered inside of me. It was still very much a part of who I was. And I had to stop and it wasn’t even when he died. It was when I got his death certificate and I’m sitting in my car and I’m crying. Like who the fuck can I call? I can’t call anybody. I have not one person that I can call. Cause I’m in the city where I don’t know anyone. I was.
11:56
dating my now husband and like his family did not like me at all. They were like, they, and they knew my son died, but they were like, we don’t give a fuck. We don’t like you, her, whatever. So he was really the only person I had him in my two children who just lost their oldest sibling, who for a long time was their father. Because when I left their dad, he took over as the male adult role in their life while I worked three jobs, you know? So their life was shot. had nobody. So I had to stop to say, the fuck? I’m going to.
12:25
I’m going to find somebody else to talk to. So I had to cut off everybody I knew, except for like maybe two or three people. I cut off every single person, including a friend of mine who I actually moved to that city before because she was dating my husband’s brother. And she kicked me out three days after my son was born. I mean, was killed. And so I didn’t even have her. So I did. I’m like, you know, I think I’m not even a therapist. So it took me about a year after my son’s death. I dropped out of college. At this point, I’m trying to pick my life up. I’m going back to college.
12:55
I’m trying to do better with my life and getting the certifications that I need. I’m getting the jobs that I need. On paper, I look, but internally I was still all jacked up. So I went and got therapy and I realized that I had a lot of untreated trauma that I had to address. So the traditional therapy did not work completely. It was kind of the opening door to my healing journey. So I started therapy and
13:25
I thought that I was doing well, know, we through the treatments, went through the treatments, but they didn’t address the actual trauma. They just gave me a bunch of coping skills and said, here, this is what you need to do. It helped. It did. And you take this anti-anxiety medication, take this depression medication, you’ll be just fine. And it was okay. It did somewhat of what it needed to do. I was able to manage until I wasn’t. And then one day, about two years ago, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in jobs that I hated.
13:54
I worked for, you know, I guess on paper, good government jobs, working for the state. I worked for CPS because I felt like they were full of shit with how they did. It means that I never wanted to do a child like that. So I got a job for CPS, but I understand they have so many rules that confine you from being able to help. So I was miserable. I had a gun and I was going to shoot myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was right before the anniversary of my son’s fifth year of him being gone. And I was just.
14:23
severely, severely depressed. My husband, he got the gun for me. He had everything, made sure that I didn’t do anything. And I started to see, she was more of, she was a therapist, but not in a traditional form. She’s not more spiritual, but she’s just kind of, she kind of does her own thing. Her name was Dr. Robin, Paula, Dr. Robin. And she kind of talked to me, like, your trauma hasn’t been addressed. And she made me, she made me face my trauma. She made me write letters to myself, letters to my mom, not to go send to her, but to my…
14:53
and made me look at what happened to me. And she said, now tell me what you see. And I said, I see that I got myself in all these situations. She’s like, no, you’re blaming yourself for shit that didn’t happen, that happened to you. So the first thing I had to do was understand that the things that happened to me was not my fault. And the actions that I took after I left trauma was because of how I was learning behaviors. I didn’t know any type of healthy skills. I didn’t understand.
15:18
that my mom was an alcoholic as well. Our house was the party house. She got drunk, partied. That’s the only time I ever actually seen her happy. So that to me, partying makes you happy, but it didn’t really make me happy. It just kind of put a bandaid on it. It made me think that I was doing adult things when what I should have been doing the adult thing would have been seeking help for myself and my children. Would that have helped my son? I don’t know, but it couldn’t have hurt. So that’s kind of.
15:46
what started me on the path to trying to heal myself. And then I started to do more alternative medicine. I thought of meditation. I started breathing, deep breathing treatments. I neuro linguists. I cannot say that word. Neuro linguistics programming. And that kind of got me into coaching. I’m like, I can do this because I can build my own platform and help people who in the way that they need to focus on the actual problem.
16:13
not telling the count to take these purpose, not purpose, this, uh, Sarah quill and go to sleep, face your problems and hold yourself accountable for the things that you could have changed. Now we do the best we can, but some things I knew was flat out wrong. And I try to blame my trauma, but it wasn’t, it was because of the actions I chose to take. So that’s kind of where I am today. I’m just trying to continue my healing journey and use my story to possibly help anybody who might feel like they are.
16:43
new to trauma and don’t know where to go, you know, because it doesn’t stop when you leave. It stops when you start to heal and healing isn’t just, it’s not, it’s not easy. like you have to go through a lot of stuff. I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff. I still deal with a lot of hurt, but I’m willing, like even with the platform that I’ve built, I’m using that as another method to heal because it helps me to help other people know that the things that they’re going through can be resolved if they take the steps to
17:13
choose to be healthy and choose to heal. So that’s kind of my little story. That’s definitely not a little story at all. And I really appreciate the honesty with all of it, the directness with all of it and the willingness to not only look at this shit, but fucking do the work. It’s so fucked when we think about the systems at play, the generational trauma, the things that have just become norm. I can’t help.
17:42
but think about the bullshit of the religious system that allows somebody to do what they did while still going to what is considered a holy place to be able to speak on divine topics. It just screams hypocrisy, but it also screams much deeper than that, that there’s trauma. There are things that are just not taken care of, they’re not addressed. Some of that’s generational, some of that is that person where it’s like,
18:12
We can’t say it’s okay that any of that happened, but we can say it happened and this is what can be done from here, like what you’re doing, the work that you’re doing, the things that you’ve gone through. Because think about, even in what you had just said, you rattled off kind of a quicker version, obviously, than what really happened. But there were so many little points on that, even the journey that you just took us through, that you could have gone left instead of going right.
18:41
or you could have gone a different direction instead of going the direction that you did. And even when you think like you’d mentioned at one point about, and then a year later I did this, it’s so easy to just say that sort of thing now. Like if we look back at history and we go on this 15 year span, this thing happened. But so much shit happens within that amount of time that it can be really easy to almost just downplay it. Like, well then that year happened and then after that I did this thing, which is a big part of why.
19:09
why we have this platform for this show to be able to talk about the macro pieces of it of like, you go through this stuff as a person. And I say you as in like the general you who goes through let’s say similar things. And you have choices to make that can either take you further down that path or away from healing, or you can take steps toward healing that just feel fucking weird and awkward and so contradictory to where you’re at because you’re so used to this thing.
19:39
and trying to break away from what you have been taught. This is how this is. This is how this works. This is what this looks like. This is what you’re meant to be. You’re supposed to be abused and you’re supposed to be used up and you’re supposed to be all these things because generational trauma and because of the bullshit that they haven’t actually worked through. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. That in and of itself is just an awful thing. Thank you. That could have fucking crumbled you.
20:08
it. Yeah, I’m sure. I feel like in certain ways, like, if you hadn’t done the stuff that you had done to that point, it probably would have. Like if it happened sooner at a different time, if he wasn’t that age, and it was a few years younger or whatever. And, and I also appreciate that you’re like, maybe it could have helped maybe it could have like, because we don’t know.
20:34
And we don’t live in an alternate universe. Even if they are out there, we don’t live in those. And you can’t really do anything specifically with that, except for what you’re doing now and being able to actually heal yourself and help other people. The reason why I pause with that is I think there’s so much when we look at trauma, that I think a lot of people are unaware of. And I was in the same same boat where
21:01
I didn’t know that it was a thing until it became a thing, which is why self-awareness is such an important piece to it. gives, if you’re not aware of a thing, how the fuck can you be aware of it? And people listen to podcast probably are just close to nauseam with that because that happens almost every podcast episode where it’s like awareness, awareness, awareness. And I think we can actually build that. It’s like a muscle. The more you do, the more you understand there’s more to do, but the more you also understand you get to have grace with yourself and life.
21:31
doesn’t have a should to it. It’s not like life should look any sort of way. I would hope that we’re able to make these changes because even at one point you said back in the day, you’re only a handful years older than I am. So back in the day was really like the 90s. Right. Early 2000s, which is crazy to think that there was shit going on like that. But then again, they’re going to be kids that are like Generation Alpha and Generation Beta that are
21:59
30 years down the road, like, you know, back in the day in 2023, or whatever, you know what I mean? Be like, what? But how wild it is to actually understand that the trauma is not just, it’s not just the thing like, oh, well, this traumatic experience happened and okay, now we can move along from it. That shit is in our cells like white and red blood cells. So talk to us about
22:25
understanding the concept of the trauma lives in yourselves and then the work you went from the therapy into the deeper modalities because therapy is a thing and it’s great. I have a coach that I work with and I have therapy and I suggest, yeah, exactly. Everybody does the thing that works for them. Some people talk therapy is the big thing that helps. Some people it’s literally just a step. Some people it’s a thing that you do along with other things.
22:54
but for you to understand that there was more that you needed to go through, what did that look like from the perspective of somebody who else is going through those things or is far past that? Like, look, I’m in a better career, better life, I have family, I have this, I have that, but that shit still fucking happened. How do they understand about the trauma that lives in their cells and to be able to work that out of their cells?
23:18
I mean, it’s kind of hard to understand if you don’t have the right teaching. When I went to therapy, they didn’t help me understand. I had to actually face like right now on I’m doing what I call 100 day transformation challenge where I have to go back. I had to go back and relive every single like you say, I went through the cliff note version, but I had to deal with everything that was in me. I had to look at it. It means to look at every single thing that you have gone through and it means to
23:47
kind of acknowledge and feel it. You have to feel it because we have a way of blocking what is inside of us, excuse me, blocking the trauma that has happened to us, the things that we have gone through and we don’t allow it to be a part of us. It is who we are. Like you said, it’s like red and white cells in your body. It’s about acceptance. And once I was able to accept that that was a part of me, I was able to kind of release.
24:17
the things that it had, what it made me to be. That’s the only way I can put it. What I allowed it to make me to be after, but what it made me to be when I was growing, like you’re beat, you’re beat, you’re told you are nothing, you are not shit. You’re gonna be a whore, you’re gonna be a bitch. That’s embedded in your whole psyche, your whole who you are. You have to understand that that is not who you are. What happened to you was who you are, but not what was told to you. And…
24:47
I kind of know I’m answering exactly the way you asked me is just kind of.
24:53
It’s, I’m trying to find the words to put it in. Cause it’s not, there’s no one answer. It’s kind of based on your journey. Like you said, some people therapy is, that’s the business. You can go and you can talk to someone about everything that you go through. And that’s just the end of your journey. But for me, that wasn’t, that was not, I did have the good job and I did everything right. I was a good mom. I,
25:19
I was a good wife. I was a good girlfriend. I was a good everything. But the things that were deep inside of me, called that my, well, the inner child. The inner child, it wasn’t nurtured. It wasn’t taken care of. the part of me that was neglected was the part that kept coming out. It’s gonna come out. It’s gonna come out. And when I learned with Dr. how mine is journaling, I had to write. I have to write. When I was younger,
25:48
I used to write a lot and I wrote a book about my life. It’s not necessarily my name. I had to change a lot of things to protect my family, but when I wrote it, I wrote it down and it made it real. It made what happened to me, but I didn’t look at it and I had to look at what was done to me and I had to feel the anger because first I got mad. Then I became really sad about everything I went through.
26:12
Then I became determined to never ever, ever allow that to happen to anybody again. So I had to find my purpose in this mission. Why? Why did I go through this? I didn’t go through this just to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t go through this just to live with all of this anger and hurt inside of me. I went through this for a reason. And in the journey, I had to find my purpose. And that’s kind of what is my healing. My healing is the purpose that I found. I still have people that I talk to. still, like I say, you have your coach. I don’t.
26:38
Since I moved to Costa Rica, I don’t have my coach anymore, but I talk to her every once in a while and I get advice. But I have a community of people that I can go to who can help me on the bad days. And it’s knowing that you’re going to always have the bad days because again, it’s etched inside of who you are. It is never going to go away. And you just, like I said, I have to get to a point where I’m accepting it. My husband says sometimes I’ll sit up and talk about things that’s happened to me and I’ll laugh. And he tells me like some of the stuff you went through, it was like,
27:08
on a movie like I’ve seen people get shot in my face. I’ve had to take off my shirt and wrap it around someone’s leg because again, I was in a gang. So he’s like, you go through this stuff like it’s nothing. You wear it like it’s armor around you, but it kind of is. It protected me for years. And I had to release that armor and I had to break those barriers to get to the source of who I am. And that’s what I’m doing right now. It could be interesting when you take it as like a badge of honor or armor. And we can break that down.
27:37
bit by bit, you know, where certain times you could be like, well, I did this, so it’s made me stronger. But you also then use that as a shield, instead of using it as something that can help you continue to grow. And, and it’s really interesting to be able to actually expand upon those ideas. But it’s really difficult when you’re in those spots to be able to see that and feel that it’s, it’s life, though, it’s our lives, our lives are going to be how they are.
28:05
Like if we if you and I were able to go back to being kids, like little little kids, because again, we’re only a few years difference here. And and people were like, Alright, so here’s what life is going to look like up to 45 and 40. Do you want to go that route? I’m sure both of us be like, Get the fuck out of here. Like, No, no, I don’t want any fucking parts of that. Like, I can I check out now? You know, and but this all shapes the way that we are. And it’s wild how certain people
28:35
will attach to something and they’ll detach from other things and use something to be able to help them grow where they won’t. And everybody’s life is just how it is. There’s no shoulds, it’s no like you can have a five, 10 year plan, everything’s gonna work out how it’s supposed to because it’s just going to be what it’s going to be. But the fact that you’ve taken the work and taken the time to be able to do that work, I’m glad that you brought up that everybody’s path is different, everybody’s healing is different, modalities are different.
29:05
there are multiple pieces to it. As you kind of work through stuff though, what are the things that you’re learning? Because you’ve learned that therapy was a thing that helped you in a certain spot. There are different modalities that helped you in certain areas. But what are the things for your energetics right now that you’ve found that really help you to not only be able to solidify those things, but heal through them and feel them differently when stuff comes up where you’re not as charged as you were before? I’m going to say with the neural
29:33
Linguistics Program, NLP, I’m just gonna call it what it is. You nailed it, that’s right. Right. Changing the way I think about things that has happened to me, because I allow the thoughts of those things to control my emotions, instead of allowing it to teach me the lesson behind it. So I had to basically change my whole thought process. I had to take myself out of the victim mentality and put myself into the survivor. And even calling yourself a survivor can put yourself into a certain
30:02
classification, I’m trying to break chains of being classified as something and kind of broaden my horizons and look at myself as just PJ. I’m just me. So I’m learning how to reprogram the way I think, to reprogram the way I allow things to make me feel and because I am in control of my emotions, I can choose, like if you say, I could have went left instead of going right. And that’s what taught me I could have gone left, but I didn’t.
30:28
So I can continue to choose to not allow it to change or not allow it to break me. I can continue to choose to not allow it to make me into something that I don’t want to be, but I can also stop allowing it to cause me the trauma. Now that’s easier said than done. And I’m still working on that. are definitely processes, again, like journaling and facing your trauma and kind of breaking down each little thing that’s happened to you and express how that makes you feel.
30:58
how that makes you look at yourself. Why do you look at yourself in this way? Giving yourself affirmations to say, okay, this is how I felt, but this is what I’ve overcome. And this is how I’m gonna look at it now. Yes, mama, like my mom. My mom did do those things to me, but I have to look at it as my mom was a victim herself at one point. And in a sense, she allowed the abuse to make her go less because she allowed her to turn into an alcoholic. So now that’s not her. So am I angry with her for who she is today?
31:27
because of what happened to her. No, I’m not angry with her. forgive her. I love her. Do I speak to her? No, because she is still the alcoholic and I still don’t want to allow certain things into my life. But the anger that I had for her, I allowed myself to release it. I love there was a phrase my daughter sent me and me and I talk about it all the time. It’s like I release you with love and I have to learn how to release all of that bad with love and look at it in a different way. So that’s kind of how I choose to help me in my healing and change my mind frame and kind of get me to where I need to be in life.
31:57
There’s such power when it comes to just the overall mindfulness and how we mentally handle things. I think there are some basic components to this. There’s a subconscious that is there just to fucking keep us alive. Its only job is to make sure that we’re alive. Our mental capacity allows us to put thought together to then say, well, I’m going to do something or for us to then take action. And then semantically, we start to move upon those things.
32:25
But those three things have to happen. There are obviously more pieces to it than that. But I think from a very black and white aspect, but people will get to the point where they think about the things and I’ve heard this from different people like, hey, man, you can’t just mindset your way through life. It’s like, I fucking get that. That’s not the point of this show. Mental health and wellness is a major component to it. Because if we look at those three aspects, truly, the subconscious is what needs to be reshaped or
32:54
spoken to in a way to be able to understand that the story changed, how that affected me no longer needs to affect me. But then we get to actually put the mental work in to then semantically be able to do something and move about this life in a different way. So there are those layers and those pieces to all of that and all that has to work how you have it working for you. I love that you’ve went through and journaled, you’ve looked at those things.
33:20
You’ve talked about those things, you’ve worked through those things, and you’re working through processing those things. What’s that piece of advice you give to somebody that’s on their path towards self-mastery that you think could help them along a similar path that you’ve been on? Just keep going, you know? Even if you’re gonna go less sometimes, don’t allow whatever you’re dealing with to stop you from trying to strive for better in your life because it is a possibility, it is out there. You can…
33:49
be a better person than yourself. Do not allow what has happened to you to define who you are. Because what happened to you is not you. That’s not you. That’s someone else. That’s their healing process. You need to find who you are and don’t let the trauma be who you are because you’re not the trauma. The trauma is what was done to you. Great way to put that. Hey, I appreciate you being on today. I appreciate you going through all that you’ve gone through and the work that you continue to do.
34:16
And before I let you go, where can people find you and where can they connect with you? They can find me at Soulful Resilience on IG. It’s just Soulful Resilience Journey. That’s my coaching company. on Facebook, you can find me at PJ Jones. I don’t really go on LinkedIn, but it is also Pauline Jones, Soulful Resilience Journey. But that’s the best, the best, best way to get a hold of me is through Facebook at PJ Jones on Facebook. Perfect.
34:44
And we’ll have that stuff in the show notes. Again, PJ, it was awesome having you on. Thank you so much for being with me today. Thank you so much. Thank you.
https://youtu.be/fLpCOTNWE9g