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How to Deal with an Octopus Friend (Mara, Age 9)
Hi,
I’ll be off for the holiday weekend, but if you’re around or need to pass some time while traveling, I thought you might enjoy a re-release of an episode about Octopus Friends who squeeze so tightly they make others want to escape!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 84 - Torn between two friends who don’t like each other (Jennifer, Age 10)
Ep. 4 - One friend feels left out (Thomas, Age 13)
Ep. 17 - Balancing a best friend and another friend (Sophie, Age 10)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had an Octopus friend, someone who wanted to keep you all to themselves? How did you handle it?
Why do you think trying to hold on tightly to a friend because you’re scared of losing them makes it more likely that you’ll lose them?
Have you ever had a friendship where you liked the other person more than they liked you? How did you feel? What did you do?
Having more than one friend can be tricky. How do you decide which friend(s) to play with and when?
Here are 3 octopus facts:
Number 1) They have three hearts: two to to send blood to their gills, so they can breath, and a bigger one to send blood to the rest of their body.
Number 2) They have blue blood because it contains copper.
Number 3) They can use the suckers on their arms to feel, taste, and smell!
Octopuses are very cool. But a kid who acts like an octopus friend? That’s not cool!
Listen to learn more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
I’m off for the holiday weekend, but I thought you might like to hear a re-release of an older episode. Yep, it’s about an octopus friend! Here’s a question from Episode 13:
Hi, my name is Mara, I’m 9 years old, and my question is: What do we do when a friend wants to keep me all to themselves? Thank you.
Hi, Mara, that’s a very important question. Thanks for sending it in!
Your friend is being what I call an “Octopus Friend.” She’s squeezing you so tightly that it makes you want to get away.
Now, we always want to try to imagine things from the other person’s point of view because that helps us to make wise and kind choices. Why do you think your friend wants to keep you all to herself?
My guess is that she’s scared of losing you as a friend. Maybe it’s hard for her to make friends, and she really doesn’t have other options of people to play with. That would make the idea of losing you very scary to her. She doesn’t want to be all alone. I can understand that!
Maybe there’ve been some changes in your relationship that make her feel less confident about your friendship.
Maybe the two of you are doing different activities, so you have less in common, or you’ve been extra busy, so you haven’t spent as much time together as you used to.
Maybe you’ve made some new friends, and she’s feeling sad and left behind.
Here’s something that happens often in friendships: people sometimes do things, because they’re scared, that bring about exactly what they’re scared of. So, in this case, your friend is probably sensing that you want to move away from her, so she clings more tightly to you, but that makes you want to move away more, which makes her want to cling more, and so on.
So, what should you do? It might be tempting to yell at her and say, “Go away! You’re annoying! Leave me alone!” It’s understandable that you would want space if your friend is clinging tightly, but expressing your feelings in that way would be very hurtful.
Assuming you still want to be friends with her–just not squished by her–one option could be to include her when you play with other kids. That lets you build your other friendships without hurting her. It also might make your friend feel like she has more friends, which could make her less scared about losing you.
Another possibility is to talk to your friend and tell her how much you like her AND that you sometimes want to do things with other kids. If you do this, be gentle and thoughtful. Think about how you’d want to be treated in her situation, and try not to leave her stuck all by herself.
You could say, “I really like you, and our friendship means a lot to me, but sometimes I want to play soccer at recess, and I know you don’t like soccer. How about if on Tuesdays, I play soccer and you play four-square, which I don’t like, and we play together on the other days?” If you go with some kind of splitting your time option, be sure to be extra kind, fun, and friendly when you’re together with this friend, so she knows you really do like her.
Still another possibility is to focus on your other friendships when she’s not around. At recess, when everyone is together, it makes sense that your friend would feel hurt if you say, “I don’t want to play with you; I want to play with them!” But on the weekends or after school, you could easily get together with other kids without that being an in-your-face rejection of your friend.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
Hi,
I’ll be off for the holiday weekend, but if you’re around or need to pass some time while traveling, I thought you might enjoy a re-release of an episode about Octopus Friends who squeeze so tightly they make others want to escape!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 84 - Torn between two friends who don’t like each other (Jennifer, Age 10)
Ep. 4 - One friend feels left out (Thomas, Age 13)
Ep. 17 - Balancing a best friend and another friend (Sophie, Age 10)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had an Octopus friend, someone who wanted to keep you all to themselves? How did you handle it?
Why do you think trying to hold on tightly to a friend because you’re scared of losing them makes it more likely that you’ll lose them?
Have you ever had a friendship where you liked the other person more than they liked you? How did you feel? What did you do?
Having more than one friend can be tricky. How do you decide which friend(s) to play with and when?
Here are 3 octopus facts:
Number 1) They have three hearts: two to to send blood to their gills, so they can breath, and a bigger one to send blood to the rest of their body.
Number 2) They have blue blood because it contains copper.
Number 3) They can use the suckers on their arms to feel, taste, and smell!
Octopuses are very cool. But a kid who acts like an octopus friend? That’s not cool!
Listen to learn more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
I’m off for the holiday weekend, but I thought you might like to hear a re-release of an older episode. Yep, it’s about an octopus friend! Here’s a question from Episode 13:
Hi, my name is Mara, I’m 9 years old, and my question is: What do we do when a friend wants to keep me all to themselves? Thank you.
Hi, Mara, that’s a very important question. Thanks for sending it in!
Your friend is being what I call an “Octopus Friend.” She’s squeezing you so tightly that it makes you want to get away.
Now, we always want to try to imagine things from the other person’s point of view because that helps us to make wise and kind choices. Why do you think your friend wants to keep you all to herself?
My guess is that she’s scared of losing you as a friend. Maybe it’s hard for her to make friends, and she really doesn’t have other options of people to play with. That would make the idea of losing you very scary to her. She doesn’t want to be all alone. I can understand that!
Maybe there’ve been some changes in your relationship that make her feel less confident about your friendship.
Maybe the two of you are doing different activities, so you have less in common, or you’ve been extra busy, so you haven’t spent as much time together as you used to.
Maybe you’ve made some new friends, and she’s feeling sad and left behind.
Here’s something that happens often in friendships: people sometimes do things, because they’re scared, that bring about exactly what they’re scared of. So, in this case, your friend is probably sensing that you want to move away from her, so she clings more tightly to you, but that makes you want to move away more, which makes her want to cling more, and so on.
So, what should you do? It might be tempting to yell at her and say, “Go away! You’re annoying! Leave me alone!” It’s understandable that you would want space if your friend is clinging tightly, but expressing your feelings in that way would be very hurtful.
Assuming you still want to be friends with her–just not squished by her–one option could be to include her when you play with other kids. That lets you build your other friendships without hurting her. It also might make your friend feel like she has more friends, which could make her less scared about losing you.
Another possibility is to talk to your friend and tell her how much you like her AND that you sometimes want to do things with other kids. If you do this, be gentle and thoughtful. Think about how you’d want to be treated in her situation, and try not to leave her stuck all by herself.
You could say, “I really like you, and our friendship means a lot to me, but sometimes I want to play soccer at recess, and I know you don’t like soccer. How about if on Tuesdays, I play soccer and you play four-square, which I don’t like, and we play together on the other days?” If you go with some kind of splitting your time option, be sure to be extra kind, fun, and friendly when you’re together with this friend, so she knows you really do like her.
Still another possibility is to focus on your other friendships when she’s not around. At recess, when everyone is together, it makes sense that your friend would feel hurt if you say, “I don’t want to play with you; I want to play with them!” But on the weekends or after school, you could easily get together with other kids without that being an in-your-face rejection of your friend.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.