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How to express your feelings with friends (Aida, Age 5)
Hi,
Most podcast questions I get refer to specific problems, but sometimes kids send in a general question, and I can only guess about the story behind it.
In this week’s podcast episode, Aida asks how to show her feelings. This brings up a whole host of questions: What kind of feelings? What happens if we don’t express our feelings? What are some helpful and not-so-helpful ways of expressing feelings?
There are some big, important themes behind this brief question! Take a listen!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
Ep. 45 - Gets angry at classmates (Reid, Age 5)
Ep. 86 - How to know if you can trust a friend (Sally, Age 14)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is expressing both positive and negative feelings important for building a strong friendship?
What are some unhelpful ways to express negative feelings? What should you do instead?
Use the “I feel…when you… because… Please…” formula to create an example of how you might express your feelings to a friend. Why is this a useful formula? (Hint: What information does it give your friend?)
What are some reasons why kids sometimes have trouble expressing positive feelings to a friend? Why do they sometimes have trouble expressing negative feelings to a friend? (Hint: What are they be afraid might happen?)
Here’s a brain teaser for you:
What runs through all friendships, building them or breaking them, quietly or loudly or silently?
Can you guess?
The answer is: our feelings!
Stay tuned to hear more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name’s Aida. I'm 5 years old, and my question is, how do you show your feelings?
Hi, Aida, Thanks for sending in this interesting question! Letting friends see your feelings is an important part of helping them get to know and understand you.
There are two main kinds of feelings we need to show in friendships: positive and negative. They’re both important for building strong friendships.
Expressing positive feelings helps friendships grow. You can do that without words or with words. For instance, you can smile at a friend to show you’re happy to see her. You can laugh with a friend to share a funny moment. You can use your words to compliment, encourage, or comfort a friend or do an act of kindness to show she matters to you. All of these ways of expressing positive feelings help you and your friend feel closer to each other.
What about negative feelings? Negative feelings are our internal signal that something is not right. Sometimes, our negative feelings are mild. For instance you might feel a bit annoyed when a friend talks with her mouth full of food. That’s yucky, but it’s probably not something that would end your friendship.
On the other hand, because our friends matter to us, we can sometime have very strong negative feelings about them. So, you might feel furious at a friend who told your secret, or jealous when a friend hangs out with someone else.
What do you think might happen to your friendship if you never expressed negative feelings? Most likely, your negative feelings would build and build and build, because you never told your friend what bothered you, so your friend keeps doing whatever that is. Yikes! Saying nothing when you’re upset could end up ruining a friendship!
But what do you think might happen if you complained and yelled at your friend every time you were even slightly upset about something she did? Double yikes! That could also end up ruining your friendship! If you frequently scold your friend, that would make it hard for your friend to enjoy your company.
So we need to find a middle ground between always and never expressing negative feelings to friends, and do it in kind and helpful ways. Here are some ideas to keep in mind:
First, if there’s a problem with your friend, talk directly to her about it, rather than involving others. It might be tempting to try to get people on your side, but audience participation is generally not helpful in resolving friendship problems. It just makes the problem bigger.
Second, decide if it’s something that needs expressing. If your feelings are mild or the event is not something that’s likely to happen again, you may decide just to accept or forgive your friend and move on. That can be a generous thing to do.
Third, if you decide to express your negative feelings, try to do it in a way that makes it easy for your friend to hear you. If you yell at your friend, she’s not going to want to listen. If you say things like “You always” or “You never,” your friend will likely argue with you. If you call your friend names or tell her she’s a bad person, she might try to defend herself by doing the same to you. If you sulk, act grumpy, or refuse to talk to your friend, she’ll have no idea what the problem is, and she might think you’re just mean. Ugh.
Your goal in showing negative feelings is not to get even with your friend or make her suffer! It’s to help your friend understand how you feel and what you want so you can improve your friendship.
You might want to use the formula, “I feel…when you… because… Please…” Let me say that again: “I feel…when you… because… Please…” For example, you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when you ask to copy my answers because that’s against the rules. Please do your own work or, if you need help, ask me to explain how to do it.” Or maybe, you could say “I feel hurt when you whisper with Sophie while I’m around because then I’m left out. Please either include me in the conversation or wait until I’m not around if you have something private to discuss with her.”
Think about what response you want from your friend. That will guide you toward how to communicate your feelings.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
Hi,
Most podcast questions I get refer to specific problems, but sometimes kids send in a general question, and I can only guess about the story behind it.
In this week’s podcast episode, Aida asks how to show her feelings. This brings up a whole host of questions: What kind of feelings? What happens if we don’t express our feelings? What are some helpful and not-so-helpful ways of expressing feelings?
There are some big, important themes behind this brief question! Take a listen!
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
Ep. 45 - Gets angry at classmates (Reid, Age 5)
Ep. 86 - How to know if you can trust a friend (Sally, Age 14)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is expressing both positive and negative feelings important for building a strong friendship?
What are some unhelpful ways to express negative feelings? What should you do instead?
Use the “I feel…when you… because… Please…” formula to create an example of how you might express your feelings to a friend. Why is this a useful formula? (Hint: What information does it give your friend?)
What are some reasons why kids sometimes have trouble expressing positive feelings to a friend? Why do they sometimes have trouble expressing negative feelings to a friend? (Hint: What are they be afraid might happen?)
Here’s a brain teaser for you:
What runs through all friendships, building them or breaking them, quietly or loudly or silently?
Can you guess?
The answer is: our feelings!
Stay tuned to hear more!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name’s Aida. I'm 5 years old, and my question is, how do you show your feelings?
Hi, Aida, Thanks for sending in this interesting question! Letting friends see your feelings is an important part of helping them get to know and understand you.
There are two main kinds of feelings we need to show in friendships: positive and negative. They’re both important for building strong friendships.
Expressing positive feelings helps friendships grow. You can do that without words or with words. For instance, you can smile at a friend to show you’re happy to see her. You can laugh with a friend to share a funny moment. You can use your words to compliment, encourage, or comfort a friend or do an act of kindness to show she matters to you. All of these ways of expressing positive feelings help you and your friend feel closer to each other.
What about negative feelings? Negative feelings are our internal signal that something is not right. Sometimes, our negative feelings are mild. For instance you might feel a bit annoyed when a friend talks with her mouth full of food. That’s yucky, but it’s probably not something that would end your friendship.
On the other hand, because our friends matter to us, we can sometime have very strong negative feelings about them. So, you might feel furious at a friend who told your secret, or jealous when a friend hangs out with someone else.
What do you think might happen to your friendship if you never expressed negative feelings? Most likely, your negative feelings would build and build and build, because you never told your friend what bothered you, so your friend keeps doing whatever that is. Yikes! Saying nothing when you’re upset could end up ruining a friendship!
But what do you think might happen if you complained and yelled at your friend every time you were even slightly upset about something she did? Double yikes! That could also end up ruining your friendship! If you frequently scold your friend, that would make it hard for your friend to enjoy your company.
So we need to find a middle ground between always and never expressing negative feelings to friends, and do it in kind and helpful ways. Here are some ideas to keep in mind:
First, if there’s a problem with your friend, talk directly to her about it, rather than involving others. It might be tempting to try to get people on your side, but audience participation is generally not helpful in resolving friendship problems. It just makes the problem bigger.
Second, decide if it’s something that needs expressing. If your feelings are mild or the event is not something that’s likely to happen again, you may decide just to accept or forgive your friend and move on. That can be a generous thing to do.
Third, if you decide to express your negative feelings, try to do it in a way that makes it easy for your friend to hear you. If you yell at your friend, she’s not going to want to listen. If you say things like “You always” or “You never,” your friend will likely argue with you. If you call your friend names or tell her she’s a bad person, she might try to defend herself by doing the same to you. If you sulk, act grumpy, or refuse to talk to your friend, she’ll have no idea what the problem is, and she might think you’re just mean. Ugh.
Your goal in showing negative feelings is not to get even with your friend or make her suffer! It’s to help your friend understand how you feel and what you want so you can improve your friendship.
You might want to use the formula, “I feel…when you… because… Please…” Let me say that again: “I feel…when you… because… Please…” For example, you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when you ask to copy my answers because that’s against the rules. Please do your own work or, if you need help, ask me to explain how to do it.” Or maybe, you could say “I feel hurt when you whisper with Sophie while I’m around because then I’m left out. Please either include me in the conversation or wait until I’m not around if you have something private to discuss with her.”
Think about what response you want from your friend. That will guide you toward how to communicate your feelings.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.