In this episode of Start With A Win, Adam and Mark pick up the conversation from last week, discussing Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. The first episode highlighted an overview of the six principles that help to win people over as friends. Adam sets the stage for this episode, which focuses on how to win people over to your thinking. So how do we influence people?

The first of these points surrounds argument. Adam advises not to argue with people. Instead, simply appreciate that they have an opinion on the issue at all. He calls on martial arts wisdom when he says, “the best fight one is the one not fought at all.” In other words, avoiding fighting with someone is better than winning an argument. 

And this can be magnified by the next point, which is to respect differences in opinion. If you can appreciate the fact that someone thinks differently than you, you humanize them and humble yourself. Admitting when you’re wrong can only make this effect stronger. Apologize for mistakes to show that you need grace, too.

Another trick is to begin in a friendly way, which can be as simple as responding enthusiastically from the first interaction. Building on this positivity, another tip is to simply get people to say yes. But instead of thinking about these yesses as finalizing sales (or some formal agreement), think about them like micro yesses, as Mark says. The sheer act of saying yes—even to a simple fact—gets them agreeing with you early, which can help set the tone of the conversation moving forward.

To influence people, you need to first be aligned. We want people to feel that our opinions are valued. And the reality is that no one will care about your thoughts unless you care about theirs. “And someone has to take that first step,” Adam says. When you don’t have mutual trust and understanding, it is virtually impossible to get them to care about what you have to say. You can also call praise and appreciation to their efforts, which can be framed so as not to blame. If you can suggest a change without saying that it’s their fault, you’re that much closer to winning them over to your own thinking.

To avoid feelings of condemnation, try to avoid giving orders. Instead, try asking questions. No one likes being told what to do, but asking questions opens up creative problem-solving. This allows you to sacrifice your own ego to let the other person’s ideas shine. “When you sacrifice your ego, you maintain control of your emotions, and emotions drive behavior,” Adam says. So much of this hinges on emotional control, so offer praise if you want to see motivation.

Finally, this framework of influence is based on building an emotional connection to establish a common team. Influencing is about establishing a framework to work together. And at the end of it all, be sure to reward them. Everyone likes a pat on the back and feeling like they are appreciated. These tips will only help you to succeed. And as always—start with a win.

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