Hi there,

Why do some kids feel like outsiders with their peers? There are probably a million answers to that question, but one possibility is that they just don’t know how to join in the fun of a group. This week’s podcast has some very specific suggestions for how to do just that.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured webinar, Dealing with Feelings About Friends – For Kids! Children’s biggest feelings tend to focus around friendships. How your child handles those feelings can determine whether their friendships continue or shatter.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 112 - How to Show Openness to Friendship

Ep. 85 - Fitting in versus being true to yourself (Nev, Age 11)

Ep. 98 - How to join a group when not everyone wants you in (Jessica, Age 9)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

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1. Send in your child’s question!!!

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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some reasons why it’s sometimes hard to join a group of kids?

• Why is it important to match the emotional tone of a conversation if you want to join a group?

• What do you look for when you decide whether to try to join a group?

• Do you think you are open to having kids join you if you are hanging out with friends at school or at an activity? What could you do to make another kid feel welcome?

• Do you always have to include people who want to join your group? Why or why not?

Transcript

Imagine a car merging onto a highway. What does it do? First, it pauses or slows down on the entrance ramp, to gauge the traffic pattern and speed, then it joins the flow of traffic.

Joining a group of kids works pretty much the same way. Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Addison, and I am nine-and-a-half-years old. And I have a hard time joining groups and making friends at lunch and recess. Can you please help me?

Hi, Addison! Thanks for sending in your question. When you’re watching all the other kids playing together, and you’re on the outside of the action, you might feel left out and lonely. You might also feel anxious and self-conscious if you want to join but you’re not sure how.

Luckily, based on watching lots of kids on the playground, scientists have figured out for us the specific strategy that kids use to join a group: Watch then blend. Watch what the other kids are doing, then slide into the action without interrupting. We have to do both steps.

Getting back to that car merging onto the highway, what would happen if the car didn’t watch and just barged into traffic? Yikes! That would cause a big crash!

That would be like a kid trying to join a group playing soccer by grabbing the ball and running off with it. Not a good idea! That would wreck the game and make everyone mad.

And what if the car just sat there on the entrance ramp, watching the other cars go by but never merging? The car would never get anywhere!

That would be like a kid just watching others play and staying apart.

So, what might watch-then-blend look like?

Suppose a group of kids are playing tag. You could watch to see who’s It and what the boundaries are, then just start running around to join the fun.

If kids are building something, you could watch to see what they’re doing, then maybe bring over some extra supplies.

If kids are playing four-square, you could watch to see the order of the squares, then stand at the end of the line of people waiting to play.

Don’t ask, “Can I play, too?” because that interrupts the action. Plus it’s too much of an opening for mischievous kids to say, “No, you can’t play! Hahaha!”

What if you want to join a group of kids who are having a conversation? The same watch-then-blend strategy works, but this time you need to match the emotional tone of the group. So if everyone is excited about a collectible, you could join by being positive about it, too. You could ask an interested question or give a compliment like, “Wow! That’s a cool one!”

What if you hate the collectible? Don’t announce that! That would be like saying, “I don’t belong here!” Instead, you could find another group, where they all hate the collectible, or at least they’re talking about something else.

In the same vein, if everyone is complaining about the social studies test, you could complain, too. Don’t pretend you’re dumb. That won’t help. But you could say something like, “I can’t believe there were four short answer questions!” or “I can’t believe we had to take the social studies test on the same day as the math test!”

If you really can’t think of anything to say, another option is just to listen, smile, and nod. You’re still joining the group without interrupting, even if you’re taking a quieter role. With time, you’ll probably feel more comfortable about being more actively involved.

Research tells us that you’re more likely to be able to join a group of four or more or a single kid. It’s not that you can’t join a group of two or three, but a bigger group tends to be more open, and a single kid is probably looking for someone to hang out with.

It’s also a good idea to try to join kids who seem kind. If one group isn’t open to having you join, that’s okay. That happens to everyone. Just try another group.

It takes courage to join in, but I hope you will! Staying apart can be lonely for you, and you’re also depriving other kids of all the fun and caring you have to offer!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check the show notes for a link to get my free guide featuring 12 ways to help your child make friends.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.