Hi,

I have a confession to make: In high school, I was a member of the math club.

The defining feature of every group is that some people are in, and some people are out. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, When a group is based on certain interests or experiences that nonmembers don’t share—such as enjoying math brain teasers— nonmembers don’t care about being left out. They probably have other groups where they feel more connected.

Being included, accepted, and wanted as part of a group feels lovely! But feeling like an outsider in a group where we want to belong stings.

Friendship group membership is more complicated than club membership because the rules about who’s in or out are less clear. In this week’s podcast episode, Jessica wonders what to do when one member of a group doesn’t want her to belong.

This is episode 98 of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast! I’ll be off next week for Easter family events, but I’m looking forward to doing something special for episode 100! If your child would like to participate, please make an audio recording of them saying:

1) Their first name (or a first name),

2) Their age, and

3) One thing they’ve learned from the podcast.

Send the recording to me at [email protected] by April 26 (or sooner).

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 8 - Excluded by friends (Blake, Age 11)

Ep. 9 - Told she can't play (Ava, Age 9)

Ep. 60 - Friends invited but not him (Henry, Age 8)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• What are some groups you belong to? What do you have in common with other group members? Is it easy or hard for new people to join those groups?

• Why do you think kids sometimes don’t want new people to join their friendship group? (Hint: What might they be afraid could happen?)

• Would you rather be in a friendship group where everyone is equal or where you get to be the boss? Why?

• What qualities make some kids more powerful than others in a friendship group? In other words, why do other kids let certain kids be “in charge”?

• How could building up one-on-one friendships help you join a group?

Transcript

Are you part of a group of friends? Usually what draws friendship groups together is having things in common, like similar interests or activities, and enjoying each others’ company. Friendship groups can be a lot of fun! It feels good to belong! But the tricky thing is that if some people belong to a group, that implies that other people…don’t.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm 9 years old. This is my question: There's a friend group I want to join, but one of the members of the friend group don't want me to join. How should I handle this?

Hi, Jessica! Thanks for sending in your question! You’ve touched on a very important topic, which is, what does it mean to belong to a friendship group?

When you join a club, the rules are usually very clear. You show up at a certain time. You do a certain activity.

With a friendship group, it can be harder to figure out what the rules are.

Some friendship groups are very open. Pretty much anyone can belong. For instance, if a bunch of kids play tag every day at recess, that’s probably an easy group to join, as long as you play the game and add to the fun.

Or, you might have a group of neighborhood kids. What brings that group together is living near each other. If you live in the neighborhood and act friendly, that’s also probably a relatively easy group to join.

But other groups can be trickier to join. If the group is small or the kids know each other very well and spend a lot of time together, it can be hard to join as an outsider.

There’s another wrinkle to consider in terms of joining a friendship group, and that’s something called hierarchy. Hierarchy means who’s on top? In some groups, there’s no one on top because everyone is an equal member. I like those groups the best.

In other groups, there’s one person or a couple of people who other group members look up to, and they tend to make all the decisions and even boss everyone else around.

So, how could you join this group?

First ask yourself, do you have things in common with the other members? Do you like to do the same things? Do you see each other outside of school? If you don’t have much in common, then you’re probably not going to be able to join the group.

But it sounds like you’ve already formed individual friendships with some of the group members. That’s great! That’s usually the best way to ease into a new group.

Now, what about the one girl who doesn’t want you to join? Would you say she’s a more powerful member of the group than the other girls, or is it a group where everyone is equal?

If it’s an equal group, being friends with even one member could be enough to help you join.

If the other girls always do what she wants, and she’s against you being part of the group, it will be harder for you to join. The other girls might not want to bring you in if they think she’ll be mad at them for doing that.

Do you have any idea why she doesn’t want you to join? Maybe you had a misunderstanding in the past that you could talk through. Maybe she’s afraid the group won’t feel as close if it gets too big. Or maybe she’s someone who just doesn’t like change and needs time to adjust.

You might be able to shift her thinking by trying to be extra friendly and kind to her so she can see that it’s fun having you around! You could smile and say hi when you see her, give her sincere compliments, or do small things to help her. You could even try asking her for help, which can be a sign of respect. With time, you might be able to wear down her resistance.

You could also try deepening your friendships with the other girls. If everyone else in the group knows you well and likes you, it will be harder for her to resist having you be part of the group.

Be careful not to gossip about her or try to turn the other girls against her. That would be unkind. But you also don’t have to give up and go along with the idea that she’s the boss of everything and everyone!

Once you know the other girls well, you might want to invite everyone, including that girl, to do something fun with you. Maybe go bowling or have everyone over for pizza and a movie.

There’s one more very important idea to keep in mind: You don’t have to belong to only one friendship group! In fact, I recommend being part of several groups and being open to new members once you’re part of a group! This protects you from friendship drama because you have more options, it lets you build more friendships, and it gives you a chance to discover and express different aspects of yourself. You are bigger than just one group!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.