Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. Her book comes out next week! I promise you will love it. Or I hope you like it as much as I did.

How to Know When to Leave - Part 2 of my conversation with Jessica Baum

Lately, it feels like everyone is talking about attachment theory. I scroll online through articles and essays about attachment sometimes, curious, half-amused, half-heartbroken. There’s something oddly comforting about realizing how many of us are just trying to make sense of our patterns - to understand why connection can feel both like safety and danger at once. You guessed it, I am an anxious attachment most of the time. Asking myself the question, can I be anxious and worried and feel safe in my relationships?

And what it means to actually feel safe in a relationship - not just secure in theory, but calm in the body. Therapist Jessica Baum writes beautifully about this in her book, offering a roadmap for those of us who have spent a lifetime in survival mode. She talks about how attachment wounds - those early, invisible imprints - can shape the way we move through the world. How we seek love, and how we sometimes run from it.

What struck me most was her invitation to notice when our nervous systems are leading the way - when we’re in fight, flight, or freeze - and to find small, grounded ways back to trust. It’s not about fixing ourselves or finding the “right” partner. It’s about learning to recognize the moments when something inside us says: this isn’t safe anymore.

And maybe that’s the hardest part - knowing when to stay and when to leave.

Because secure love isn’t supposed to feel like walking on eggshells or constantly trying to earn your place. It’s supposed to feel like warmth, like ease, like a deep breath. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is to stop running from the ache inside us long enough to listen to it.

Healing, it turns out, is less about perfection and more about noticing - the small shifts, the moments of calm, the people who make your nervous system sigh in relief. Making a space between the stimuli and our actions.

Maybe that’s what we’re all looking for. Not just to be loved, but to feel safe enough to stay - or safe enough to go.

This is such a rich conversation, and the second part is my favorite. And a bonus - Jessica has also created some free gifts for you, including a resource on attachment beyond labels and a video conversation with her mentor, Bonnie Badenoch.

See you next time.Let’s love, Carissa

PS You can find Jessica Baum on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.

PPS Our 2026 ONLY GOOD THINGS Calendar is almost sold out! If you want one, here is the link. We are holding out hope for the future and celebrating the cyclical nature of life with our new Only Good Things 2026 Calendar made in collaboration with Goods for the Study.

This calendar collects our favorite things for each month, plus moon phases and space for hand-written notes.

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