Hi there,

Trying to make a new friend can feel daunting. And risky. What if you get rejected?!

In response to Aida’s question this week, I spell out some key steps for starting a friendship. (Hint: They don’t involve grabbing a potential friend and stuffing them in a box!)

Let me know what you think about this episode!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on kids’ self-esteem, plus my new Premium Membership!

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 72 - Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)

Ep. 73 - Best friend stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)

Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

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1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Think of a friend you know. How did your friendship begin?

• If you want to make a new friend, why is it important to choose to reach out to someone who is a good candidate for friendship? What makes someone seem like a good friendship possibility?

• What are some ways that you have shown friends (or potential friends) that you like them?

• Why is it not a good idea to try to buy someone’s friendship by giving them money or your favorite things?

• Why is it important to notice how people respond to your friendly actions? What might it mean if they respond positively? What might it mean if they respond negatively?

Transcript

Rocks are interesting. There are so many different kinds of rocks: smooth ones, bumpy ones, shiny ones, grainy ones, white ones, orange ones, yellow ones, green ones, gray ones, even purple ones!

Sometimes kids think about friendship as if they were collecting rocks. Just like they might think, “Ooh! Look how many cool rocks I have in my collection!”, they want to be able to say, “Ooh! Look how many cool friends I have in my collection!”

But you can’t just grab a friend and shove them into a box the way you would a rock.

Making friends is more like planting flowers. It takes time for the friendship to grow. You have to put in effort, be observant, and be patient. But the result can be beautiful! Take a listen.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

My name is Aida. I’m nine years old, and my question is, what’s the easiest way to make a new friend?

Hi, Aida. Thanks for sending in your question! You’ve already taken the first step by just wanting to make a new friend! So, how can you help a friendship grow?

Well, you need to find people who are good candidates for friendship. Look for someone who’s kind, who you see regularly, and who likes to do the same things you do! That’s like planting your friendship flower seeds in fertile ground. Choosing people who are likely to respond well to your friendship efforts makes it more likely those efforts will pay off.

If you don’t see someone in your current groups who seems like a good friendship option, you may need to try to join other groups. What do you like to do that you could do with other people? That might help you find someone who shares your interests.

Next, you need to show that person that you want to be friends. This is kind of like watering the friendship flower.

You don’t have to make a big announcement to let them know you like them. Just say hi and look happy to see them. Chat with them at lunch or recess or on the bus. Ask interested questions beginning with “how” or “what” to get to know them better and find things you have in common. Do small acts of kindness like lending them a pencil when they forgot one, or helping them pick up if they’ve dropped things. And most importantly, have fun with them!

One of the best things you can do to signal liking is to spend time with someone outside of where you usually see them. So, if you usually see a potential friend at aftercare, maybe you could arrange with relevant adults to invite them over for a get-together at your home or set up a plan to meet them at the park on the weekend. If you’ve had fun together once, you probably know them well enough to invite them.

Don’t try to buy anyone’s friendship by giving them money or giving away your favorite things. That’s not going to work. The other kid might take the thing, but they won’t respect you, and it could lead you to feel resentful.

If you were trying to grow a flower, you wouldn’t keep watering it until it was flooded. And you definitely wouldn’t stomp on the flower! You’d look carefully at the flower to see what it needed or wanted.

So, when you’re growing a friendship, you also need to pay attention to what the other kid needs or wants. Watch for how they respond to your friendly actions. If they respond well, you can continue or maybe do more. If they don’t, that’s a sign that maybe you’re doing too much too fast or approaching them in a way they don’t like. Or maybe they’re just not interested in being friends with you. That’s okay. You have other options.

No friend wants to feel controlled, so be open to letting your new friend have other friends. Maybe you can befriend those kids, too!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.