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How to make friends with a new classmate (Adeline, Age 7)
Hi,
Have you ever been the new kid in a classroom? How did you manage to become more comfortable in the new setting? Who or what helped? How long did it take for you to make friends?
In this week’s podcast episode, Adeline wants to know how to help a news classmate, but she’s also concerned about coming on too strong and overwhelming the new student. I offer some practical ideas about how to find that “just-right” level of reaching out that can help build a friendship.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 82: Expand friend group without hurting best friend (Paa, Age 12)
Ep. 72: Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)
Ep. 70: Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is it sometimes hard to be the new kid in a class?
Why is it not a good idea to go to someone’s home and try all their beds? (Hint: How is that likely to make them feel?)
What are some clues that you might be coming on too strong and overwhelming a friend? (Hint: What might the friend say or do to let you know this?)
How is a conversation like a game of catch?
If you’re not sure how a friend is feeling about something, what’s the quickest way to find out? Why is this a kind thing to do?
Do you know the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Goldilocks breaks into the bears’ house and tries all their stuff...including their beds! Clearly someone needs to explain boundaries to Goldilocks because going to someone’s house and trying all their beds is definitely crossing some lines!
But anyway, Goldilocks thinks the Papa Bear’s bed is too hard, and the Mama Bear’s bed is too soft, but the Baby Bear’s bed is just right.
Making a new friend involves finding that just-right amount of reaching out. If you come on too strong, that can feel overwhelming to the new friend. But if you hold back too much, then the friend might not realize you like them. Here are some ideas about how to find that just-right level of friendliness. And no, it doesn’t involve trying out their bed!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Dr. Friendtastic, my name is Adeline, and I'm 7 years old. How do I help a new classmate but don't be overwhelming?
Hi, Adeline. Thanks for sending in your question! Being the new kid in a classroom can be very stressful because there’s a lot to figure out: where to go, what to do, who to hang out with… I think it’s lovely that you want to help your new classmate!
It sounds like you’re eager to become friends with the new student, but you’re also worried about pushing her away by being overeager. Maybe you’ve had a bad experience in the past of someone telling you that you were coming on too strong, and you want to avoid repeating that.
Let’s talk first about some kind ways to reach out and help the new student. Smiling at her and greeting her could make her feel welcome. Sitting near her and explaining things when she seems confused or lending her supplies if she doesn’t have what she needs to do her work could help her feel less alone. Asking interested questions to get to know her and playing and having fun with her could help begin a friendship.
Now, what might feel overwhelming to this new classmate? Well, it might feel overwhelming if you talk nonstop so she doesn’t have a chance to talk or if you order her around instead of explaining what needs to happen and why. Being an octopus friend by holding her tightly and not letting her be with anyone else would definitely feel overwhelming.
So, how can you know if you’re in the just-right zone or the too-much zone? The answer is: she’ll tell you! She might tell you directly, in words, or you might need to pay attention to what she’s communicating through her actions, facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice.
For instance, let’s say you’re having a conversation with your new classmate. Does it seem like a game of catch, going back and forth, where you say something, then she says something, then you say something, then she says something? If she’s smiling, commenting, asking questions, if she’s turned toward you, looking at you, and listening with interest to what you say, you’re probably in the just-right zone.
But if she’s looking away, frowning and hunching her shoulders, and talking a lot less than you are or even not responding…oops! You might have slipped into the too-much zone! In that case, the conversation might be more like a one-sided snowball fight, with you doing all the throwing, rather than a game of catch.
If you’re seeing or hearing any “This isn’t fun for me” signals from her, that might be a sign you need to give her some space, stop doing whatever you’re doing, or try doing something different.
If you’re not sure whether she’s enjoying something you’re doing or finding it helpful, there’s an easy way to find out: ask her! For example, you could say, “Would you like me to help with that or would you rather do it yourself?” or maybe “Would you like to play soccer at recess or would you rather swing on the swings?” Asking what she wants shows you care about her feelings.
Your wish to be helpful to your new classmate is very kind, and it could be the start of a new friendship! Try to imagine things from her perspective and pay attention to the messages she’s sending you about whether she’s enjoying your company. Also pay attention to how you feel when you’re with her. These can help guide you in building your new relationship.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
View all episodes
Hi,
Have you ever been the new kid in a classroom? How did you manage to become more comfortable in the new setting? Who or what helped? How long did it take for you to make friends?
In this week’s podcast episode, Adeline wants to know how to help a news classmate, but she’s also concerned about coming on too strong and overwhelming the new student. I offer some practical ideas about how to find that “just-right” level of reaching out that can help build a friendship.
Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:Ep. 82: Expand friend group without hurting best friend (Paa, Age 12)
Ep. 72: Making friends in a new school (Nora, Age 8)
Ep. 70: Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Send in YOUR kid's question
Think About It Questions to discuss with your childFor a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is it sometimes hard to be the new kid in a class?
Why is it not a good idea to go to someone’s home and try all their beds? (Hint: How is that likely to make them feel?)
What are some clues that you might be coming on too strong and overwhelming a friend? (Hint: What might the friend say or do to let you know this?)
How is a conversation like a game of catch?
If you’re not sure how a friend is feeling about something, what’s the quickest way to find out? Why is this a kind thing to do?
Do you know the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Goldilocks breaks into the bears’ house and tries all their stuff...including their beds! Clearly someone needs to explain boundaries to Goldilocks because going to someone’s house and trying all their beds is definitely crossing some lines!
But anyway, Goldilocks thinks the Papa Bear’s bed is too hard, and the Mama Bear’s bed is too soft, but the Baby Bear’s bed is just right.
Making a new friend involves finding that just-right amount of reaching out. If you come on too strong, that can feel overwhelming to the new friend. But if you hold back too much, then the friend might not realize you like them. Here are some ideas about how to find that just-right level of friendliness. And no, it doesn’t involve trying out their bed!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Dr. Friendtastic, my name is Adeline, and I'm 7 years old. How do I help a new classmate but don't be overwhelming?
Hi, Adeline. Thanks for sending in your question! Being the new kid in a classroom can be very stressful because there’s a lot to figure out: where to go, what to do, who to hang out with… I think it’s lovely that you want to help your new classmate!
It sounds like you’re eager to become friends with the new student, but you’re also worried about pushing her away by being overeager. Maybe you’ve had a bad experience in the past of someone telling you that you were coming on too strong, and you want to avoid repeating that.
Let’s talk first about some kind ways to reach out and help the new student. Smiling at her and greeting her could make her feel welcome. Sitting near her and explaining things when she seems confused or lending her supplies if she doesn’t have what she needs to do her work could help her feel less alone. Asking interested questions to get to know her and playing and having fun with her could help begin a friendship.
Now, what might feel overwhelming to this new classmate? Well, it might feel overwhelming if you talk nonstop so she doesn’t have a chance to talk or if you order her around instead of explaining what needs to happen and why. Being an octopus friend by holding her tightly and not letting her be with anyone else would definitely feel overwhelming.
So, how can you know if you’re in the just-right zone or the too-much zone? The answer is: she’ll tell you! She might tell you directly, in words, or you might need to pay attention to what she’s communicating through her actions, facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice.
For instance, let’s say you’re having a conversation with your new classmate. Does it seem like a game of catch, going back and forth, where you say something, then she says something, then you say something, then she says something? If she’s smiling, commenting, asking questions, if she’s turned toward you, looking at you, and listening with interest to what you say, you’re probably in the just-right zone.
But if she’s looking away, frowning and hunching her shoulders, and talking a lot less than you are or even not responding…oops! You might have slipped into the too-much zone! In that case, the conversation might be more like a one-sided snowball fight, with you doing all the throwing, rather than a game of catch.
If you’re seeing or hearing any “This isn’t fun for me” signals from her, that might be a sign you need to give her some space, stop doing whatever you’re doing, or try doing something different.
If you’re not sure whether she’s enjoying something you’re doing or finding it helpful, there’s an easy way to find out: ask her! For example, you could say, “Would you like me to help with that or would you rather do it yourself?” or maybe “Would you like to play soccer at recess or would you rather swing on the swings?” Asking what she wants shows you care about her feelings.
Your wish to be helpful to your new classmate is very kind, and it could be the start of a new friendship! Try to imagine things from her perspective and pay attention to the messages she’s sending you about whether she’s enjoying your company. Also pay attention to how you feel when you’re with her. These can help guide you in building your new relationship.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Never miss a post! Subscribe NOW!
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.