Good Marriages Require Clear Boundaries

Do you know the saying good fences make good neighbors? Well, good boundaries make good marriages.  If couples are being true to themselves by setting clear boundaries, they will be better partners. We don't enjoy intimacy by giving ourselves away but by being ourselves more fully. You can surrender to love and intimacy while also maintaining a certain kind of boundary that keeps you connected to yourself. 

Healthy boundaries help people communicate more effectively and work together. It prevents misunderstandings. 

Let me be clear: Boundaries are not walls, and they can be fluid depending on the circumstances. Although in the presence of someone who is continuously crossing your boundaries, no matter how many times you set them or are emotionally or physically abusive, walls are necessary. You have a choice to protect yourself first and foremost.  

A boundary is a limit you can set on what you will accept of another person's words or actions. It is a way to honor and take care of yourself. You will only be happy with yourself to the extent you embrace your thoughts and feelings about things and communicate them with your unique and powerful voice. 

What it looks like to have no boundaries:

This is what people with no boundaries do, and I was one of the people for years, so I speak from first-hand experience. 

Because they don't have boundaries when they feel violated in some way, they lash out or retreat in silence.   

They take on all the feelings of those around them. Whatever the frame of mind or the emotions being presented, they automatically take them on.  Just ask yourself, do the moods of others change your mood? 

They allow other people to determine how they feel about themselves. If they are met with disapproval, they automatically take it personally and feel less than. If someone is unhappy or distant, they may think it is something they have done.  If someone doesn't show respect, they feel worthless. 

They apologize for things they have no control over. Let me give you an example of this. If I was late somewhere because of traffic, I use to apologize. I've even been standing by a shelf picking up things, and someone comes up behind me needing to get where I am, and I would apologize for being in the way. If I were even late getting dinner fixed, I'd apologize as if I had nothing to do but serve my family. Isn't that crazy?  I had nothing to be sorry for. You may think, well, that is good manners. I say that is self-deprecating.

People without boundaries can let others take advantage of them.  They don't say no; that doesn't work for me because they fear rejection or other consequences of upsetting the relationship's balance. These are usually people pleasers.

They also don't stand up for themselves but are victims of people and events. They feel overwhelmed and frustrated with others and themselves. They are usually emotionally and physically spent.  

For complete show notes to the Episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/26