In this episode, we’re talking about codependence. As humans, it is virtually impossible to escape without falling prey to this affliction. Many Recovery Stakeholders share that they feel like worrying about their loved one that's struggling with addiction is a full-time job. It can be challenging to break out of that web of confusion. You need to find a new job . . . one that prioritizes taking care of yourself. There are ways to keep codependence from consuming you. Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:10 Recently, Carrie Fisher, the Star Wars sweetheart suffered a heart attack on an airplane and died a few days later. 03:24 Aware Appreciation. 05:38 Many Recovery Stakeholders share that they feel like worrying about their loved one that's struggling with addiction is a full time job. 08:39 A lot of people who have a compulsive personality do find that they are all or nothing. They are 100% in it or 100% out of it. 11:25 This image includes stop behaviors, warning sign behaviors that indicate you are treading on thin ice and, healthy behaviors. 11:54 Codependence is so seductive. We are tricked into believing that we will be loved and appreciated commensurate with how codependent we are. 16:45 I had kicked him out before because of all the lying and stealing. Am I stupid for giving him a second chance?

0004: How to Stop Codependency and Avoid Enabling Your Addicted Loved One

If you've got a close family member or friend that is struggling with addiction, you're undoubtedly affected by the chaos and collateral damage that addiction leaves in its wake. You've got a lot at stake! That makes you a Recovery Stakeholder. 

And, you wouldn't be the first person living with an addict to say "I hate addiction." Well, hate is a power-packed word. Rather, you can channel that energy into something that will make a positive difference. 

Here, Recovery Stakeholders are becoming ReLOVutionaries...loving the addict and outsmarting the addiction.

Health &amp; Fitness

The stakeholder relationship is really important. Once you understand what it is, you will see it at work in many situations. As a recovery stakeholder, you have a stake in your loved ones’ recovery. You have a stake in seeing recovery stick. So, we coined the term recovery stakeholder. It seemed appropriate and most people that we have talked to that are in this boat agree. The important thing to recognize is that it is a slippery slope for a stakeholder to become codependent with the person that they are in relationship with.        Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:36   She talks about how she can see now that she enabled him as he was growing up . . . just trying to be a good mom that wanted life to be a little easier for her son.   02:13   Aware Appreciation.  04:28   Are you still scratching your head a bit? Wondering, what a recovery stakeholder is? And, even if you are one? Let’s start with defining recovery stakeholders.   09:34   Make sure that you are not enabling the addict and prolonging the inevitable.  10:54   Whatever your relationship is with that person, at a certain point, they have to take responsibility for the issue.   15:38   Sometimes, the only thing we can do is to just confront the craziness that we are in the middle of and say, “That is the addiction talking.”   16:45   I am feeling torn. I hadn't heard from my son in over a week. He texted me yesterday and, once again, blamed my husband and I for what's going on in his life.

0001: Codependence and Addiction – How to Stop Codependency

RecoverYES.com/Episodes It is helpful to understand the stages of change so that you can recognize them … for yourself and others. Trying to make a change when you haven’t moved to the appropriate stage will do nothing more than increase resistance. At a minimum, that will make the change process way more difficult. As Recovery Stakeholders, there are changes that everyone in the family system needs to make … that will make living with an addict (in recovery or not) much easier. In this episode, listeners will:  Learn to ease the struggle that accompanies change Understand what is required to change any habit … and make it stick Discover the warning signs that flash before a relapse happens  Time Stamped Show Notes: 02:13 I found this article at Psychcentral and I thought it was really interesting. I had not heard of this particular stage of change referred to in this way previously. 04:57 Aware Appreciation. 07:12 What happens when someone breaks through denial? They move into the next stage of change. It is helpful to understand the stages so that you can recognize them. 07:51 I want to open this episode by going through the Stages of Change with you so that you really understand what we’re working with here. 13:21 You want to focus a great deal of energy on the Determination, Planning and Preparation Stage. Create a good blueprint that addresses all the things … 19:16 It’s safe to say that any habit we’re engaging in is providing some relief. Of course, some habits are healthy and aren’t accompanied by unwanted side effects. 19:58 I see so many stories about multiple trips to rehab … up to 15 times. My 24 year old daughter is in rehab for the first time.

0015: Making a Change - How Bad Habits and Addictions are Stopped

RecoverYES.com/Episodes When you experience an emotional upset – when you’re triggered emotionally, how do you typically react? Do you fight back or withdraw? In this moment, the brain takes action that makes it challenging to think rationally. There are reasons why this happens but, in most cases, it is an overreaction that results in more harm than good. We need to learn to recognize when it’s happening and take it off auto-pilot. In this episode, listeners will:  Recognize when they’re overreacting emotionally Learn what to do when feeling triggered and reacting emotionally Communicate without escalating an emotional situation  Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:48 This article was on the Huffington Post. It was titled, “9 Signs You Are Dealing with an Emotional Manipulator.” 06:37 Aware Appreciation. 08:53 When you experience an emotional upset – when you’re triggered emotionally, how do you typically react? Do you fight back or withdraw? 09:22 As we explore this topic today of being emotionally triggered and being in emotional pain, we need to learn to recognize how we respond when this triggering process happens. 16:17 In order to have long-term sustainable healing from this cycle of reacting in a way that’s not really serving you is to allow a period of emotional thawing. 18:48 If you typically react like a turtle, you may find the storms in your life unsettling. In fact, they may be downright frightening. 19:50 My son showed up this morning knocking on my bedroom window wanting to come in and warm up. He has been homeless for several days now since his girlfriend threw him out again.

0018: Dealing with Emotional Pain for a Healthier, Happier You

RecoverYES.com/Episodes When you have an experience that is unpleasant, do you find yourself looking for something or someone to blame for it? And, if your focus lands on someone, do you feel compelled to let them know they have caused you pain? Lastly, when you do communicate your feelings, do you use shaming language? If you’re like most humans, your answers to these questions might stir some emotions. Even a “yes” might be met with thoughts of how your actions are justified. Blaming and shaming is a game that no one wins. There is another way. In this episode, listeners will:  Learn how people experience shame Differentiate between guilt and shame Gain insight into the emotions recovery stakeholders will experience  Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:56 This article that I’m going to talk about is from a website called Crosswalk. The title is, “Should you feel shame for missing church?” 04:37 Aware Appreciation. 06:52 When you have an experience that is unpleasant, do you find yourself looking for something or someone to blame for it? And, if your focus lands on someone, do you feel compelled to let them know they have caused you pain? 07:30 As we explore this Blame Shame Game, it’s important to acknowledge that Recovery Stakeholders dealing with an addict are regularly put under an enormous amount of pressure. 14:04 You may be wondering at this point why we would choose to communicate like this when it is so destructive. When we’re dealing with an addict, and shaming them, it’s literally like we’re pouring gasoline on the fire that is addiction. 15:46 Unless you’re living under a rock, you are going to interact with other humans. And, that will naturally lead to conflict at times. There’s no better teacher than experience. 16:39 My children are adopted. We could not have children and to say we were thrilled when these twin boys came into our lives is an understatement. We couldn't wait to be parents.

0017: What Families of Addicts Need to Know About Guilt and Shame in Addiction Recovery

RecoverYES.com/Episodes Why doesn’t change stick? It defies logic that an addict would muscle their way to sobriety only to fall back into addiction’s trap. Yet it happens over and over. As Recovery Stakeholders, we have a lot at stake. We can relate on some level. We managed to make some change we really wanted to make. And before we even finished celebrating, we found ourselves right back where we started … maybe even worse off. It’s important to understand what causes relapse. Once we understand why it happens, we can get out in front of it to prevent it. In this episode, listeners will:  Understand what causes relapse and how to avoid it Differentiate between relapse and a “slip” Learn the warning signs for a relapse and what the stakeholder’s role is in recovery  Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:48 This article that I came across was in The Lasallian and it talks about this program that is focused on training families and helping professionals so that they better understand addiction 05:27 Aware Appreciation. 07:44 Why doesn’t change stick? It defies logic that an addict would muscle their way to sobriety, only to fall back into addiction’s trap. 08:20 I want to start by differentiating between a slip and a relapse. It’s important that we differentiate between these two terms because we’re going to treat a slip much differently than a full-blown relapse. 17:04 Our ReachYES Program at RecoverYES.com … we provide coaching and help point you in the right direction to get the additional help you need to deal with the issues that you are working with. 17:40 We use a phrase often at RecoverYES.com. “Muscling your way to sobriety.” You may have even heard me use this phrase today in this episode. 18:26 My son went to prison for three years for manufacturing meth. He’s been home for several months and I'm starting to worry. He is doing everything correct.

0004: How to Stop Codependency and Avoid Enabling Your Addicted Loved One

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