We’ll start today with a quote from Tara Brach and her book, Radical Acceptance.

Brach writes:

It is believed that in the midst of a bullfight, a bull can find his own area of safety in the arena. There he can reclaim his strength and power. This place and inner state are called his querencia.

As long as the bull remains enraged and reactive, the matador is in charge. Yet when the bull finds querencia, he gathers his strength and loses his fear.

From the matador’s perspective, at this point, the bull is truly dangerous, for he has tapped into his power.[1]

In today’s podcast, we’re going to talk about how to stop reacting in ways that don’t serve us and find our own querencia through a practice of micro-pauses.

Now, granted, when it feels like every minute counts and we have no time to spare, it can be really hard to stop and find our power. Dominant culture insists that we produce constantly and our schedules overflow with obligations to community, work, children, parents, friends, and everyone else, so it’s hard not to feel like a bull in a ring with life coming at us sometimes. The notion of integrating pauses into our days might sound like something only New Age self-help gurus have time for.

But when we don’t pause to assess what’s really needed, our habitual reactions can bring us down paths we later regret.

To step outside of overwhelm, discern what we really need, and consciously respond in ways that serve us and the people we care about, we must pause.

The pause is the moment of choice.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes:

Between the stimulus and the response is a space, and in that space lies our power and our freedom.[2]

The pause is the space between the stimulus and our response. The pause is the place where we choose our next step.

Now, I’m not talking about going on a retreat or meditating for hours. I’m talking about the briefest of pauses. Even a few seconds can make a huge difference.

One reason why pausing can be so powerful is that when we pause, we interrupt our activation cascades. Activation cascades are sequences of physiological reactions—sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors—which unfold as if on autopilot in response to cues that our nervous systems detect as threats or opportunities to meet our needs.

For example, let’s say that you receive an email from a colleague sending critical feedback.

Here’s what your activation cascade might look like in reaction to the email:

You detect the cue, often below your conscious awareness. In this case, the cue is the email.

You feel sensations in your body. When you read the email, you might feel tension, constriction, clenching, heat, restlessness, agitation, irritation, or other uncomfortable sensations.

You might also feel an urge to reply immediately or slam your computer closed or text a friend. Habits often feel like urges to dissipate built-up energy, like feeling compelled to do something or having an itch that wants scratching.

You feel emotions. Perhaps reading the email brings up emotions like anxiety, nervousness, overwhelm, frustration, confusion, dismay, embarrassment, or guilt.

You think thoughts. Maybe you think: “Everyone judges me.” “What if something terrible happens?” “My colleague is such a jerk.” “I can’t believe I did that.” “What do I do now?”

You react with a habitual behavior. Maybe you fight—you send a litany of complaints back to your colleague without first thinking through a more strategic response. Maybe you flee—you ignore the email and pretend like you never received it. Maybe you freeze—you feel like a deer in headlights or like the wheels in your head stop turning. Or perhaps you fawn and immediately apologize to your colleague without first reflecting on how much of their critique is actually your responsibility.

When we’re unaware that we’re experiencing an activation cascade, we’re likely to react with habitual behaviors that do...