Hi there,

Kids–and adults–are quick to judge others. The eyes point outward, so it’s easy to see what someone else does wrong. And sometimes, we have a tendency to collect our memories of grievances like beads on a string, which hurts us more than anyone else.

In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Julian wants to know how he can tell if a friend is loyal. It’s not so easy to fit people into loyal vs. disloyal boxes. I talk about what it means to be loyal and the best thing he can do to have loyal friends.

Let me know what you think!

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber to Dr. Friendtastic for Parents! You’ll get a monthly coupon for $20 off the featured webinar as well as extra posts plus the full archive. Your support also helps keep the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast free for everyone!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

P.P.S. Has the drama started yet among your child’s friends? Check out this month’s featured online workshop for parents: Kid Conflicts: How Parents Can Help.

You might also like these podcast episodes:

Ep. 79: Is your friend a fake friend? (Mar, age 11)

Ep. 59: Get rid of toxic friends (Jessie, Age 13)

Ep. 62: All About Forgiveness

Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?

Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Send in your child’s question!!!

2. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)

Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!

Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

Send in YOUR kid's question

Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Dr. Friendtastic says believing “My friend has to show they’re on my side by hating everyone I hate” is a terrible definition of loyalty. Why is that?

• How do you (or would you like to) show loyalty to your friends?

• Why does trust between friends usually build gradually? What helps it grow? (Hint: What helps you know you can trust a friend?)

• If a friend chooses to work with someone else on a school project or plays with someone else at recess, does that mean they are not a loyal friend? Why or why not?

• Do you think of yourself as big or little? Why?

Transcript

Are you big or are you little?

If we measure you, we can get a number to describe your height, but that doesn’t really answer the question. Whether you’re big or little depends on the context. You’re bigger than a toddler, but probably smaller than an adult, and much smaller than a mountain.

Are you kind or are you mean?

I’m sure that you try to be kind, and most of the time you are, but I’m also sure that at some point, you’ve been less-than-kind to someone. Maybe you didn’t mean to, or didn’t realize it would bother them. Maybe you were feeling super mad because of something they did, but somehow, you ended up doing or saying something that hurt or upset someone. You’re human, and we all make mistakes.

People are complicated! It’s not easy to fit them in a box by assigning them a label. Listen to learn more.

(Music & Intro)

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.

If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.

Here’s today’s question:

Hello, my name is Julian. I'm 12 years old, and my question about friendship is: how can you determine if a friend is loyal?

Hi, Julian! Thanks for sending in your question!

Let’s start by talking about what does it mean to be a loyal friend? A loyal friend is someone you can count on. They care about you and want the best for you. They’ll comfort you when you’re feeling down and celebrate with you when you do well. They’re honest. They’ll keep your secrets and show kindness toward you even when you’re not around. You can trust them.

So, how can you tell if a friend is loyal? That’s tricky!

It’s not a good idea to “test” your friend by putting them in a difficult situation to see if they mess up. That’s entrapment, which means tricking someone into making a mistake.

It’s also important not to be constantly on the lookout for friends’ mistakes. Psychologists talk about “confirmation bias,” which means once we have an idea about someone, we tend to notice things that fit that idea and overlook things that don’t. If you think your friend is disloyal, you will find examples of that, and you may overlook or discount all the times they were loyal.

Sometimes kids think loyalty means, “My friend has to show they’re on my side by hating everyone I hate, cutting off their friendship with anyone I’m mad at, and being mean to anyone I dislike.” Ugh! That is a terrible definition of loyalty! It spreads meanness, and it doesn’t respect your friend’s right to choose their own friends.

But what if your friend does something that really is disloyal, like not showing up when they said they would, or blabbing your secrets, or choosing to partner with someone else on a school project? Does that mean the friendship is over? Not necessarily.

Friendship rough spots are normal and unavoidable. Instead of seeing them as disloyalty, think of them as opportunities for you and your friend to communicate and understand each other better. Ask for what you want, and also be sure to listen to what your friend thinks and feels. This can strengthen your friendship.

Trust between friends is something that builds gradually over time, and it has to go two ways. Maybe you share a bit about yourself, then they share a bit about themselves, and both of you see how the other responds. If that goes well, you might each share a bit more.

The best way to have loyal friends is to be a loyal friend! Think about how you can show up for your friends, so you earn their loyalty.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.