How We Get By

What makes a great leader and why have we all suffered so long under the myopic, cis white male patriarchy that dominates the American workplace?  This week I share some thoughts from the HWGB community, and talk a bit about what I think makes for great leadership, and what, well, doesn't.  Let's dive in!

This episode is near and dear my procrastinatin' heart! As creative humans it's easy to get hard on ourselves when we aren't coming up with our most creative xyz each time we sit down to work.  Sometimes though it's more important to take that walk, watch tv, go on a hike, call a friend....whatever it is that will distract you.  The idea is that your mind is hard at work in the background creating connections and insightful, novel, innovative ideas.  Adam Grant's research also comes up in this episode--spoiler alert, he's a proponent for procrastination!  Hell yah. Let's get busy NOT doing the thing we're supposed to be doing!

I spend this episode exploring ideas around the self conscious emotion of embarassment and how that manifests physically for a lot of us as "cringe".  I pull some examples from a quick community poll, and also use Brene Brown's research on emotional vocabulary to create context for some of the examples. yikes. Let's do this!  Also- check out the PDF  if you want to be EXTRA prepared. 

Hey everyone!

Labor Day is here already and I honestly can’t believe how quickly time has been flying lately. I hope you all have had a brilliant summer so far. 

I took a break! hahah I know I know, what a novel idea. I didn't even announce it!  WHO DOES THAT?!?

Turns out it's hard recording a podcast in your studio in the middle of a Los Angeles summer when the only way to cool down is to run the window AC unit. The 20 year old WINDOW AC UNIT---you know, the one that sounds like a Diesel engine barreling down the freeway? 

The bonus though was that the time away helped me look back with some pride around what I produced - it helped me get honest about the parts that were starting feel heavy, and it allowed me the space to just get clear.   I realized that some of my intention for starting this podcast was to speak my story out loud, to reinforce it to myself, and to move forward in my life within the context of that story.  In season 1, I was still nervous about letting myself be the focus and sharing some true, honest parts of myself.  I want to allow for some space here.

In this episode I talk it through - from the uncertainty of “what will this podcast be/how will it come out” to some parts of my life that I don’t talk about often. I get into what I've been up to professionally, why Chani Nicholas has become a source of inspiration for me, why Brene Brown’s approach to leadership is informing my way forward in a new role, and why reading A Course In Miracles has been an important way for me to reframe my religious upbringing. 

Thank you all for you support, patience, and interest. The thing I've realized the most though, is I am infinitely grateful for the community of listeners, the connections and comments I've gotten from listeners, and the clarity that comes from sharing hard truths.  

This week I’m speaking with friend, songwriter/producer and performer Sam Barbera from the band Beginners.

This one is for all you music lovers out there, and for anyone aspiring to make a career with music. There are some hot tips embedded in her story - from how she runs her music career as a business to the best ways to create longevity and sustainability in a tough industry. For anyone wanting a birds eye view of what kind of timeline and tenacity it takes to get these kinds of projects off the ground, this podcast will feel like a masterclass.

Beginners Website 

LA Exes Temporary Goodbye Music Video 

Who Knows Music Video 

Raya and The Last Dragon Teaser Trailer (Start a Riot) 

This week I’m joined by Casper - founder of the queer music podcast Homoground, and the virtual co-working space Focus/Time. They’re also a new-ish employee at AIR media (Association of Independent Artists in Radio). I discovered Casper on Instagram through a sponsored ad they placed promoting homoground, and learning about a podcast dedicated explicitly to queer musicians made my heart happy. We discuss what it takes to fundraise for a creative project, the idea of kicking perfectionism out the door as soon as possible to get your project started and build some momentum, some of the best ways to sustain a project over time, and we also learn a bit about Casper’s more recent choice to align their neutral pronouns with their identity as non-binary. I’m particularly excited to have this chat merging my lifelong passion of music with a more recent passion of podcasting. I hope you get as much out of this episode as I did!

What stood out to me most after speaking with casper was their ability to always look for the opportunity in the set back. Living a meaningful life takes courage to stand by your values, to put the work in to see your vision through, and to be willing to honor the creative voice inside you that sometimes is hard to hear. Sometimes its a simple as just showing up again and again asking the question “how can I be of service to my creative voice today”. When it’s hard to hear that voice maybe it’s knowing when to step away, create some stillness, and attune yourself to what’s happening internally. Casper found themself drawn to music at an early age, and over the years has built a life to support that passion. What a privilege it is to wake up and ask the creator inside “how can I be of service to you today” — I hope that’s how I can start all my days - co-creating a life I am inspired to live.

Homoground podcast 

Airmedia New Voices Fellowship 

Focus/Time Instagram 

I remember bartending at a place called ZED451 in Chicago and talking with different ambassadors when they came to visit the bar— it always seemed like such a great job but was typically either a really gorgeous woman or straight guy that fit the stereotype of a 'rugged' whisky/tequila drinker. Anyway, as a a gay man it felt like there was a barrier to entry. I was out as a gay man, but still somehow apologetic.  I was so excited to find that once I really embraced and integrated my full identity with my professional life that so many more doors opened up for me. Although our journey's have been different, there are a lot of similar experiences between this week's guest and I.

This week I spoke with my friend Cory James. Cory currently works as a brand ambassador in the world of spirits. When it comes to mental health, we often hear how “people pleasing” is antithetical to self advocacy. Often people pleasing stems from not getting one’s needs met earlier in life, and having to constantly adapt and adjust one's behavior to the needs of those around you.  But if we look at hospitality as a form of people pleasing, we see that with proper boundaries in place, there is a real gift and skill to anticipating the needs of another, to remaining hyper vigilant to their comfort and overall experience. Without proper boundaries however, this can spiral to constantly hustling for your worth and never prioritizing your own needs. It goes back to the whole airplane advice to put on your oxygen mask before trying to help those around you.

In this episode we discuss addiction, drug use, and homophobia. If you or someone you know is struggling with any of these issues, please visit these links to Narcotics Anonymous and The Trevor Project hotline.

If you are thinking about suicide or are feeling alone and need someone to talk to, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 for immediate help. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7.

HRC Corporate Equality Index 

In part 2 Melanie McGraw and I discuss her beverage company MONK Drinking Botanicals* and how it has helped reinforce her identity and self-confidence, her realization that it’s time to nurture her creativity,  and she explains the steps she’s taking to create boundaries and protect her sacred time.  She discusses focusing only on the next right thing, and finally this very important point about the vocational choices we have to make in life.  She says  “no matter what -it’s all going to be hard, so at some point you have to choose where you want your hard to be.” 

That really sticks with me as I think about my next moves.

*In full disclosure, I am an investor, and recipe development consultant to her brand MONK Drinking Botanicals

Pit Stop Short Film
MONK Drinking Botanicals

There is a kind of power in storytelling.  In taking control of the narrative, in writing the characters, in defining the terms.  We hear about the powerful storytellers,  airbrushed beyond a flaw, lifted as a shining example of what to emulate to be successful.  But were they always so skilled, so creative, so untouchable?  The power isn't in the perfect.  The power is is in the owning.  Sometimes though, it takes time for us to unlearn ways of denying our needs, and learn to tap into our inner voice, and clear space for that voice to emerge.  Yes, that process...that PROCESS is the real story, and it's ongoing.  So there is a kind of power in digging deep, in capturing the unspoken inside us and bringing that to the surface for examination.

This week, we get to bare witness to some serious excavation and growth from an incredibly tuned-in and talented woman, Melanie McGraw. Growing up Mormon in a family of 10, she became a caretaker at an early age and married young. Without much time to herself, it became second nature for her to set aside her needs for the good of those around her.  Her mom lovingly called her "my right hand man" because of her incredible sense of responsibility. Later in life,  unlocking her authenticity came at the price of her church, marriage, and a redefined family life.  I was so heartened by this conversation and can't wait for you to listen.  

Pit Stop by Melanie McGraw
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

Bonus episode! I sit with Ellen Etten each week to recap the most recent podcast episode.  These recap & debrief episodes live on Patreon and we use the episode as a jumping off point for our discussion and usually end up talking about....whatever we want. In this bonus episode Ellen and I get into so many topics but in terms of the important bits.. how we're consistently so impressed by our partners (Alex and Saif are you listening? ), and how the new Super Target in LA would be a great place to rollerblade.  For more PHONE A FRIEND, join us on Patreon!