Enriched Life Home Care Services
Today we are talking about something many of our listeners, viewers, and especially those with parents that have cognitive issues, like Alzheimer’s and dementia, experience, and that is parenting the parent. First, we’ll talk a little bit about what we mean by parenting the parent. Next, we’ll talk about the role of an adult child in the caregiving role and help you prepare for this new role reversal in your life. Then, we’ll move on to ways you can effectively parent your loved one when they are unable to care for themselves alone. Finally, we’ll look at some of things adult children should and shouldn’t be doing while caring for a parent. When we are young, most of us see our parents as strong, constant figures. As a child, I know I never thought of my own parents getting older, and I definitely never thought I would be in the position where I would have to take care of and be in charge of my parents. But our parents are not the stuff of legends, they don’t live forever, although we wish they may. Old age and sickness will prevail in the end and the child will become the parent. Parenting a parent is scary. Seeing our parents decline is not something any of us wants to witness, but it is what most of us will come to know at some point in our lifetime. Parenting a parent is tough, yes, but it is also rewarding and allows you to spend precious time with your loved one. You will be shocked to know how much about your loved ones you don’t know until you undertake this new position of parent. Caring for your loved one at the end of their life creates a bond that is unlike any other. The child-parent bond is strengthened when child becomes the parent, as both sides get to walk in the other’s shoes. Many people find that they have more compassion, patience, and a desire for service after caring for a loved one. We may find ourselves in the position of parenting our parents during their old age, when they are unable to go about their daily lives on their own. Alzheimer’s, dementia, and sudden illnesses, like cancer, can also cause us to have to care for our loved ones, even if just for a short while. No matter what reason we find ourselves parenting a parent, the end result is the same. Our parents, the ones we once thought invincible, need us. They need our help to do things they may not have thought they would ever need help doing, like grocery shopping or cleaning the house. Parenting a parent isn’t easy for us, or for our loved ones. When your loved one gets to the place in their life where they find that they are needing constant help to do things they once thought was easy, it may be hard for them to come to terms with. With the aging population growing, approximately 10,000 people turn 65 every day, the likelihood that your loved one will need support is higher than what it would have been a few years ago. According to a study on Financing end-of-life care in the United States, three-quarters of people who live to age 65 will develop cancer, heart disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, or dementia or will have a stroke in their last year of life. At the end of their life, your loved one needs all the support, love, and care that you can give them. It is a scary time for your loved one, as well. Parenting your loved one lets them know that someone is there with them and will be there continuously throughout this strange new time, no matter how long it may last. Parenting a parent allows us to return the favor and show our aging parents how much their love and support has really meant to us throughout our entire lives. Now that you know a little bit about what parenting a parent is and why it is so important, let’s move on to your role as the adult child caregiver and how you can prepare yourself for this new role reversal. Many adult children find themselves in the position of caregiver for their aging parents and if you are listening or watching this episode, you have probably come to find yourself in this position or will be in this position soon enough. It is our hope that this episode, as well as the rest of our discussions and episodes, can help you and your loved one navigate this journey you both are on. As a caregiver for your parent or loved one, you will find yourself in charge of many things other than just your loved one’s care. You will need to know your loved one’s medical information and history, information about their financial situation, who to contact to relay information to family and friends, their legal information, including their will and any wishes they have for after they are gone. The list goes on and on. Many times, family caregivers feel overwhelmed when the time comes to provide care for their loved ones, and that is because they were not prepared. Preparing to care for your parents ahead of time can ease the transition of the care process and reduce everyone’s stress and raise your level of comfort. Talking to your parents about what to do when they are unable to take care of themselves can be uncomfortable not only for you but also them, but it is an important conversation to have, although it will likely be more than one conversation. When talking about caregiving, make sure to include siblings and other important relatives, even if they are not in the area. Together, you can all come up with a care plan, whether it be one person providing continuous, around the clock care, or taking turns providing care for your parents. Who provides the care will likely be determined by where your loved ones will be living out the remainder of their days and how much care they will require. Making these plans in advance allows everyone to have a say, or at least be heard. When the time comes that your loved ones need help with day-to-day living activities, they can be reassured by the knowledge that they already have a plan in place and know what will happen next. Having a plan before the time comes is helpful, but it is also important to revisit and reevaluate the plan occasionally. Things can change. Your sibling that was going to move in with your parents may have moved across the country for a job and can no longer provide the care they had planned for. Or your loved ones may need more care than you initially thought and are unable to stay by themselves. You should also reevaluate the care plan when it is in place. While caring for your loved ones, you may find that your plan no longer covers all of their needs, and that’s okay. When you already have a plan, it is easy to adapt it to fit your current needs. Adapting a plan is much easier than creating an entire plan from scratch while also providing care. As your parents’ caregiver, you will often find yourself making decisions. The most important decision you will have to make, though, is when to let your parents decide. Making all the decisions for your loved ones will end up making them feel inadequate and less like themselves. As a caregiver, you want to make sure you are allowing your loved ones to decide as much as they can, allowing them to maintain their independence for as long as possible. Your goal is to make sure that they are safe and healthy, your goal is not to control them. Making sure they are able to make decisions for themselves, even if it is just what they are eating for lunch or what shoes they are wearing for the day, gives them control over their circumstances when they don’t have control over much else. In a How Stuff Works article, Jennifer Sellers writes that because people are starting families later, and older adults are living longer, many folks are taking care of their older parents while also raising children of their own. People in this group are known as the sandwich generation. An AARP report found that 44 percent of 45- to 55-year-olds had both at least one living parent and one child under the age of 21. If you are also a part of the sandwich generation, you will most likely find yourself parenting your parent, as well as your own children. When taking care of two generations, you have to make sacrifices and decisions that you deem best. There will come a time when you have to decide between your child and your parent, and that is a tough decision to make. When making these decisions, make sure both parties are aware of any conflicts that arise. If your daughter has a soccer game at the same time as your parent’s doctor’s appointment, make sure they both know about the other’s occurring conflict. Hopefully, your children and parents will make the decision easy on you and no feeling will be hurt, but that might not always be the case. Scheduling time alone, and together, ahead of time can help ensure everyone is getting the care and attention they need. A family calendar can be a good visual tool for everyone to use. It is also important to schedule time for yourself, especially when caring for two generations. Caring for just a parent or a child is already a lot but adding in the other generation puts even more stress on you, so it is important that you plan time ahead for yourself. Planning ahead also makes it more likely that you will actually get this time to yourself, as everyone in the household will be aware in advance that you will be unavailable, unless of course for an emergency. Now that we’ve talked some about your role as the adult child caregiver and how you can prepare for it, we’re going to take a look at some of the ways you can actually parent a parent. Just like how your parenting style changes as your children age, the way you provide care for an aging loved one will change over time and will be dependent on your loved one’s physical and mental capabilities. You may gradually have to provide more and more care as your parents age and need more help. You may also suddenly find yourself providing care full-time. Each caregiving situation is unique, and your situation may be similar to someone else’s, but it won’t be the same. Sellers has a few suggestions that can help you successfully provide care for your loved one and allow them to maintain their independence and dignity. First, participate in open communication with your parent and any other parties involved, such as your siblings or your parent's health care providers. You should also promote independence in the parent, whenever possible, even if there are limitations. You can reach out to support systems, such as family members and volunteer groups, when you need help. Observe your parent's routines and habits and be aware of any changes that happen. You should also familiarize yourself with your parent's financial and insurance details since as their caregiver, you will most likely be the one dealing with their finances. Lastly, educate yourself on eldercare issues. Knowing about issues that may affect your loved one can save you a lot of time and stress and can potentially save your loved one’s life. When parenting a parent, it’s important that they continue pursuing their interests, as long as it won’t be detrimental to their health. If your parent likes gardening, you can help them garden outside. If they are unable to get on the ground, you could get them raised garden beds. If they are wheelchair or bed-bound and unable to easily get outside, you can bring the garden to them with a small, movable, indoor herb and flower garden. Our example is gardening, but you can help them to pursue any interests they may have. If you are unsure how to help them pursue their interests safely, you can start by getting them a book on the subject their interested in. Participating in things they are interested in helps keep their brain stimulated and helps fight off depression. Another way you can parent your parent is by allowing them to participate and do things on their own. Making sure they still have the opportunity to feel needed and a part of the family, and not just someone you are taking care of, will help them retain some feelings of normalcy. Let them give you advice and feel helpful. They can help you pick out gifts for other family members or help you write thank you cards. Letting them do things on their own means just that. Let them dress themselves, cook for themselves, and eat by themselves, even if it is time consuming and messy at times. You can invest in items that can help them do these tasks, like a long-handled shoehorn to put on their own shoes. Or precut veggies so they can cook dinner without having to chop things with a knife. Allowing them to do the things they are able to do, no matter how slowly, helps them maintain their independence. Just think how you would feel if someone was constantly doing simple tasks for you and wouldn’t let you even button your shirt by yourself. You would be frustrated. That’s how your loved one feels when you do these tasks for them. Similar to how you have to babyproof your home before a new baby arrives, you will want to make sure your loved one’s living space is safe and accessible to them, whether it be your own home, theirs, or an assisted living facility. Installing brighter lights can help your loved one see better, as it can be harder for them to see in dim light as they get older. Rugs can be a fall hazard, so make sure you remove those, too. You will also want to make sure the entrances and exits of their home are safe for them to use. This could mean installing new handrails, fixing steps, and making sure outdoor lights are in working order. Another important aspect of parenting is ensuring your loved one’s health. Going with your parents to their doctor appointments allows you to ask any questions you or your loved one has, and you can make sure to keep a record of their medical history and information when you are there in person. When you go with your loved one, you can also get first-hand information of what medications they are taking and what the side-effects are. As the caregiver, you are the one that will notice patterns in your loved one when they may not. You may notice a medical issue before they do and going to their doctor with them ensures that you have the chance to inform their doctor of any potential problems your loved one may have. When parenting a parent, it is also important to remember that they are your parent, and they have a lot of life experience that you shouldn’t negate just because they need your help now. Treating your loved one as such will help the transition from total independence to whatever level of care they are receiving now. If you are interested in learning more about how to provide care and what types of care are available for your loved one, visit our YouTube channel and checkout our Resources and Services playlist. Now that you are familiar with some of the ways you effectively parent your parent, we’re going to move on to our final section for this episode, which is what you should and shouldn’t do while caring for your parent. When it comes to what you should and shouldn’t do while parenting a parent, most things are dependent on the situation. And since every caregiving situation is different, you will have to decide for yourself what you should and shouldn’t do while parenting your parent. That being said, we’ve gathered a few things we think you should and shouldn’t do while parenting a parent. First, you shouldn’t dismiss what your loved one has to say, even if you don’t think it is important. Sellers suggests that you should respect your parent's experience and knowledge. When you become like a parent to your own parent, it's easy to infantilize him or her. Remember that your mom or dad's failing health doesn't negate his or her lifetime of know-how. You should also abide by your commitments. It's not healthy for you to be at anyone's beck and call, but when it comes to your parents, be sure to honor your promises and let them know what can be expected from you, and when it can be expected. If you continuously break your commitments to your loved one, they will feel unwanted, unneeded, and unloved and even could start to feel as a burden to you. Your intentions are not to hurt their feelings or make them feel this way, but when you don’t prioritize them, that is what you are doing. The same goes for yourself. You should prioritize yourself and make and keep commitments to yourself. Just like how you have to put your own oxygen mask on first on a plane, you have to make sure your mental state is sufficient to take care of another person, and if it isn’t, you need to commit to taking a break and recharging so that you can come back and continue to provide care. For more information on how to prioritize and take care of yourself, check out our episode on Caring for the Caregiver. Another thing you should do is visit often. If your loved one doesn’t live with you, loneliness can creep in and affect their physical and emotional state. You should also encourage your siblings, friends, and friends of your parents to visit, as well. You shouldn’t convince others to visit or force them to when they are not wanting to. Your loved one will most likely notice when someone doesn’t want to be there, and they won’t enjoy the visit. It will also make them feel like they are more of a chore for people, instead of an individual people are excited to visit with. Lastly, you should know where your parent stands financially and legally. It's important to know details of your parent's accounts, such as whether or not they have long-term care insurance, which lawyer holds a copy of their will and whether or not their monthly bills are being paid on time. You shouldn’t hold their finances for them and make all their financial decisions for them, unless your specific situation calls for it. If your loved one has dementia or Alzheimer’s, you may be put in charge of their finances, but you should still try to let them have as much control as they can, as long as they can. Hopefully you have learned a bit about parenting the parent today. We hope this episode has given you some idea of the role of the adult child caregiver and given you ways to prepare for the time when you are caring for your parent, as well as give you some idea of what you should and shouldn’t do while caring for a parent. We want to say thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate these long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them. Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Join us next time on All Home Care Matters where we will be discussing a topic that can be difficult for families with younger children, and that is What’s Wrong with Grandpa? This topic will discuss ways for families to help children understand when a grandparent has dementia. Sources: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jeffbevis/2018/10/24/parenting-your-parents/?sh=35a664b570a9 https://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/aging/elder-care/child-becomes-parent.htm https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2006/09/art1full.pdf https://www.interimhealthcare.com/blog/july-2019/dealing-with-role-reversal-from-child-to-parent-ca/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1282187/
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