On my 42nd birthday, I finally hit record. As the title suggests, I don't know what I'm doing—but three years ago, I hit a point where I had this dark thought: "I would love it if a car would just take me out." Not suicidal—just exhausted. Working 60-hour weeks doing DoorDash, waking up at 3am sweating about rent, racing every day to get out of the red. I was crying on deliveries, pounding my steering wheel.

That lowest point cracked me open. Now I'm working the same brutal hours, but I have space inside. Joy. The peace that surpasses understanding. This episode is my origin story—and the moment everything clicked.

I was literally crying out "God, what do you want me to do?" while driving to deliver alcohol. I dropped it off, got the signature, drove away. The customer texted: "This might be out of place, but have you ever thought about doing a podcast? You have a beautiful voice."

You'll hear:

• How financial pressure and toxic "think your way rich" self-help brought me to my knees
• The simple mindfulness practice that met me where I was (hands on the wheel, breath in the chest)
• What "Standing Nowhere" means: trusting direct experience over concepts
• The shared heart of wisdom across traditions—Jesus, Buddha, and beyond
• Real-world practices you can try while driving, walking, or brushing your teeth

Featuring the farmer and neighbor parable ("that's too bad" / "maybe"), why "repent" in Hebrew means "turn back/look within" (not feel guilty), Jesus on "stay awake," why thoughts think themselves without a "you" doing them, and how your lowest mess might be the perfect mess to bring you inside.

If bills wake you up at 3am, if you're burned out from the grind, or if you're curious about a gentler way to move through your day—this one's for you.

Thanks for listening. If it resonates, follow the show, leave a rating, and share it with someone who needs to hear this. More conversations, practices, and guests to come.

⚠️ Content note: This episode discusses depression, financial stress, and past suicidal ideation. Please take care while listening. U.S. support: Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). Text HOME to 741741.

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