SUMMARY KEYWORDS

bipolar, trauma, thinking, resonance, manic energy, mania, bipolar disorder, spontaneous, psychosis, sabotage

I got this top for Christmas. And it's pretty poignant. Considering that in a month and a half or so I will be heading to California. I still haven't officially quit my job by but that might happen in the next couple of days. So there's lots of changes that I have to make. And I've definitely been struggling this last week or so in terms of the changes and other things happening in my life. But I've also come to some realizations. Right now, it's pretty quiet in here because it again snowed. So that's nice. And since I'm not feeling very at home here in my home, because of the noise, I feel sort of displaced. I feel like that bipolar energy is going to come in and start to try to destroy things in my life. And that's what it's done three times in the past two years, because I've gone to the psych ward three times. And at the end of this week, it'll be the longest period of time that I've stayed out of the psych ward since my first so called relapse in 2015, in February. And it feels like I've been walking the line of clicking into psychosis, or I've even experienced elements of it, but have been able to maintain control. So I don't even know if it was the psychosis thing at all. So called psychosis or if it was just strong feelings, because some of those sensations I had were pretty strong, like I was laying in bed and fall asleep and my whole body was on fire and in pain, and those are things that would normally be happening if I was going into that mode of spiraling out of control. So it seems like I'm flirting with spiraling out of control. At which point, I would definitely make the decision to quit my job and, and things like that. So it seems like that bipolar energy wants to come in and, and sabotage those things. And so I was thinking to myself, well, maybe that's why it's important to do it. Myself consciously, instead of waiting for this subconscious process to take over and, and make it so I don't have a choice. And then, when that happens, I also don't have a choice on many other things in my life, like, perhaps the type of medication I put on in the psych ward, or how long I'm in the psych ward or so many other things. So I feel like, I need to consciously destroy that. And I was watching a Tony Robbins video this morning, his 2017 New Year's resolution video or something, and he was talking about how what's important is progress. Because he says change happens. But it's not always progress. But I was thinking in my case that sometimes progress is actually destroying those things that aren't working and aren't right or don't resonate. So that doesn't really seem like progress. To for me to destroy a potential career in the mainstream medical field doesn't necessarily feel like progress per se. But also to for me to exit that when I've sort of reached a peak of something consciously walk away. And that's something I wasn't able to do in one of my last jobs. And then after that, since I didn't do that. I ended up in a very bad situation that actually might have led to this whole bipolar disorder thing in the first place. So it's almost like I've come full circle nearly six years later. Actually over six years later. And on paper, I've sort of reached a good place in terms of being diagnosed with mental illness, having a decent position in mainstream paradigm, I have my own place, I have an old car. I have pretty good health, considering I'm taking medication. So on paper, everything's pretty good. Yet, I feel like I want to say goodbye to all of it. Because even that pretty good. State is not what I resonate with. I just don't resonate. It doesn't inspire me to support people who have been poisoned into a state. So beyond anything, and just sit there and smile and nod as they say, Oh, yeah, I'm doing so well, when they look like they could drop dead any second is just horrifically disgusting to me and not because of the person is because of the system. So I'm just saying that it's difficult to, to work in that. And that's why not only do I want to say goodbye to the paradigm in terms of working in it, I want to say goodbye to it in terms of being on any kind of its treatment. You yet if I remain working in it, it's going to be very difficult to to get myself off the treatment because of the stress and the duress and the retraumatization of actually having to see people see this happened to people? I think it's it's, it's awful. And I still want to be able to help people but from a different angle from a different angle than then yeah, I have a mental illness too. And I recovered somewhat. I want to recover beyond this somewhat, and then speak from that point. On don't know if that's better. I don't know if that's more powerful. I have no idea. But it's just it's really heartbreaking. I find it really heartbreaking. And I want it so people don't have to get into that heartbreaking stuff in the first place. Yeah. And I was I was watching Sean Blackwell's videos again on bipolar or waking up. I think he has a 24 part YouTube series. And I watched it a couple years ago. And I remember watching it and thinking wow, like this guy totally summed it up. And I've watched about six videos again so far and, and I still feel like wow, he's just totally summing it up. He did great research and and really does justice to the process. And he's one of the rare few that managed to escape and not be pathologized. And then there were some other videos on the side of the YouTube feed and other people sharing their experience with bipolar disorder. And so many of them are like, Yeah, get medical help. If I wasn't on the right medication and talking about the difference between manic depression and unipolar depression, it's like, why have we been brainwashed into talking about ourselves like we're psychiatrists? I don't know. Just really it's really weird to me. And it's not like the medications aren't helpful. Sometimes I just think it's a mistake to think that that's the long term care. It's the long term cure if we want to die 25 years early. That's a good cure to die early. And I read another comment about somebody saying, with him, destroys the thyroid over time. So I kind of want my thyroid, and I kind of want my kidneys. Maybe there's other people that want their thyroid in their kidneys, too. So I was thinking more about some of the stuff I talked about in earlier videos that I don't really even remember talking about. But I talked about some ideas that I had. And then I went on to more like abstract things, I think, can't really remember. But I feel like through that process of self dialogue, over those six months, I sort of talked myself out of the paradigm. I talked myself out of believing in the mental health paradigm at all. It just doesn't really compute in my brain. It's not something I want to be true for people. And of course, it's relatively true right now. But it's not an absolute fact. And that fact can be changed by how people think about it, and how people see it, and how people see themselves. And part of the seeing oneself is seeing that oneself isn't this consistent entity. I was listening to the Tony Robbins video, he, he emphasized that I can remember what he said exactly. But basically, wanting to be consistent, is one of the biggest drivers of the personality. So we want to be consistent over wanting to be ourselves. And so to me, that very process is sort of what can lead to a manic crisis or bipolar crisis. It's not the only factor. But it's just sort of like being conditioned into this consistent person. And it's not who one wants to be or is really naturally and then remaining consistent to that. Because what's important is consistency. And then something happens like maybe a trauma. And then since that trauma happens, the story related to that trauma comes in and overlaps with one's consistent story about oneself. And when that happens, all of a sudden one feels inwardly that they're not consistent, they were this person in that person. And now all of a sudden, they had this trauma happened to them, which means XYZ. And so when that inconsistency happens, that's when one can go into some kind of bipolar process, because all of a sudden, the personality has cracked, it's no longer consistent. And since we're not consistent by nature, we're not meant to be actually drones acting in consistent calculated ways that are pre programmed in the brain, we're actually supposed to respond to the moment. And the moment is never consistent. So the psyche, or whatever it is, takes that opportunity to be inconsistent. And when that happened to me, I was inconsistent. And I was feeling like I was in heaven on earth, to not have to be consistent. Because the next thing he says in the video, or one of the next things is he talks about how important it is to be spontaneous. So we have this driver in our personality to want to be consistent yet it's super important to be spontaneous, which is, he said, that's when we're most like ourselves when we're spontaneous, which taught which, which means not being consistent, which means acting in the moment. And to me, that's what mania is all about. When we're spontaneous and acting in the moment. We're always getting more and more energy because it's like fun. It's almost like that is the game of mania is being spontaneous and acting in the moment, and improvising and, and just by improvising and playing, one has so much energy, because instead of sort of playing those old tapes in the brain, which are telling us how to act in order to be consistent, we're not wasting our energy doing that. And we've been released from the tension of trying to hold ourselves together, unconsciously and subconsciously. So it's like that subconscious holding oneself together is, is what has broken up. And so I think I was talking about synchronicity before, and I don't really understand it. I don't think it can really be understood. But definitely spontaneity is an aspect of that. And being playful. And I guess the thing about being playful is that it's more powerful to be playful with other people. And when they play back, that is even more of an energetic process than just say, staying at home being creative by oneself. Because there's energy fed back and forth. And it doesn't just sort of fizzle out. Then I was thinking about name for my wellness company again, and I was thinking before of the name special messages, wellness. And that's a little bit abstract. I like it. But then I realized I could use happiness first wellness, because I've talked about how it's important to put happiness first. And and I also talked about one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something for other people. And that's part of a study. And it was in that movie documentary happy. And I'm thinking to myself, well, I need to get my own happiness first. And part of that is destroying, I like to call it conscious self sabotage. So, in terms of the consistency thing, we all want to be consistent. But what if I consciously sabotage all those things that I kind of cling to as my identity, on purpose as a way to not fear because it's sort of the fear of the loss of those things, that is part of the thing. And, and so for me, I'll be getting rid of the place I live, I'll be storing all my stuff and getting rid of a bunch of it. And might just have like a little backpack and go for six months to California. And that's where I went right before I came back here and went totally manic. I think I was sort of manic for three weeks and in Santa Barbara. But it didn't feel that way. Because the energy there was that higher resonance, so it wasn't really this big divide. And then when I came back here, the resonance is so much lower than the morphogenetic fields that I was at this higher level from being in Santa Barbara, where it's peaceful and quiet and, and beautiful and sunny, you know that I come back here and it's like noise and just so I feel like that's what made it so in congruent was partly just coming back here. So I would have to plan for my return to make sure I have some more peaceful to go because might be a little bit much in terms of the the difference in resonance, and I was actually thinking about how bipolars like, go into such a high resonance that coming back to this reality is almost like needing equipment. Almost like a person who wants to scuba dive, they need a bunch of scuba gear, they can't just dive down that deep and stay down there for that long and survive. So it seems like to me to be in this reality I need right now. I take lithium and I have my zap straps, which I feel keep me safe. I have a voice reminder every morning that says, Are you afraid of showering? Because if I am, that's definitely a sign that things have really gotten to a terrorizing point, I have cerebral PRN beside my bed and, and in my purse I I am thinking getting like a medical ID tag or something and and I have my representation agreement, my advance directive, all these things are like my gear for going about life, in this reality in this sort of lower resonance where I could bump into certain elements that could be re traumatizing. And I've even talked about how most of society is designed in a dramatic fashion is not designed for safety. And even the fact that we all live in constant stress and pressure, that in itself is trauma and and causing the allostatic load to accumulate. To the point where I think we're all taking bipolar time bombs, unless we're actually living as we would design for ourself. an effortless infinite flow of our own unfolding, then we can get pushed into mania, because Shawn Blackwell talks about in his videos that mania as a healing mechanism. And I don't know if I've talked about it in that way. But I might have said psychosis as a healing mechanism. And he says that too. And and I think that it is a healing mechanism. In my thought, I remember thinking, I feel like one goes into this fully heavenly manic state after trauma sometimes, because if one didn't, one might actually just end one's life. So if I just remained in that post traumatic stress reaction, I probably don't know how long I would have lasted. I had already lasted about six months, and then I left the country. And then I was in, in, in heaven in a way, maybe because I was out of the, the traumatic environment and now being back in it, it's difficult to exist here. It's like that energy is just here. And it might not even be trauma as much as it's just not. It's just not me, it's just not my true nature. whatever the heck that is, I don't even know what that is. But in speaking about getting congruent with how one would design one's life. And I talked about all this in previous videos, I think about happiness first about lifestyle design, which is something that Steve pavlina talks a lot about, is the importance of designing one's life as one one's first, not necessarily getting money first. So he is definitely on board with the whole thought of happiness first. And I've talked about before i i that it's really important for people with bipolar to really put that first because otherwise otherwise

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