I wanted to continue on with what I was talking about yesterday today is a good day to make videos because there's not as much traffic noise I think I've decided I want to quit my new job I just don't really think that working in the mental illness paradigm is energetically good for me logically I'd love to participate and be able to work to logically slowly but surely make change but I think that's slow because it's appealing to logic and its trying to oppose the logic of the system that's already there and words competing with words is sort of a very slow process and it feels strange because at this moment I'm still staying well I'm still managing to stay well and there would be me withdrawing at a point where I'm still well versus waiting until I go downhill in a way it could be good because I'm quitting when I'm at sort of the pinnacle of my career in peer support not that I won't continue with it in another fashion it's just I don't know if it fits well within the mental health system and even if it does I don't know if I fit well in that role in the mental system because I really don't feel it's helpful for people to be pathologized like that and of course they have the recovery movement and things but within the system it's still about here's your pathology now recover from your pathology we just gave you instead of starting from a different point and I'd rather start from that different point I think because being immersed in that other viewpoint doesn't really allow me to arise in relationship as I would like to so i talked about how in certain states of consciousness we more so arise in relationship we are what we arise as in that relationship so by being related to the mental illness paradigm I'm arising in relationship to that and it's in contradiction with my belief system and my value system and not that there's not a place for that but it to me is weakening it weakens me at weakens people and and so if I was to participate in some different that was more strength based I would be able to arise in relationship to that strength based paradigm or experience or situation and I love it when people are doing well and doing strength-based positive things that really gives me energy and it's not that people don't do that within the mental illness paradigm it's just it's just a different reference point it's just a different vantage point and and it just it really bothers me I think maybe largely in part because with all this self dialogue that I've done I just really don't believe that because I don't believe it of myself so I don't believe it's true for other people even if they believe it's true I don't believe even if there is an element of truth I don't believe in labeling people so early maybe if people were given open dialogue for six months and then labeled maybe most people wouldn't need a label at that point or their label would be lesser and they would get appropriate help but there's such an emphasis on this immediate labeling of people in order to get them on the immediate medication and doesn't mean don't put someone on medication to calm them down or keep them able to to be able to hold whatever experience they're having while moving towards new context and understanding and dialogue but people aren't given that our d so they're medicated and basically told to be quiet not really told to be quiet but there's no real listening ear that's where I think something like emotional CPR could come in very helpful as well as I was even thinking it'd be cool if a bunch of people were trained in it to have an ecp our day we're on a certain day people could come and speak to people in the ECP our way and then that person will be able to practice their ecp our skills and to really create a community of practice and a community of dialogue in that way so even if certain people who came to be the people receiving the ECP our ear they would start to think in different ways just by the way the dialogue was happening and maybe they would want to be trained in it at some point so it would just be something totally different and it's keeping that distress from accumulating to the point where a person then needs medical help and even if it's a person that doesn't need severe and serious medical help if they need just a little bit and then they take some sort of medication well now they're just avoiding whatever it was that is causing the problem even if it's just not as not as debilitating well it just allows a person to go back to the crappy life that was probably causing that to start to build up and not actually find different solutions or paths that might lead to something different when I'm thinking when I'm saying this right now I'm actually seeing I'm doing self dialogue with myself which could be a form of e CPR even though I've never taken you CPR yet and in a way I'm having the self dialogue and I'm noticing lately I've been getting this feeling of stress distress and if I'm thinking about it the stress distress could be of the situation in my life so if i don't really think about that and eliminate that and just keep moving towards that eventually i will have my fourth hospitalization because I never listen to what that distress is pointing to and I said to a friend earlier today that I think I'm having an allergic reaction to working in the mental health system it's almost like my consciousness my energy is starting to freak out and it's interesting that I can't focus on what it is I'm supposed to do with my job it's like don't focus on that you're freaking out and we're not going to let you focus on that because you're not supposed to be doing that and I don't know if that's true but it would be interesting for me to frame it in that way as opposed to thinking oh I'm becoming more mentally ill and I could say while I'm becoming more distress so I need to take some kind of medication to and deal with a distress or I could remove the distressful situation and I'm not sure if I quit if I'll the next day think oh my gosh why did I do that it was such a good opportunity part of me feels a bit angry at the system just because I don't want to be pathologized and when I was sharing my story on Thursday it was the best I ever did it sharing my story and i felt like i was able to really share what it was that I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and how I wanted to frame it and I realized that I was able to use ninety-eight percent strength based language and some of it that i use in these self dialogue videos not some of the out there concepts like I wasn't talking about like epigenetics and epi mimetics but I was talking about transformation a little bit i was talking about it's like a different intelligence I was talking about empathy and these different factors and I even mentioned that it might be a disability in some ways but there is an ability shun factor there's different abilities that arise when certain abilities seem to atrophy during this process it's like it's like a flip in a way it's like we flip from our our mind brain to our heart brain and it's very disorientating and so I don't think I even said the word bipolar i might have said psychosis but i might have said what's called psychosis or what's known as psychosis and and it was interesting that using all that strength based language that i created for myself not just not that i created the language or the words but I created that as my context for which to talk about it and frame it I felt strong afterwards whereas if I would have said oh this about my mental illness and Oh psychosis and over the hospital and I was getting so sick and all the stuff that people say I probably I probably would have felt differently after so I I really chose to practice using the language and the way I want to speak about it and I don't think I ever spoke about it in terms of like this is bad I'm bad or anything I want to really think about it that's how I want to speak about it it's not and with that language it's not turned into that which we're sort of programmed to see it as we're programmed to interpret it that way and if we interpret it that way of mental illness and all this we're going to feel more fearful if we notice something happening so we're trying to be fearful of that we're not trained to notice that we're not trying to be aware of it we're not trained to really wonder about it we're not trying to create our own context through which to describe it that we might have even created during the initial transformation process like thinking oh this is related to this which seems delusional in a way but it was our way of making sense of this transformation process and so I'm sure I had ways of making sense of it during the process and now I'm able to make sense of it when I notice the process sort of being activated and again it could be a different type of sensor or compass saying I'm going the wrong way and it might seem the right way it might seem the right logical way it might seem my egocentric way go and advance my career and make some money and and help the system and all this thing that's very logical but it seems that my sense is my body my feelings my energy everything is sort of reacting to that and I don't know if it is that it could be something else but that's sort of the thing that was added in most recently and that's the thing that usually has gotten me to a place of having all of that and in a way it's it makes sense because the allostatic load of sort of taking on the system in a way by working in it if one is working in it and one is sensitive and consciousness and a deep processor and a deep sensor and can get supposedly over stimulated by being in that environment being in that work I'm automatically extrapolating everything that I encounter and that would create allostatic load information overload by being in that heavy scenario so it could be something that is just difficult to get into something like that because of the extrapolation that my brain does so instead of me saying oh I'm weak oh I'm you know I can't I can't be successful in all of that it's more just that my mind my brain processes in a different way that isn't allowing me to go there and it could be not allowing me to go there because I'm not supposed to waste or utilize my energy in that way maybe there's a more powerful way to use my energy maybe if I spend two hours a day making video self dialogue with myself that would be more powerful than just sitting in an office and doing a few documents for one program in mental health somewhere and and I don't think that's as powerful it could almost be a waste of awareness in a way so and that makes sense too because I've talked about how a lot of times recovery is like recover into cog in the machine job and that's recovery well I'm reacting to cog in the machine job and then again if I quit it's like well now what do i do and i might have to be very creative with that and create something of my own in terms of what it is that i can unfold as me not working in a system which was something i didn't create so yeah i guess to that would be part of this synchronistic lifestyle design is that that's not really going to create as much synchronicity I feel I feel really done with it and not completely because i also have a casual job in peer support and the conversation is going well with that job in terms of being able to be a bit collaborative and co-creative and what I actually see happening possibly is creating some kind of rediscovery Center rediscovery and recreation center so for people that go into this trance consciousness they have somewhere to go to be and also to rediscover and recreate themselves and it would be sort of a community thing and I talked about some of that with talking about sort of like business ideas and i don't mean business as an i want to make money but it's usually some kind of business that is created in order to pull people together in some way but it wouldn't even have to be a business per se as much as just people contributing to a community and it could even be what i talked about with neighborhood and the neighborhood could be part of the thing where somebody knows ecp are so they're sort of like a neighborhood watch and then they have maybe certain people that they connect with who are their neighbors and they're not necessarily their peers they're not really they don't have to be somebody that also has a diagnosis of some kind and hopefully eventually people wouldn't have a diagnosis at all they would just know I'll go to my neighborhood watch person and they're going to witness my process of dialogue to help me unfold some meaning and context through which I can create a larger map a larger mindscape for which I can navigate my life because right now it's being navigated down a narrow tunnel and that is leading me into isolation and lack of degrees of freedom so also people in the neighborhood they would be doing their thing to contribute to the neighborhood and and help build up the neighborhood in a different way that was supportive and I often think like I don't know how all of this would be created but I feel like if I talked enough to myself about it I'll be able to speak with people in context as something arises in the moment when I'm out and about synchronistic Lee and it'll start to happen whereas if I never talked about it to myself it's not really going to be in my mind as much it's not really going to be part of the context and it's almost like I build context as I speak these things they're vibrating their resonating they're changing my brain cells and they're making it more likely that i will say these things when the opportunity comes just like when i shared my story on thursday and i said all strength based language that i would choose to describe not describing it in terms of what i've been told over the years is my problem and i didn't even present it in of the way that it's supposedly a problem it's made into a problem by the way it's interpreted and framed and medicated and and i'm not saying any of that is wrong I'm just saying that it's more of an emergency measure why do we get to that point that we need all that emergency measure is one thing and then why isn't it that we can't just bring someone out of the emergency state and then have so much dialogue to bring back into an integrated place where they can go about recreating and rediscovering their life and that would be the thing with this rediscovery recreation center and I think to again with what I talked about was how we are that Center we are a recreation and rediscovery center so i don't know what i was talking about somebody called me and i think i was talking about how we are a rediscovery and recreation center we don't really need a building in order to represent that and i was thinking about how when I told my story in the strength based way strength based stuff keeps our nervous system strong there's a muscle testing which is applied kinesiology and certain words and certain non truths make our nervous system week so by using the language that I chose to create as the context to describe my situation and my experiences it's making me strong whereas if I use language that doesn't resonate with me it's going to make me weak and you can do it by sort of pushing down you can say your name or think it and then push and your nervous system is strong your arm is strong and then if you say what the name that's not yours then it goes week and interestingly enough since my last hospitalization my nervous system stays strong for everything so I can't even use that anymore it won't let me use that and I don't know what that means I no if it means that I'm in a space of strength so maybe I'm immune to things like that that make me weak or maybe maybe it's that my whole body is the sensor now and I can't just use my arm to ask these questions like that and so maybe I can't use that as a guide anymore I have to actually use my whole physicality in my senses and my feelings and everything and perception can't just be like oh I'm going to ask my arm I'm not sure what that's all about but before I would be able to use it and it would be one way to to guide myself sometimes but Nia not anymore I made some more notes and I made a note about how the ego is the wrong type of sound just as hearing truck engine breaks all day long is the wrong type of sound that would not strengthen the nervous system it would add to this dress so it's almost like anything that would make the nervous system weak below the level of 200 on dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness would add stress to the system maybe it is stress in that the nervous system can't stay strong so it sends this stress signal and cortisol puts us into fight or flight which often times makes us stronger because we need to fight or flee so we need that extra strength it's almost like our voice in our head our monologue in our head our own ego voice turned against us making us weak makes the nervous system week which then responds by cortisol being released in the body somewhere near the adrenal glands and then that puts us in a fight or flight which gives us this artificial strength that we need because we're actually poisoning ourselves with our own words so it's really important to not be exposed to these things that make us weak because if we do because if we are exposed to those things then the ego voice is going to be talking and making us stressed maybe in order for us to get some bodily strength and part of our weakness is that we're not in the right posture so it all ties in to everything everything's related to everything it can't be separated into oh this is the cause there is no cause one can unfold context and a lot of it but doesn't mean anything is the root cause I feel too like I can get into fight flight or freeze for different reasons then the ego would put me into fight flight or freeze and that would be when the body is perceiving holistically and is moving towards path that is not right for the organism and then it stops a person in their tracks and puts them into fight flight or freeze and almost creates these supposed hallucinations and delusions to scare a person off from the path scare a person off of the path of linearity of logic of reason of society of the ego voice all of those things and then our voice even more gets turned against us in that it scares us and turns us away from that path and then we get pathologized and part of its because the dopamine mechanism is broken down usually if we have a freaky thought we can go and eat a cookie and then we feel better but with this process thing is going to make us feel better unless the eagle was completely dismantled and the process is dismantling the ego and then interrupted and disintegrated and turned into pathology with chemical Eagle band-aids and then with the chemical Eagle band-aid were moved towards recovery back into the system which we were fleeing from and I was thinking about the highly sensitive person thing and how people are born that way and then the ones that are not able to be programmed into eco rationality as much remain highly sensitive people and then people that are programmed and go in that rational academic or whatever way and then there in that rational programmed way for years and then that breaks down and the ego gets scrambled and everything then those people are called mentally ill because one was disconnected from that sensitivity so in snapping back to that sensitivity there's this odd behavior and things whereas people that are highly sensitive and remain highly sensitive create their lives in such a way that they can sort of manage to go about life and and not get all freaked out but a person is programmed they're going into life and then the programming breaks and they become highly sensitive but they've had 5 10 15 20 years of not functioning with that high sensitivity so it becomes overwhelming it's kind of like I read about or heard about this man who was blind all of his life I think he might have had sight for a very very short period of time when he was young and so when they gave him surgery to restore his eyesight and and when he had eyesight it was so much pain it wasn't oh you can see nothing made sense it was say 30 or 40 years of no I site and then all of a sudden this person had ice I and couldn't make sense of any of the signals nothing made sense nothing looked like it was supposed to look like according to how people that have always had eyesight see things so it might have appeared as delusional it might have been like a big hallucination it might have been everything was blurred into everything it might have been so much information it might have been painful because all these senses are coming in and it feels like pain just because it's overwhelming and this the sense and the sensory apparatus that the molecules the brain cells this signals whatever is needed in order to process that incoming data isn't there so it's actually just felt as pain because it's all this energy coming in and not being able to dissipate it into the processing into the images into the things that they are supposed to represent in reality and in the same way a person who is deeply programmed and goes through this transformative experience it's like almost like being blind ones whole life and then being able to see as having this very narrow band of ego processor of what has made salient in one's life and that is expanded to this huge band of feelings of of sensing other people's experiences of taking different perspectives than one's own ego it's not just me and my ego and how I see things it's how the other person see things how we both see things together what the other person could be thinking and it's just so much information it's a different way of seeing that's different than seeing with the eyes we see through our ego and what's made salient and when that breaks down there's way too much information and in the same way it can be turned into different associations we're used to associating and not extrapolating so when we start to take different perspectives and we're able to extrapolate it it is as too much information we don't know what we're seeing we don't know what kind of information we're dealing with we don't know where it's coming from just like this man who had his eye sight restored he wouldn't know what anything was or where it was coming from and didn't make any sense and I don't know if over time he was able to make sense of things I feel the same way after a person has that transformative experience it doesn't end it keeps going it's like always learning and always having a sense of where this information is coming from and what we're sensing and sometimes we don't even know so imagine an indigenous person years ago they would have been so attuned to their environment if they heard a certain sound they would know exactly where it was exactly what kind of animal was making it how long the animal would take to get to them how long it would take them to get to the animal to hunt it etc etc so in that same way if we're experiencing some kind of sensation or some kind of information we don't know where it's coming from it might just be fearful so if we were in the forest we would be afraid because we wouldn't actually know where these sounds and perceptions were coming from and we wouldn't know how to act and which way to go and to avoid danger and to seek food we wouldn't know so it's the same way with having this transformative consciousness it takes time to learn so if we were left in the forest and then we if we went to the forest continually every weekend for a year eventually we would really get to know the forest and we would feel comfortable and just when this transformative consciousness happens it takes a while to feel comfortable and not be spooked so originally it might happen where there's an extrapolation that makes us have a vision of something that happened a thousand years ago and now that's scary because we normally don't experience that but over time with being able to navigate this information we might just think oh oh that oh I just remembered something from our human history or or it could even be kind of obvious when talking to somebody how it relates to that so it comes up as an extrapolation versus a supposed hallucination which which is like well how did that come into my brain and and that's scary and then I try to relate it to myself because we always try to relate everything to our ego self when maybe it's just something that's arising that has nothing to do with us when we're driving a car we don't see a sign and think the sign is talking about us is just a navigation post so the same way some of these images and things that come up that are supposed to hallucinations and delusions are just they're just part of the map of the whole territory of the entire history of humanity and we can access that information and in a way muscle testing applied kinesiology was in order to ask any question and get the truth you can ask yes or no responses and if you ask something it's true it'll make you strong so you know the truth of that went away this trans consciousness experience is sort of like applied kinesiology but it actually happens in the field of actuality it happens as an image so if you think of something you feel the truth of it and it makes you sort of excited or happy or ecstatic and then you see something scary and it makes you afraid well that's sort of like the truth and the falsehood of the muscle testing but we're actually projecting something outward or we're experiencing something on her mind screen and why shouldn't we be able to do that

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