The most capable woman in the room is often the loneliest. Not because no one wants her — but because she's spent years making herself so easy, so low-maintenance, so needless, that there's nothing for anyone to actually attach to.

But that's not a personality trait. That's a trauma response.

In this episode, I'm digging into hyper-independence — where it comes from, why it masquerades as "just who we are" when it's really a trauma response, and how it shows up in dating, relationships, and marriage in ways you might not expect. If you're single and wondering why things never quite stick, or partnered and sitting on a slow burn of resentment, this episode will give you a lot to work with.

Listen to The 40 Portal Podcast

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In the last few years I've started to notice something in my peers, colleagues and clients who are a few years deeper into their 40s — and a few years deeper into their marriage and life as parents: Things are starting to crack and fissure. Things that were a whisper of an issue before are now all encompassing. But are these big, life-altering cracks, or obstacles meant to drive a couple into its next evolution? Not the easiest of questions to contemplate. Not the easiest of questions to answer.

I've been doing that work, asking those questions and surfacing those answers for years in my practice. I've now turned it into a formal program.

In today's episode I'm discussing:

• Why things start to stir in our marriages/long term relationships at this point in life
• The similarities I see between my single clients and married clients at this point in life
• Why women, at this point in their marriages, wake up to how disconnected they can feel to their partners — how their role embodies more of 'Director of Operations' than a wife, partner or individual
• Some ways to navigate next steps, if you find yourself in this season of life

Questions mentioned in podcast:

What version of myself am I missing right now?

What do I long to feel or experience in my days that I don’t have access to? What’s driving that?

In what ways have I been trying to get my partner to change — and what am I anticipating that change would do for me energetically, spiritually, emotionally? Is that something I could do for myself?

Episode w/ Kara Loweintheil

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Nearly four years ago, my friend and colleague, Diana Davis, went through a life-altering breakup. She and her then-boyfriend of over six years decided to part ways, with her later learning he'd had an affair during the course of their relationship. You can listen to that episode here.

For the last few years, she's hopped around the globe, living in different spots, dating different people (some good! some not so good!) and getting to know herself. Her work has also evolved, playing a parallel role in the evolution of her relationships. In this episode we discuss:

• The big dating lessons and shifts that led to her now-blooming relationship
• How burning out with her business correlated to changes in how she was dating
• The key parallels between our work lives and our romantic lives

To learn more about or work with Diana, check out her website and Instagram.

Private coaching spots are open.

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This week I've invited my dear friend and colleague, Megan Hellerer, back on the podcast. Megan was on the podcast in the fall of 2024 for the launch of her first book, Directional Living. Here's that first episode.

I wanted to have her back on to discuss:

• What life is like as a 41 year old mom with a 2.5 year old, a year after writing her book
• Have her discuss how the life she's living feels like her dream, but never one she would have imagined
• The unique let down she experienced (as many authors do) after putting her big project into the world

We also dig into a rich discussion around this generation and younger generations' inability to tolerate uncertainty, and how the ability to do so is crucial when it comes to pursuing and experiencing that which you want in this precious life. I found myself furiously taking notes and contemplating my year ahead in a whole new way.

Private coaching spaces are open.

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Years ago, back when I first started this podcast, I shared an episode entitled "The comfort of being single." I will link to that podcast below. It's one of the most listened to episodes.

My clients, always serving as the greatest mirror, reminded me this topic was worth revisiting. I find it to be an extremely comment sentiment, but it often gets buried with feelings of: There's something wrong with me. I should just date more. If I want a relationship, why am I not trying harder?

This episode will resonate if you find yourself single and deeply resistant to dating, or stuck in a series of short or largely unsuccessful relationships, and can't seem to shake the pattern. 

In it I cover:

• The deeper reasons as to why we resist dating or find our relationship attempts always fall short
• How and why we shame and blame ourselves — saying we're too picky and not trying hard enough — and how that actually isn't true
• How much of remaining single has to do with maintaining control
• Ways you can better understand your own relationship patterns

Episode 11

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Quick videos with quippy captions, over-simplified sound bites and energy influencers claiming they understand your body better than you do your own,  have seemingly made us all "somatic experts," completely on top of our individualized trauma and blocks...but has it?

That, and well, the release of her new book (!), was the main reason I wanted Bea to return to the show. If you identify as a type A, high-achieving, people-pleasing, good girl — essentially everyone who listens to this show — Bea's framing of these behaviors, our understanding of codependency, the buzziness of the terms "blocks" and "somatic" and how the popularity is leading us to misinterpret what we're actually feeling, will feel like a breath of fresh air. I walked away from this episode with a whole new understanding of how my own, personal, lived experience is still (in sneaky and subtle ways) in relation to my perceived sense of what's working and not working for someone else.

Bea's Website

Buy Bea's Book

Join her program, Anchored

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Years ago, I fell hard for a boss. Initially, I might have used the word love. That I fell in love with him. Now much older, knowing what love actually means and entails, it wasn't love. It was infatuation. But my feelings of infatuation were quite significant when it came to understanding my bigger romantic hunger and obstacles.

I have worked with many a client who has experienced the same thing — some merely admired male colleagues from afar, while some entered full**-blown relationships. The consistency of this pattern among my clients (and, well, myself), hard-**working, hero daughters, is key. The draw to these types of men in these types of scenarios is very reflective of the way we long to be seen and loved, but not helpful when it comes to securing a committed, fulfilling relationship.

In this episode I'm covering:

• What drives our attraction in professional environments
• What creates those heightened feelings of obsession and infatuation
• How, even if the relationship isn't romantic, we get some emotional fulfillment, often causing us to not seek it elsewhere
• How these "relationships," even when they result in affairs, feel "safe"
• How we can break down this pattern to understand what's begging to be healed (on our own), and why it's serving as an obstacle to finding true partnership

Other episodes mentioned:

Ep 124 Why does sex with the people that are so wrong for us feel so good? With therapist Julia Zwerin.

Ep 5 | The relationship that broke me in all the ways I needed to be broken (AKA uncovering my father wound)

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Psychological astrologer and general fountain of wisdom, Dani Beinstein returns! 

In this episode we talk about:

• How the struggles, obstacles and general ways we were all put through the proverbial wringer in 2025 was a "pregame" (Dani's words) of sorts. Dani breaks down the what and why of last year.
• What 2026 is asking of us and how we can apply this to our lives
• Dani's and my own current philosophies of the state of romantic relationships (Hint: our expectations of what they'll fulfill are way too high) and ways in which we see people could find more freedom, joy and fulfillment in their relationships

Links mentioned in the episode:

Work Privately with Me

Dani's Website

Book a Reading with Dani

Dani's Lives with Steph Sembari

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Tis the season, or so it seems, to reflect on all I wish I'd done differently. While these breakups and ruptures I speak of are from a few years back, the things I wish I'd done around them to better integrate the pain and learn from my own mistakes, still (very much) ring true in life. First and foremost, I wish I hadn't mainlined so much self help content, such that I drowned out my own lived experience from the loss. Second, I wish I'd had more intimate and difficult conversations with those that I hurt, those I faced conflict with, and those that I was losing.

Connect with me on Substack: https://claraartschwager.substack.com/

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Many of the women I work with fall into their late 30s and early 40s, that spot when if one desires children, things can feel a bit precarious. Will I meet someone in time? Will the eggs I've frozen actually function?

While I've had a few clients loosely entertain pursuing motherhood on their own, Megan was the first to actually do it. But it came much more from a place of pure desire, rather than something she felt forced into doing because time was running out. Her decision to do so brings up some great questions and points around the limitations of a traditional marriage, the freedoms found in having a child on one's own, and the desire to pursue motherhood in advance of meeting your partner. This is part one of our rich conversation.

https://claraartschwager.substack.com/

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