Tis the season, or so it seems, to reflect on all I wish I'd done differently. While these breakups and ruptures I speak of are from a few years back, the things I wish I'd done around them to better integrate the pain and learn from my own mistakes, still (very much) ring true in life. First and foremost, I wish I hadn't mainlined so much self help content, such that I drowned out my own lived experience from the loss. Second, I wish I'd had more intimate and difficult conversations with those that I hurt, those I faced conflict with, and those that I was losing.

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Many of the women I work with fall into their late 30s and early 40s, that spot when if one desires children, things can feel a bit precarious. Will I meet someone in time? Will the eggs I've frozen actually function?

While I've had a few clients loosely entertain pursuing motherhood on their own, Megan was the first to actually do it. But it came much more from a place of pure desire, rather than something she felt forced into doing because time was running out. Her decision to do so brings up some great questions and points around the limitations of a traditional marriage, the freedoms found in having a child on one's own, and the desire to pursue motherhood in advance of meeting your partner. This is part one of our rich conversation.

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It always astounds me how often clients will say to me: "I know, I know. I just need to get OVER this." To which I reply, "It sounds like that really hurts. I don't think you do."

Our ability to override and deny the truth of our inner worlds and emotional landscapes in this heavily systemized dating world is doing more harm than good. Frankly, it's not doing any good at all!

If you're someone who hops from date to date (or relationship problem), loves to busy yourself with work, social engagements, etc, to keep any more messy feelings at bay, this episode is for you.

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Tis the season to REFLECT. That's the heart of today's episode. I love this time of year for getting cozy, sipping something delicious, and reflecting on the year. In today's episode I'm walking you through the exact exercise I use with clients to mine their current and past relationships, crushes, flings, etc, for patterns. Once we know our patterns, we can work to shift them to achieve, essentially, more of the life experience we actually want.

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The fear of running out of time or feeling behind (of peers, friends, societal perceptions) is valid, to be sure. But our focus on that feeling blinds us from what's actually there, i.e. what we actually need to address, feel, process, confront, work on, in order to change the direction and future of our romantic lives. 

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Are you the planner, the doer, the one who takes on everything? Maybe it's really hard for you to delegate, or you fear if you aren't the one doing it everything will fall apart or go to shit? 

The tricky thing about that behavior — while it makes us feel like we're in control — is that it dramatically limits the love and care we can receive from others, and the general pleasure we experience in our life. That includes the satisfaction we get from our work or the types of relationships (from friendships to romantic, and even professional)

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Often women will come to me and say:

• Men are intimidated by my career/how much money I make
• I don't know how to meet someone who doesn't feel this way

Spoiler alert, it's not about "just meeting someone" who doesn't feel this way. Feeling this way has way more to do (per usual) with our past versus our present. I'm sharing my own experience, along with that of my clients who earn more money from their partners, and what we can do on our side of the fence to understand shift this dynamic, as well as better understand what wealth (well beyond financial terms) means to us.

Another episode you might enjoy: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dealing-with-money-in-relationships-ep-115/id1617901618?i=1000661149501

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In the past few weeks clients of mine have:

• Let go of people they really liked but ultimately weren't the right fit
• Slowed down their dating practice to get more out of it (i.e. more ease, more fulfillment)
• Practiced taking space in the early days of a new relationship to better discern how they were feeling

And in so doing, they're confronting pain, fear, grief, uncertainty....the meat of life :). Admittedly, I've been in a season of my life that has brought up a lot of those feelings, too. Today's episode is dedicated to the power of those emotions, those periods of life, as it relates to moving closer to what we want.

Mentioned in this episode:

Peter Crone

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In this episode I'm discussing how our propensity to work hard and get things done, and specifically the way we:

• Place high value on something that's hard to achieve versus finding ease in our life
• Avoid rejection and failure at all costs
• Label ourselves as the planner and like to be in charge

...are all wreaking havoc (i.e. not leading to the lived experience we want) in our relationships — romantic, platonic, professional, etc.

Mentioned in this episode:

David Deida: Intimate Communion

Sofia Adler Wellness

How Overachievers Shoot Themselves in the Foot with Their Careers

On Being Resistant to Ease in Your Dating Life

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A client will often say to me, "I've finally figured out what I want and need in a relationship," with the sentiment that the figuring out of that has been the piece that's missing and will now help them in finding a partner. And it's not that it won't. It is a piece of it. But the awareness of something, versus the ability to act on and integrate said thing, are completely different. And we're very often repeating behaviors in how we date, who we keep around, etc etc, that are the antithesis of what we want. So we can make those lists and even weave it into dating profile prompts, but none of that makes a difference unless the behavior in your life actually aligns with that which you say you want. And often/always that behavior is very confronting — because it requires confronting old wounds, old patterns, buried grief and trauma, and so forth. That's what I'm digging into in today's episode. 

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