I started an antidepressant.

I didn't write notes for this one, didn't organize my thoughts, I just hit record on my voice memo app like I always do when I get the feeling that something needs to be said out loud.

If you saw my post yesterday you know I made the decision to start an SNRI.  There is no way to say everything that led to that decision in an instagram caption or a 30 second reel, so... here we are.

I've been living in this really confusing duality for a long time now. genuinely, deeply happy. and also the saddest I've ever been. both true at the same time. and I've spent this entire year trying to get to the bottom of it: HRT, trauma therapy, coaching, rest, pulling back on my business, all of it. I've exhausted every single tool in my toolbox except one.

This episode is about that one.

what we get into:

• the duality of being the happiest and saddest I've ever been at the same time
• complex PTSD, PMDD, postpartum depression, and what happens when you've tried everything else
• what my coach said to me mid-flare that finally made something click
• why I was against medication for so long and where that belief came from
• the moment — back to back family news in one day — that was my threshold
• the cycle I didn't realize I was repeating by staying stubborn about this
• why 100+ women commented on my reel saying they feel the exact same way (and what that means)

This isn't me telling you what to do, it's just me telling you my story.

If you see yourself in any of it... that's why I put it out there.