Identity in Christ vs Interpersonal Conflict

We've all experienced it: they're wrong, and I'm right. But what if we're not seeing reality for what it is? What if we're really not right? How does finding our identity in Christ allow us to step back and evaluate the best answer to any given conflict, without being afraid of what the outcome will do to our personal worth?

Show Notes:

If you're reading this, you've experienced interpersonal conflict. It could have been with your parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, kids, or others, but in all likelihood, it's been with as many of those as you've had a relationship with. Basic conflict is part of interacting with other people. Why? Because every person is unique in their combination of experiences, beliefs, personality, and upbringing, which means we all are coming at the world from a unique perspective. We think different things are important and have different solutions to problems. This leads to disagreements about how to do the laundry, market the product, built the church, raise the kids, and load the dishes into the dishwasher.

The best way to handle this conflict is to ask thoughtful questions of the other person/people to see why they think their way is best, express why you feel the same way about your idea, and then take the idea or parts of all ideas that are best and form a solution everyone agrees on. Easier said than done, I know. Why is this? I think there are two primary reasons: either someone is holding too tightly to their own idea or someone wants something they shouldn't want. What do I mean by this? Let's look at the second reason first.

James 4:1-2 says, "What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask." The point James is making is two-fold. When we have unmet sinful desires, we are going to do whatever it takes, at whatever personal cost to others, to get what we want. Secondly, if we want wholesome and good things within God's will for us, all we have to do is ask. So it could be that conflict you've experienced is because you or someone else wanted something sinful.

Can knowing your identity help with this? Absolutely. The way that sin gets us is by whispering that we need something we aren't supposed to have. When we believe that, we start opening doors of what we're willing to do to get that thing. Maybe it's not very far at first, but at the end of every hallway is another door. We always think that satisfaction lies on the other side of each door; we won't have to go on beyond this one. But it's never quite enough.

There are a couple lies about God and His relationship with us behind this behavior. God does not have my best interest at heart. He has given me needs and then forbidden me from fulfilling them. God created good things and then put them off limits just to see me suffer.

So what's the truth that countermands these lies?

• James 1:17, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." Anything good in this world comes from God, and we're not going to find something good by going around God.
• Jeremiah 17:5-8, "Thus says the Lord: 'Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. 'Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.'" God is trustworthy, and when we trust Him, He takes care of us.
• Philippians 4:19, "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Everything we truly need, God gives to us.

Part of knowing who we are in Christ is resting in who He is and His sufficiency for us. He is enough, His plans for us are for our good, and anything He has not given us or put off-limits to us is also for our good. When we ignore Him and think that we know best, that is when we end up in the weeds. Joy and fulfillment are not found is what is off-limits but in God and His purpose for our lives.

The second reason I said you could be having trouble resolving interpersonal conflict is that someone is holding too tightly to their own idea. What would cause this? The roots are in, you guessed it, identity. There are two kinds of people who do this: those who are overconfident and can't be wrong, and those who are underconfident and trying to prove themselves. The first group can't see anything from anyone else's perspective because it's pointless to do so, since everyone else is always wrong, and they're always right. This is classic pride, the lie of which could be: I was created better than everyone else at (fill in the blank), therefore I have a higher value than everyone else, and everyone should listen to me.

The second kind of person is one who undervalues themselves and feels that in order to be valuable, they have to be right and have their ideas accepted. The lie goes something like this: my value is determined by how well I contribute and how often people think I'm right.

The truth for both kinds of people is the same but with a different twist:

• Our value is found in God placing His image upon us at creation and Jesus' death for us on the cross. Nothing we do or don't do can change that value. All humans bear the same value as image-bearers of God. No one of us is better or worse than any other, because we are all inherently sinful, and anything good in us is because of God's righteousness. Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Philippians 3:9, "And be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—"

Which type of person are you more likely to be? It's easy to see these traits in other people, but the point of learning more about God and discipleship is to change us. Can you think of a time when your sinful desires got in the way of a relationship and caused conflict? Can you think of a time when you couldn't let go of thinking you were right because of pride or under-valuing yourself? How can you remind yourself of the truth so that it's less likely to happen again?