Identity in Christ vs Personal Criticism

When people criticize us, for whatever reason, it often feels like a personal attack. How do we take the truths of identity in Christ and combat that feeling so that we can take any truth from what they're saying and apply it to our lives, while not taking it personally?

Show Notes:

So far in this series, we've been talking through the basics of identity in Christ. Like we ought to do when trying to understand any theological concept, we started out big and general and are making our way down to the practical. There are a lot of ways that finding our identity in Christ impacts our lives for the better. One of those is personal criticism and attacks.

Part of being human is both experiencing and dishing out hurtful words. I'm sure it doesn't take much effort for you to remember a time when someone said something hurtful to you. As we looked at last week, the way to get something to stick in your mind is to connect with it both logically and emotionally. In most instances when we have verbally rocks thrown at us, the situation is emotionally charged and what the other person says has at least a grain of truth in it. That is why unkind words can be so difficult to dislodge from our minds and can play on repeat.

When someone criticizes us, there are a lot of possibilities at play. First of all, they could be telling us something that we need to hear for our own good. We'll call that feedback. Or they could be criticizing us with the intent to hurt us. A second set of possibilities is that either: what they're saying is completely true, it's somewhat true but blown out of proportion, or it's false. Finally, this could be a planned critique or attack, or it could be in the heat of the moment. All of these possibilities are important to evaluate when we receive personal criticism, so that we can make an appropriate response.

However, for most of us, when we are criticized in any way—with any of these options—our response is emotional and defensive. Why is this? In short, it's because we think our value and worth as a person is under attack. If we've built our identity on the foundation that we are good at our jobs, skilled with people, or the best looking, it's bound to fall over. All it takes is our boss telling us last week's project was sub-par, being walked out on while on a first date, or someone pointing out that we're going gray or have a pimple coming. Suddenly the world is falling apart around us, we feel like trash, and we can't figure out why such a small thing is bothering us so much. We might tell ourselves to just get over it already, but we can't seem to.

So what do we do? First we have to find the lie we're believing. It starts with, "My worth is defined by…," but most of us can't pin-point it quite that easily. We have to work backwards from the hurt to find the lie. Let's say your date says, "I just can't handle you. You know you're not as funny as you think you are," and walks away, and that strikes you to your core. The first question you have to ask is, "What is it about this that hurts?" Is it because she walked away, and pride yourself on always at least getting second dates? Is it because she insulted your jokes, and you like to think you can always entertain a room, regardless of who's in it?

This has probably put you right on top of the lie or very close to it. If you're not quite there, ask yourself, "Are there any other situations that have made me feel like this?" What do they have in common? It could be something as simple as, "My worth is defined by how much people enjoy spending time with me." I think we all believe this one at some point, whether we're generally good with people or not. Those who have high social intelligence grow up with inflated egos about it, until they meet someone who doesn't fall for their charm, and suddenly that's the only thing they can think about. Those without good social skills grow up thinking they will never be worth anything until they can have real friends who are willing to stick with them.

Whatever the lie is you're believing, the next step is to counteract it with truth. It can be helpful to frame the truth in the same way the lie is framed. So if you're believing that your worth is defined by how willing people are to spend time with you, the truth is that a) your value is defined by God, and b) God always wants to spend time with you (Matthew 28:20). Whenever you are feeling lonely, He is present, willing to listen, and will speak peace to your heart if you will let Him (Philippians 4:7, Isaiah 26:3).

Other truths that can be helpful when it comes to personal criticism are:

• Everything God puts us through is designed to grow and shape us to be more like Him. We can trust the process, even when it hurts. (1 Peter 1:6-7, Romans 8:28)
• God's love for us is not dependent on what we do but on what Christ did on the cross for us. He will never strike out at us for something we mess up. (John 3:36, 1 Thessalonians 5:9)
• God is not a fickle friend who comes and goes depending on whether we're fun or not. He is with us regardless of our mood. (1 John 4:8, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
• God physically created us the way that we are for a reason, sees us as beautiful, and doesn't make mistakes (Psalm 139:14, 1 Corinthians 3:16).

When people criticize us, we have to be able to take the truth from what they said use it to make ourselves more like Christ. In order to do that, though, we have to be able to really hear what the other person is saying and not throw up defenses for ourselves. We can only do that if our value is fixed in Christ.

If you have questions, comments, or suggestions for more topics, feel free to let me know! You can contact me via my website or on Facebook, if we're friends. Next week we're going to talk through how having your identity in Christ helps with interpersonal conflict. I hope you'll join me then.