I’m not stalking, I’m just researching — that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. This week I went down a LinkedIn hole, found out the lieutenant got married, and had one of those “holy sh*t” moments that makes you question everything. But don’t worry, I balance the heavy stuff with some of the most cringe-worthy singles posts you’ve ever heard — from men offering “stay pretty” allowances to guys describing themselves as ointment for your scars. You can’t make this stuff up.