Why It’s So Hard for Highly Sensitive High Achievers to Create Calm in Our Chaotic Modern World

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how hard it is to find calm, especially when you’re highly sensitive and constantly tuned in to everything going on around you. Let’s be real: the world feels overwhelming. There are days when it seems like every news notification is a new crisis—fires, floods, wars, political upheaval, economic instability. It’s a lot. And as someone who identifies as a highly sensitive high achiever, I feel this overwhelm on a cellular level. It’s not just stressful; it’s a deep, pervasive sense of unease that seems impossible to shake.

For me, it’s more than just the typical anxiety that comes from being aware of the chaos. I also struggle with OCD, and keeping that in check is its own full-time job. It’s so easy to fall into the compulsive habit of checking the news. It starts innocently enough—just a quick glance to see what’s happening—but before I know it, I’m down a rabbit hole, refreshing page after page, searching for some sense of control or reassurance that things aren’t as bad as they seem. Spoiler: they usually are, or at least the headlines make it feel that way.

But why is it so hard for highly sensitive high achievers like us to create calm, especially when we need it most? It’s not just about external stressors; there’s more going on beneath the surface. I’ve come to realize that a lot of the difficulty stems from a mix of learned behaviors and deeply ingrained personality traits that make it feel like we’re always in battle with the world around us.

One of the biggest hurdles is that we’ve learned to be hyper-vigilant. This didn’t happen overnight; it’s been ingrained in us for years. Whether it’s from family dynamics, past experiences, or just navigating life as a highly sensitive person, we’ve been conditioned to be constantly on alert. We’re always scanning for danger—emotional, physical, mental. We’re the ones who anticipate problems before they arise, who feel responsible for catching every potential issue before it becomes a disaster.

This hyper-vigilance becomes a way of life. Our nervous systems are perpetually in overdrive, and it’s hard to turn that off. For me, this shows up as an underlying anxiety that I can’t quite shake, even on “good” days. When the world feels like it’s falling apart, my brain is already 10 steps ahead, imagining all the ways it could get worse. It’s a survival mechanism, but it’s exhausting. And when you’ve spent your entire life in this state, trying to create calm feels almost impossible because you’ve forgotten what it’s like to truly relax.

Highly sensitive high achievers tend to fall into the perfectionism trap. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves and often feel like we’re never quite measuring up. For me, this perfectionism can sneak into my daily routine in subtle ways—like when I feel I have to know *everything* that’s going on in the world to feel prepared. It’s not just a desire for knowledge; it’s the feeling that if I don’t keep up, I’m failing in some way. It’s irrational, but it’s there.

This perfectionism makes creating calm incredibly challenging because we don’t allow ourselves the space to be imperfect. We’re constantly pushing ourselves, striving to be better, do more, and stay on top of everything. Rest feels indulgent, and in a world that’s always on, we feel the pressure to be on as well. The truth is, we can’t create calm if we’re always running on high alert, but letting go of that need to be perfect is easier said than done.

Another reason calm is so elusive for people like us is the deep need for control. When the world feels unpredictable, we grasp at anything we can control, whether it’s our work, our routines, or—like in my case—how often we check the news. My OCD makes this particularly tricky because it’s so easy for my brain to latch onto the idea that if I just check one more article, I’ll feel better. But the reality is that the more I try to control things, the more out of control I feel.

This need for control isn’t just about external things. It’s also about how we manage our inner world. We try to control our emotions, our reactions, and how we present ourselves to others. We want to appear calm and collected, even when we’re crumbling inside. This disconnect between how we feel and how we show up in the world only adds to the internal chaos, making it harder to find any real sense of calm.

As highly sensitive people, we absorb the energy of the world around us, whether we want to or not. This can be a beautiful gift when we’re in a positive, peaceful environment, but let’s face it—the world right now is anything but peaceful. The constant barrage of negative news, the polarization of society, and the general sense of unrest seep into us, even if we’re not actively paying attention. It’s like the air around us is charged with anxiety, and we’re the lightning rods, pulling it all in.

I’ve had to become hyper-aware of this in my own life, especially when my anxiety spikes after too much news consumption. There are times when I feel the weight of the world’s problems so deeply that it’s hard to focus on anything else. It’s a heavy burden to carry, and it’s one that we often don’t even realize we’re holding until it becomes too much.

For high achievers, calm can feel counterproductive. We’ve been taught that success is tied to how much we produce, how busy we are, and how much we accomplish. In a world that glorifies hustle culture, taking a step back to rest feels like failure. There’s a constant voice in the back of our heads telling us that we should be doing more, achieving more, and staying ahead of the game.

This internalized belief makes it hard to slow down, even when we desperately need it. Rest feels unproductive, and calm feels like something we’ll get to once we’ve checked everything off our to-do list. But the truth is, there’s always more to do, and waiting until everything is done to find calm is a recipe for burnout.

So, where does that leave us? Creating calm in the chaos is an ongoing challenge. But I’ve learned that it’s not about finding some magical solution that makes the world feel less overwhelming. It’s about acknowledging the ways we’ve been conditioned to stay in a state of alert and gently retraining our minds to let go, even if just for a moment.

For me, this means setting boundaries with my news consumption, recognizing when I’m slipping into compulsive behaviors, and giving myself permission to rest, even when it feels uncomfortable. It’s not easy, and it’s definitely not perfect, but it’s a step toward creating the calm we all so desperately need.

In the end, the world isn’t going to slow down anytime soon, but we can. We can learn to prioritize our well-being over productivity, give ourselves grace when we don’t have all the answers, and remind ourselves that it’s okay to step back and breathe.

Creating calm isn’t a one-time thing; it’s a practice. And as with any practice, it takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion. But it’s worth it because in the middle of all this chaos, we deserve to feel calm too

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The other day, I was out walking my dog, Takoda, when I found myself caught in an unexpectedly sticky situation. It was one of those small moments that shouldn't really matter, but for some reason, it lingered—clinging to my thoughts long after it was over.

We were about five minutes into our walk when Takoda stopped to do his business. As he bent over to poop, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to bring any bags with me. Whoops. So, I did the responsible thing: I turned around and started heading home to grab some bags, planning to return and pick up after him before continuing our walk.

Just as I was turning, a woman in a car leaned out of her window and shouted, “Pick up your dog’s poop!” Her tone was sharp, accusatory, and instantly put me on edge. I called back, explaining that I’d forgotten bags but was on my way home to get some so I could come back and clean it up. She responded with an “Okaayyyyy,” in a tone that dripped with disbelief.

As I walked away, I found myself hoping she would still be at the intersection when I returned, just so she could see that I was true to my word. Or maybe I’d run into her later on our walk, and she’d see that I had, in fact, picked up Takoda’s poop. It wasn’t that I needed her approval, but there was something about the situation that I couldn’t shake.

Why did it bother me so much that this stranger might think I wasn’t responsible? Why did I care if she believed me or not? I knew I was going to do the right thing, so why did I feel the need for her to see that?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn’t just about being misunderstood. Sure, that was part of it, but it went deeper. It was about control—or, more specifically, the lack of it. I realized that I was triggered because I felt powerless to correct the misunderstanding. The decision to let her think whatever she wanted was made for me, and that’s what really got under my skin.

You see, I’m someone who’s had a lot of experience with being misunderstood, particularly by my family. For most of my life, they haven’t really seen me—the true me. Not that it’s their fault really. My people pleaser was very active at home as well. I wanted to be what they needed - which wasn’t always my true self.

It’s only in the last few years that some of them have started to see me for who I am at my core, and that shift has been incredibly significant for me.

Over time, I’ve learned to release the need for people to see me clearly. I’ve accepted that not everyone may never understand who I truly am, and I’ve made peace with that. I’ve even reached a point where it doesn’t bother me anymore. I see it as their loss, not mine. If they ever become open to seeing who I really am, that would be great. But if they don’t, it’s fine. I’m not losing sleep over it.

But this situation with the woman and the dog poop was different. 

I didn’t have the opportunity to make the decision to let it go. The decision was made for me. 

I had no other option than to let her think whatever she was going to think about me. And that’s what really triggered me—feeling out of control, unable to correct a misunderstanding that I didn’t want to exist in the first place.

I think this is something a lot of us can relate to, even if the specific situation is different. We’ve all had moments where we felt misunderstood and powerless to set the record straight. Maybe it’s at work, with friends, or even on social media, where someone takes something you said out of context or misinterprets your actions. And in those moments, it’s easy to feel frustrated, anxious, or even angry because we want to be seen accurately and fairly. We want our intentions to be understood, and when that doesn’t happen, it can feel like a loss of control over how we’re perceived.

But here’s the thing I’ve come to realize: We can’t always control how others see us. And while logically we may know that to be true, it’s okay to struggle to believe that in your emotional body. That’s a sign that you have an internal core belief that needs to be unravelled and reprogrammed.

Because, when you get right down to it, what we can control is how we respond internally. Instead of focusing on correcting every misunderstanding or proving ourselves to others, we can focus on affirming our own truth. We can remind ourselves that our integrity doesn’t depend on someone else’s understanding or approval.

This doesn’t mean it’s easy to let go, especially if you’re someone who values clear communication and being understood on your own terms. But it does mean that you have the power to choose how much energy you invest in situations where you feel misunderstood. You can decide whether it’s worth trying to clarify or if it’s better to let it go and move on, knowing that your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s perception.

In the case of the woman at the intersection, I had to let it go because I had no other choice. But in doing so, I also had to remind myself that her opinion of me doesn’t change who I am. I know I’m responsible. I know I did the right thing. And that has to be enough.

For those of you reading this who struggle with being misunderstood, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s a common human experience to want to be seen and understood, and it’s natural to feel frustrated when that doesn’t happen. But remember that you have the power to choose how you respond. You don’t have to let someone else’s misunderstanding define you. You don’t have to give away your peace just because someone else doesn’t see the full picture.

Instead, focus on what you can control. Focus on living in alignment with your values and celebrate the moments when you do. And when you find yourself in a situation where you feel misunderstood, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re the only one who truly knows your intentions. Hold onto that truth, and let the rest go.

Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is not whether others see you perfectly—it’s whether you see yourself clearly and live in a way that honors that truth.

I’ve been struggling with a significant flare up of my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis for the past few months, with heavy brain fog and profound fatigue. I’m sleeping 12 - 15 hours per day, while barely being able to do anything with the waking hours that I have because my energy and mental capacity is so low.

The smallest of tasks (like eating or showering) seem monumental.

Sure, it sucks and I’m not a fan of how the last few months have been. But, as it always seems to be in situations like this, I’ve found some insight.

I realized that I was seeing self-care as transactional. 

I do this for myself so that I can then do that. I lie down with earplugs and an eyeshade for 20 minutes so that I can teach an hour-long virtual workshop. I mindfully drink a cup of tea before a session with a client to rest my brain so that I can ask really good questions and help them come up with deeper ah-ha moments.

It was almost always this for that.

Essentially, I was resting in order to hack the system (a.k.a. me) to get more productivity from myself. Truly, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was manipulating my energy to get what I (and my high achiever) wanted.

This realization landed on me like a ton of bricks. 

I have a deeply ingrained belief that self-care is only valid when it leads to something productive for others. And I doubt that I’m alone in this belief. Many of us have likely absorbed this belief without even realizing it. The concept of self-care as transactional is pervasive in our society, stemming from various cultural, social, and systemic influences that teach us to prioritize others over ourselves. 

Let's explore how different systems contribute to this mindset and why it’s so important to shift our understanding of self-care from being transactional to being intrinsic.

The understanding of self-care as transactional often begins in childhood. Whether it’s the subtle cues from family members, societal expectations, or the environments we grow up in, we’re taught that our worth is tied to what we can produce or how we can serve others.

Logically you can tell yourself that self-care isn’t selfish, but necessary. But the system keeps telling us otherwise and reinforces this with several societal structures.

Of course, these structures can be both serving and sabotaging. It’s up to us to learn what that spectrum looks like and decide how to bring these elements into the right balance for us.

One of the most significant influences on how we view self-care is capitalism. From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that our value lies in our productivity. We are praised for working hard, sacrificing sleep, and pushing through fatigue to achieve goals. Rest and self-care are often seen as indulgences rather than necessities, and the idea of taking time for oneself without a clear "return on investment" can feel selfish or unproductive. In this system, rest is only justified if it leads to more work, creating a cycle where self-care is never truly about care—it's about efficiency.

This was one of my biggest hang-ups that kept me stuck in this view of self-care being transactional. I would rest so that I could do more for my business and my partner. I wasn’t resting because that’s what my body needed. I wasn’t resting to be compassionate to myself. It was really just a means to a hopefully more productive end.

I know it’s another feminist talking about the patriarchy. The truth is, though, that patriarchal structures often impose the expectation that people, particularly women and those socialized as caregivers, should prioritize the needs of others above their own. Care work, whether in the form of:

is often unpaid or underpaid, and undervalued. This reinforces the idea that one’s self-care is less important than caring for others. Of course this leads to internalized beliefs that taking time for oneself is selfish unless it serves the greater good. Which only further entrenches the transactional nature of self-care.

Many religious and cultural teachings emphasize self-sacrifice as a virtue. While these teachings can provide a sense of purpose and community, they can also reinforce the idea that taking care of oneself is secondary to serving others. In some traditions, the notion of "dying to self" or putting others first is highly valued, leading individuals to deprioritize their own needs in the name of duty, service, or spiritual growth.

This is one that requires a lot of self-reflection to find the right balance for you. What may be balanced for me, might seem out of balance for you. So take some time with this one before jumping to conclusions or being pressured into a belief system.

Our education system often prioritizes achievement over well-being. From a young age, children are rewarded for good grades, athletic achievements, and other forms of external validation. Rarely is there an emphasis on emotional intelligence, mental health, or self-care. This focus on achievement teaches us to measure our worth by our accomplishments, not by our overall well-being. 

I’m sure all of us remember that one kid in class (or maybe it was you) who was frequently the best. They received bunches of gold stars and praise from the teachers. For some of us, especially my fellow high achievers, this meant we pushed ourselves to be like that person. We wanted the recognition in some form from our peers, teachers, family etc.

As adults, this can manifest as an inability to rest or take care of ourselves unless it leads to further success.

Hobbies are for personal development - not just fun for the sake of fun.

When self-care is seen as a transaction, it becomes just another item on the to-do list. It loses its true purpose—nurturing and sustaining us—and instead becomes a means to an end. This approach can lead to burnout, chronic stress, and a deep disconnect from our own needs.

For those of us who are high achievers, the tendency to view self-care as a productivity hack is particularly strong. We rest just enough to get back to work, rather than resting to truly recharge and nurture ourselves. Over time, this approach takes a toll on our physical, mental, and emotional health.

Also, the belief that we must always be available for others can lead to resentment and a sense of depletion. When we deprioritize our own self-care, we are not only doing a disservice to ourselves but also to those we care for. When our energy is constantly depleted, we can’t show up fully for others, and the quality of our relationships and work suffers.

Again, logically we know this, but it can be harder to have our emotional body agree. So how do we start to shift this view of self-care as transactional?

For me, the first step was planning my day around my self-care instead of my work. 

Usually I’d write up my to-do list for the day, and then see where I could squeeze in self-care. 

Now, though, I’m being very strategic with what tasks I give myself. I’m giving myself permission to rest, take a break, sit outside or snuggle a kitty. All of the work isn’t going to get done today no matter how much I work at it.

Adjusting this expectation hasn’t been easy. But it’s already making a big difference in my self-talk. Instead of feeling panicked about needing to go back to sleep at 9 am and worrying about how much time I’m going to lose…well, I just sleep because I clearly need it.

Absolutely I still have some internal beliefs to work through  that have been taught and perpetuated by capitalism, patriarchy, culture and my upbring. But for now, I’m liking where this new plan is taking me. So I’m going to follow it for a while and see where we end up.

In the meantime, I encourage you to take a moment to think about how the four societal structures:

influence your perspective on self-care. Think of what is serving and sabotaging about these factors - and then decide which course correction you’re going to start with.