Feeling down and out, like life's throwing you too many punches? 

This is for you.

Have you ever had that moment where you suddenly feel like the clouds have parted, the sun in warming your face again and you have some of your hope restored?

Hope that you didn't even realize you had lost?

That's exactly what happened to me recently and in this week's episode I tell you what happened and give you the perfect song to dance to and help bring out this feeling.

Because the hope you’re searching for might be just around the corner like it was for me.

Trigger Warning: suicidal ideation, secondary suicide, self-harm, drugs, opioid crisis

When it gets dark and all feels too much, please keep fighting for yourself. I want to meet you someday, so don't go anywhere until then.

For crisis line information in your country please look here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

At the beginning of this year, I was getting pretty excited that this would be the year I was going to change my name legally and fully become Avery.

But I hesitated, and last night in my journaling session I discovered why.

I am the queen of double standards. 

It’s easy for me to excuse forgetfulness, mistakes, or the harmful words and actions of others and say “well they’re just doing the best they can.” But when it comes to the times that I forget, that I made a mistake, that I said something wrong or hurtful, or that I did something I know I shouldn’t have done - well … I can be terrible to myself.

Can you relate?

“I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m sending you some love. I know we don’t know each other, and I know it may not be easy, but I do know you will figure out a way to get through this.”

I chose my words very carefully because: number one, I know the power of words and the importance of meaning what you say and saying what you mean. And number two: I hate being told “you’re stronger than you know.”

Let me tell you why.

I have a confession to make.

To be honest so far I’ve been playing it safe. Sharing carefully crafted vulnerable stories is a safe space for me.

In this episode, though, I’m going to share my opinion on something that might be a bit controversial. And that scares the shit out of me. My inner people pleaser who doesn’t like to rock the boat is not a fan of what I’m about to talk about - but I’m going to do it scared, because that’s what I do.

I have a lantern tattoo on my right arm, and although it is beautiful, my favorite part is that the glass in the lantern is broken. The little winding cracks in the glass are very intentional and I want to share why.

In this episode I share a very vulnerable moment of me fully experiencing the loss, grief, shame, guilt and resentment of the effects of having a chronic illness and disability. I share the thing that shifted for me to help me to move forward, as well as the song that inspired the change.