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In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits and Morons:

1. Stroke victim, stroke lover Donald J Trump denies signing Epstein Birthday Book - “It must've been the Autopen!”
2. Charlie Kirk shot dead in Utah - Second Amendment 1, First Amendment 0
3. Russia downplays sending drones into Poland - "When have we EVER invaded Poland, apart from 981, 1013, 1017, 1018, 1022, 1030-31, 1065-69, 1076-77, 1092, 1120-1125, 1142-3, 1163, 1182-83, 1192, 1507-8, 1512-1522, 1534-1537, 1561-1570, 1577-1582, 1605, 1606, 1607-09, 1609-18, 1632-1634, 1654-1667, May-July 1792, March-November 1794, 1806-7, June-Dec 1812, 1812-1814, 1830-31, 1863-1864 or 1865, 1905-1907, 1918 (or 1919)-1921, and September-October 1939??”
4. Plus, ICE busts Korea smuggling $7.6b worth of investment into America! - “EVs are for eunuchs, Park Kim-ssi!”

All this and so much more of the hellscape (aka week) that's been: 

• House Speaker Mike “Throbbin’” Johnson plans one last score - But is it one BJ too far?
• US farmers cop the Chinese Triple Squeeze - Right in the Soybeans! Slaves, make them stop! Please!!
• What is it with Qatar and planes? - This time Israel pays a visit and it’s Hamas in the exit row. But Don’t Look Back In Anger, folks, Bibi’s Middle East tour is a sellout!
• US jobs report a disaster! - Even handjobs are down! Will Trump re-open Epstein Island to assist?
• Pete Hegseth renames Department of Defense yet again - "Department of Day Drinking is proper manly!"
• Bill Clinton disputes key details of alleged Trump undercover paedo recruitment - "I called him Don, not ‘Donald’”
• US K-12 Violence Report or US K-12 Shooting Database? - THE key issue in the dead American schoolkids crisis FINALLY resolved!

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee. (Hercules meant to help with the labour but won’t work with Cretans) 

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Produced, mixed, compiled, edited by Junior - with extra huge thanks this week!

Financial advice courtesy, Leon Black. Just don’t invest in his reputation - it’s gone

Additional editing on 'Nobody Trumps it Better' by Donald J Trump

Also produced, arranged, performed, engineered, mixed, recorded, supervised by Donald J Trump

Music & Lyrics by Donald J Trump (limited thanks: M Hamlisch, C Bayer Sager)

No thanks to Carly Simon who turned me down in 1978 her career is a total disaster in the toilet now anyway I'd never have her play any of my hotels

Digital design & social media by Guantanamo Babe

Instant Experts legal counsel by Alan Dershowitz (behind Pierogi stand, Martha's Vineyard, Sundays 11-3pm)

The End of "The Spy Who Sucks Me" - but Donald Trump will

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