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This week, the Crooks, F*ckwits & Morons line up in their traditional 4-3-3 formation, as we celebrate the start of the world Festival of Fooootball:
1. Trump slips a fart past the keeper and a shart past the diaper in another explosive press conference!
2. Meanwhile, NBC's attacking centre-mid Kristin Welker bamboozles the USA’s ageing right winger with confusingly simple questions about elections!
3. Dynasty sweeper-keeper Linda Evansyahu plays out from the back before declaring Total Football on The Colbys
4. And the hapless Wests Tigers slump to a 68-0 defeat - which is disastrous whether it’s soccer, rugby league, curling or hurling!
Grab the nachos, dip and a frosty can of Labatt’s as we review the form of all the key players:
• Alexis Trumpington: this box-to-box midfielder runs one way then the other all day. Confident she’ll beat Iran for the 39th time this summer
• Blake “The Ayatollah” Carrington: smooth as silk on his best days, this enigmatic performer tends to go missing in the big games
• Keir Starmer: showed early promise but now unclear on his best position. Is it centre forward, left back - or do we need a replacement from the bench?
• Anthony Albanese: dour midfielder naively hoping for magic from Australia’s error-prone, deep-lying playmaker, JE Chalmers
• Anika Wells: Aussie Sports Minister looked a certain starter for The Socceroos before a breach of team protocol saw her left at home
It’s another bumper episode of Instant Experts, in which we try to pick a winner from a whole bunch of losers:
• Belfast tries radical Cup-eve tactics change with racial violence replacing traditional sectarian approach. Will the coach get knifed like that poor bastard on the street?
• Small child who witnessed repeated Wests Tigers slaughter misses the World Cup to go to Gaza for rehab: “I’d love to watch the pool stage - and Round 15 - but I need to focus on my recovery”
• Victorian State coach Jacinta Allan parks the bus with a 5 man backline of C, F, M, E and U, and just the one striker: a convicted child molester but hey, he was ALP Footballer of the Year
• Meanwhile NSW Premier Chris Minns is controversially left out of the episode after talking way too much common sense about the effects of excessive tax on revenue and the market for illegal tobacco
All in the comedy podcast with the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk and Henry Lee (Vic Dept of Families, Fairness & Housing on stress leave from that time they had to work in the office (10:04-1049am, Tues April 9, 2003))
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Audio episode produced, mixed and compiled by Junior
Video episode designed, assembled and edited by the Guantanamo Babe
Digital design and social media also by Guantanamo Babe
Episode edited by Honk, with assistance from Tallahassee Regional Airport Male Toilets Cubicle 7's Austin Franco (shh, don't tell him Honk's a k*ke!). 24/7 c*caine by Mohamed Skaf. Award-winning childcare by Cameron Bloomfield
Thanks to Limestone Digital, Prague, for the proofreading
No thanks to that little Tigers shit with the Sharks fan sister for being the f*cking kiss of death
Full performance by Tony Award winner Joshua Henry of song from the musical 'Ragtime' on NPR's 'Tiny Desk' is here (starts at 16:23): https://youtu.be/1XQtMnPz1AQ?si=7lx0ogXLytfxdfGc&t=983
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