Buckle up, babies, because this week the Idiot Parade is long, loud, and carb‑heavy.

We start in California, where a man is accused of stealing Legos and replacing them with… pasta. Yes. Pasta. We are talking elbow macaroni where a Millennium Falcon should be. We don’t know if he thought the cashier was nearsighted or if he just believed in the power of gluten, but we are offended on behalf of every child who has ever stepped on a brick barefoot.

Then we head to Michigan, where a judge caught a woman driving during her Zoom court hearing. Not parked. Not pulled over. Driving. We are sitting there watching her try to explain herself and all we can say is: ma’am, this is a courtroom, not a carpool lane.

Next stop: Florida — of course — where a woman is facing charges after calling 911 from inside a grocery store to report what she believed was an “international breakfast fraud.” We don’t know what that means, but we do know that if you’re calling emergency services over ham, you need to sit quietly with yourself and rethink your choices.

And finally, we land in Oklahoma, where a man is accused of setting multiple grass fires because he “missed being a firefighter.” Sir. There are easier ways to reconnect with your past than committing the exact emergency you want to respond to. Therapy exists. Hobbies exist. Controlled burns supervised by professionals exist. But no — he said, “Let me light up the prairie like it’s a scented candle.”

Join us as we laugh, cry, and ask the eternal question: why are people like this?

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