This week in stupid, we are taking a deep breath, centering ourselves, and diving headfirst into the shallow end of the gene pool — because apparently that’s where the action is.

First up, we’ve got an LA officer who decided disability leave was the perfect time to go skydiving. Yes, skydiving. Because nothing says “I’m injured” like hurling yourself out of a plane for funsies. We’re not saying the math ain’t mathing… but the math is absolutely not mathing.

Then we head to Pennsylvania, where a man attempted to kill spiders by setting multiple fires, which shockingly resulted in… wait for it… a fire. Homes damaged, spiders unbothered, and one man who clearly needed to sit down and ask himself, “Is this who I want to be in the world?”

Meanwhile, near Atlanta, a child brought a martini to school. A martini. Not a juice box, not a Capri Sun — a full cocktail. And now police are asking parents to double‑check lunchboxes, because apparently we’ve reached the point where kindergarteners are showing up like they’re on their third divorce.

And finally, we wrap up in North Carolina, where a rancher found himself in a showdown with a spinning car wash and a whole lot of fencing wire. But instead of panicking, he brought the kind of calm, joyful energy we wish we could bottle. If only everyone faced disaster with that level of “Welp, guess this is happening.”

Join us as we laugh, sigh, and lovingly roast the week’s finest foolishness — because somebody has to hold the line for common sense, and it might as well be us.

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This week’s Idiot of the Week lineup is so chaotic, so deeply unnecessary, so aggressively Florida that we had to take a moment, breathe deeply, and ask the universe, “Is this a test? Are we being punked? Did Mercury moonwalk into retrograde again?”

We kick things off with a Florida man who allegedly decided that every white car he saw needed a personal hammer consultation. Not red cars, not blue cars—just white ones. Because nothing says “I have a plan” like selective vehicular vengeance.

Then we slide right into the job market, where some applicants are apparently opening their cold emails with the phrase, “my name is in the Epstein files.” We don’t know if this is a bold strategy, a cry for help, or someone misunderstanding what “stand out from the crowd” means, but we are holding them gently in the light while also begging them to stop.

Next up: a Florida inmate who allegedly used an air vent to get pregnant. An air vent. We have questions. Many questions. None of them have answers that will bring us peace.

And finally, a woman accused of using ChatGPT to research her murders. Not her taxes. Not her recipes. Not her resume. Her murders. We are tired. We are concerned. We are laughing because the alternative is screaming into a throw pillow.

Through it all, we bring the compassion, the righteous side‑eye, and the kind of laughter that makes you wonder if you’re okay. (You are. Probably.)

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We are back in the Idiot of the Week saddle, holding hands, breathing deeply, and reminding ourselves that humanity is trying its best… even when the evidence suggests otherwise.

We start with Raising Cane’s, which is suing because the landlord wants to evict them because the building smells like chicken. Yes—the chicken restaurant smells like chicken. We cannot stress enough how much this feels like someone discovering water is wet and immediately calling their lawyer.

Then we head to Colorado, where a man who stole two English Bulldog puppies has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years! We love justice, but we also need to know what those puppies look like because we suspect they could get anyone to commit a misdemeanor.

Next, we take a detour into the world of “documentaries,” where the creators of the film, Melania, allegedly stole an Oscar-nominated score. Not borrowed. Not inspired by. Stole. Because nothing says “authentic storytelling” like swiping someone else’s music and hoping nobody notices.

And finally—because Florida refuses to be outdone—a man tried to smuggle a thermos into jail by placing it in his rectum. A thermos. Not a key. Not a note. Not a tiny object. A thermos. We are sending love, light, and a very firm “no” to everyone involved.

We bring the wit, the compassion, the side‑eye, and the laughter you need to survive a world where people keep making these choices.

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We are coming in HOT today because Kookoo Land has out‑Kookoo’d itself again, and we need to talk about it before somebody sprains a brain cell trying to keep up.

First up: State Rep. James Talaricho won the Texas democratic primary for U.S. Senate. Meanwhile, since the start of 2025, the Democrats have flipped NINE Republican‑held seats while the Republicans have flipped exactly zero, which is also the number of coherent statements coming out of their leadership meetings.

Speaking of incoherent: the Senate Republicans rejected a war powers resolution to block President Trump, even though the reasons for attacking Iran change more often than a toddler’s favorite color. And now some Republicans are finally telling Representative Gonzales of Texas to drop out of his primary, which is wild because they usually love to support accused harrasers.

Then we get to the Big Tech “pledge,” which Trump apparently signed to cover data‑center electricity costs. We are asking the important legal question: Is a pledge even a thing? Or is it just a pinky swear with paperwork?

Also in today’s parade of nonsense: Karoline Leavett attacked Kaitlin Collins for the crime of… reporting military deaths. As in, reporting them at all. We cannot make this up. Kookoo Land is writing its own satire at this point.

But wait—hold our emotional support beverages—because the bird‑legged ho is OUT! The Secretary of Homeland Security is being replaced, but apparently she gets to keep her official homeland- security- Ad-horse. We have questions. Many. None answered.

And finally, the most important news of the week: Who is watching “Hit Me Baby One More Time” Brittany?! 

Because in Kookoo Land, every headline is wilder than the last—and you deserve the whole delicious mess.

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This week, we are blessed—and we do mean blessed—with a buffet of human foolishness so rich it should come with a warning label and a side of ranch.

We kick things off with a woman who said, “You know what the food industry needs? More squirrels. And less licensing.” Because nothing says “culinary innovation” like a mobile, unregulated, rodent‑based pop‑up. We have questions. We have concerns. We have… rabies pamphlets.

Then we move on to a man who managed to stay on the run for sixteen years—only to get caught because he just had to show up at the Olympics. Sir. Sweetie. Baby. You evaded law enforcement for almost two decades and then said, “But my team needs me”? That’s not patriotism. That’s stupidity with a flag on it.

Next up: an Ohio Senate candidate who decided to fund his campaign by stealing from the Fraternal Order of Police. Let’s pause. Let’s breathe. Let’s appreciate the sheer audacity of robbing the people whose literal job is “catching people who rob.” This is not a campaign. This is a cry for help.

And finally, a Maryland couple caught in the act at an Applebee’s parking lot—not in Florida, which frankly feels like a missed branding opportunity. We’re not judging the romance; we’re judging the location. Because nothing says “take me now” like the glow of a half‑priced apps sign and the faint smell of microwaved spinach artichoke dip.

Join us as we break it all down with love, laughter, and the deep, abiding belief that humanity will always find new ways to disappoint—and entertain—us.

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Gather close, because this week the foolishness is not just flowing — it is gushing like a busted fire hydrant on a July afternoon.

We kick things off with two teens who set out to commit a heist — excuse us, a “hiest” — and honestly, we have to give them points for effort. Because unlike half the grown fools we cover, these babies had a plan. A written plan. A documented plan. A plan so detailed it could’ve been a PowerPoint… if they could spell. And you know what, we’re not judging — we’ve all had a dream we couldn’t spell.

Then we slide over to New Jersey, where a man called the police — not to confess, not to apologize, not even to negotiate — but to brag about escaping a police chase. Sir. Sweetheart. Pumpkin. If you have to call the cops to tell them you got away… you did not get away.

Next up, Florida said, “Hold my cinnamon roll,” and delivered a woman who took a joyride through Target with booze, sushi, and pastries like she was starring in her own personal episode of Supermarket Sweep: DUI Edition. And honestly, we salute the commitment to a theme. Booze, sushi, cinnamon rolls — that’s not a crime spree, that’s a vibe.

And finally, we close with a Florida couple who turned a pickleball court into the Thunderdome, dragging over 20 people into a brawl so heated it probably raised the humidity. Because nothing says “love” like tag-teaming your neighbors over a plastic ball and a line call.

Join us as we laugh, cry, pray, and ask the universe once again: Why are people like this? And more importantly…why are they like this in public????

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Baby, gather close, because this week’s Idiot Parade came through with sparks, smoke, breadcrumbs, big-cat foolishness, and a Little Caesars crime spree that absolutely nobody asked for.

We kick things off in Florida — of course we do — where a man was arrested for DUI while actively driving a car that was ON FIRE. Flames. Shooting. Out. The. Hood. And this man said, “Let me just finish this errand real quick.” We are amazed, we are concerned, and we are deeply impressed by the level of denial required to ignore your own vehicle becoming a mobile bonfire.

Then we meet a dynamic duo of dumb who tried to make off with stolen goods but left behind a trail — an actual, literal trail — that led police straight to their door. Hansel and Gretel walked so these fools could sprint.

Next up, a woman who decided the perfect moment for a selfie was while standing next to a SNOW LEOPARD. A whole apex predator. A creature whose job description is “beautiful murder floof.” And she said, “Let me get my angles.” We cannot.

And finally, a North Carolina man who broke into a Little Caesars not to steal money, not to vandalize, but to… make pizzas. And sell them. Out the back. Like some kind of illegal Hot‑N‑Ready speakeasy. We have questions. We have concerns. We also have to admire the entrepreneurial spirit, misguided though it may be.

Join us as we laugh, sigh, pray, and marvel at the human condition — one terrible decision at a time.

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Oh honey… this week? This week the universe said, “Let’s test the limits of human decision-making,” and these fools delivered.

We kick things off in France, where a 24‑year‑old man walked into a hospital with a live World War I artillery shell lodged where the sun don’t shine. And when we say “live,” we mean the doctors had to evacuate the building because this man turned his bootyhole into an active war zone. We’re talking Call of Duty: Colon Ops.

Then we glide over to a 21‑year‑old man who stole a car… and then called the police because he wanted his personal items back from inside the car he stole. Baby, if you’re gonna be a criminal, you cannot also be a customer. Pick a lane.

Next up, Florida—because of course. A man is now facing felony battery charges for throwing a ketchup packet at someone. A ketchup packet. We are out here ruining lives over condiments. This is why we can’t have nice things, like emotional regulation.

And finally, China said, “Hold our herbal tea.” A man went to a cybercafé for acupuncture—already a choice—and ended up in the ICU with punctured lungs. Sir… acupuncture is not a DIY project. If your acupuncturist is also rebooting the Wi‑Fi, that’s your sign to leave.

Join us as we break down the chaos, uplift the foolish, and ask the eternal question: Why? Just… why?

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Baby… BABY. Gather ‘round, because this week the universe said, “Frances, Angela, we’re gonna test your faith in humanity,” and we said, “Oh honey, that ship sailed three idiots ago.”

We kick things off in Prior Lake, where a woman was arrested carrying a bag boldly labeled “Definitely not a bag full of drugs.” And you know what? We appreciate the commitment to branding. We do. But labeling your contraband like it’s a middle‑school science project is not the criminal mastermind energy the moment requires.

Then we slide—unwillingly—into the story of a man who inserted a live leech into his bladder as a “folk remedy.” For what ailment? We don’t know. We don’t WANT to know. What we do know is that if your medical plan includes “insert wildlife,” you need to log off the internet and call literally any adult.

Next up, Kentucky said, “Hold my moonshine,” because a man woke up during his organ harvesting procedure. Yes, you heard us. Woke. Up. During. The. Harvest. He was supposed to be dead, y’all. Supposed to be! We are officially out of words, but not out of side‑eye.

And finally, we take a scenic detour with a bus driver who decided that schedules, routes, and basic employment expectations were merely suggestions. Instead of taking passengers to their destination, this driver took them on an unsanctioned mystery tour. Because nothing says “public transit” like being kidnapped at 25 miles per hour.

Join us as we laugh, cry, clutch our pearls, and try—TRY—to understand how these people are out here living free while we’re still afraid to jaywalk.

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Idiot of the Week: “Y’all… We Are Not Okay.”  

Baby, gather close, because this week the universe said, “Frances, Angela… hold my drink.” And we did. And now we regret it.

We kick things off at the Grand Geneva Resort, where a raccoon literally fell through the ceiling and some guest decided they were the chosen one to wrangle woodland wildlife with their bare hands. Because nothing says “vacation” like volunteering as tribute in a live‑action remake of Nope.

Then we slide over to StubHub, which apparently took a heavy metal band and a Christian spiritual about the birth of Jesus, threw them both in a blender, and hit “mystery smoothie.” They apologized… ish. We’re still trying to figure out how you confuse “Silent Night” with “Scream Until Your Eyeballs Bleed,” but okay.

Next up, a 38‑year‑old man who said, “I may be drunk, but I can still cosplay as law enforcement.” Spoiler: he could not. Charges were pressed, dignity was not.

And because the week wasn’t unhinged enough, a hospital told a woman’s family she had “checked out,” when in fact she had passed away. We don’t know who needs to hear this, but death is not a Marriott rewards program.

Finally, we arrive at Lancaster County, where a man was found with over 100 dead bodies. One hundred. We don’t even have jokes here. We’re just blinking. Hard.

Join us as we process, roast, uplift, and pray for humanity—because clearly, we’re all on the struggle bus, and this week it’s missing several wheels.

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