Is your child fitting in or truly belonging? (photo: pixabay)

Hi there,

A week or two into the new school year, friendship groups are starting to form. Your child might be telling you about who they sit with at lunch or which kids they play with at recess.

Here's an important question: are they truly belonging in these groups, or just trying to fit in?

Brené Brown makes an important distinction between just fitting in and truly belonging. She writes:

Fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted.

Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are;
it requires us to be who we are.

Why This Matters for Your Child

Belonging gives us a sense of security because we feel known and valued. Trying to fit in, on the other hand, makes us feel anxious and constantly on edge because we sense that if we slip up, we're out.

Understanding this difference is crucial for making wise choices about who we spend our time with.

Questions to Help You Assess Your Child's Friendship Group

In my book Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem, I offer a list of questions you can talk through with your child to help them figure out if a group is a good fit:

• What do you have in common with them?

• How do you feel when you're with them?

• To what extent do you feel like you have to hide or change what you think or do to be accepted by them?

• Do they seem interested in what you think or feel, or do their opinions seem to matter more than yours?

• Can you relax around them, or do you feel like you have to be careful of what you say or do?

• Do you find yourself pretending around them?

• Do they bring out the best or the worst in you?

• When you make a mistake or do something that's not perfect, how do they respond?

• If you were upset about something, how would they react?

• How do the people in this group usually treat each other?

• How do they treat people who are not in this group?

• Do you like who you are when you're with them?

Why Our Kids Cling to Familiar But Not-so-Good Groups

Sometimes kids stick with a not-so-good group because they don't want to be left out, or they're afraid of being alone. Sometimes they do it because it seems easier than trying to find a new group.

But the emotional cost of staying in a group where they don't truly belong can be high. They can end up feeling hurt, resentful, inadequate, and even more lonely.

Feeling alone in a crowd is painful. Settling for effortful fitting in also deprives them of genuine friendships because they don’t feel known or valued for who they are.

Sometimes a group that used to work for your child no longer does because they've changed in important ways. It may take time for them to realize this.

Letting go of an old connection can be sad, even if they're happy about the changes in themselves that make that letting go necessary.

Finding New Groups

If your child needs to move on from a group that doesn't work for them, they don't necessarily have to make a big "I'm leaving!" announcement. Maybe less contact works better than no contact. They may also choose to stay in touch with some members of the group but not others.

You can help your child find a new group by looking together for people they could see regularly who share their interests or experiences. Think about what your child enjoys doing that they could do with others. Or maybe try something entirely new that interests them, so they can meet new people.

Individual friends can be a bridge to new friendship groups. Encourage your child to be open to meeting friends of friends. Help them say yes to invitations they receive, and consider helping them invite people they like but don't know that well to get together or join them for an outing.

Finding a new group takes time, effort, and courage, but gaining a sense of genuine belonging is worth it.

Warm wishes,
Eileen

P.S. My Friendship Skills - FOR KIDS! workshop teaches kids how to recognize healthy friendships and build genuine connections where they can truly feel a sense of belonging. Check it out by clicking the link below!

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