Miles loses the best teacher he ever had, while Bob mourns a friend, but talks about the fun times.

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recording is on I can’t believe it Hey, everyone. This is Bob’s friend, Miles. Are you? Are you my friend? Yeah. Bye, Brian. I’m Brian. He’s like Harpo Marks. What’s that? He’s like Harpo Marks or something. He’s like Harpo Marks. Oh, he’s staying. Oh, okay. He was going to… It’s the opposite day. He’s doing the opposite. That’s all right. That’s why I like our guests. Quiet, yes. Our audience of one, Brian. Brian. So, Miles, I hate to be bringing the show down from the start, but I have to. Okay. And I’m hoping this will eventually be funny, but it’s going to be pretty sad when I say this. And it’s actually going to be very, very sad for you. But, I mean, it’s very sad for me, but it’s going to be really sad for you. Listen, if you’ve got some tumor or some shit, I don’t want to hear this, man. No, I don’t have a tumor. There’s something on your balls or something. I don’t want to hear it, man. You can save it. No. No.
Did your house burn down again? I didn’t say it was sad for me, not sad like… Your house didn’t burn down again, did it? No, my house didn’t burn down. Thank goodness. What were you holding there, Brian? I didn’t see that. Was that a cup? Oh, my gosh. No. I may cry, so who knows? You may have to just do the rest of the show. Oh, my God. No, I can’t. Come on, man. You can’t set this up like this. I may. I may just drop out. Oh, no. Come on. I’m serious. This is a total serious statement. Maybe go with a different topic. I’m just saying, you know, hey. No, no. I’ve committed myself to doing this. I think it’s the right thing to do. Everyone, I’m sorry right now. I cannot control this. So I have no idea what this is about to happen. My friend, Mark. Yeah.
Has passed away. He died. What? I told you it was going to be very sad for you. Oh, wow. This is… Okay, I don’t want to bring this up, but is this the guy that was shirtless when I went to your apartment that one time? Yes. That Mark. Well, I’ve not seen this gentleman but once, and he made quite an impression. Well, and I’ve known him pretty much my whole life. Right, right. Well, I’m sorry, Bob. I’m sorry, man. Well, I’m not really looking for sympathy. I’m trying to do something. What do you want me to make jokes about the dead guy? I mean, what do you want? Do I show sympathy or make jokes about a dead guy? I mean, what do you want? I don’t know. No, I don’t want you to make jokes about a dead guy. No, I just – it really is one of those weird –
life experiences to have someone who is your contemporary. Yeah. I went to school. I went to school since first grade with this guy. And then he’s my friend, you know, beyond during that time. And then beyond that time, now I, we don’t live in the same town. I haven’t lived in the same town for quite some time. Right. So I was more friends with him during school. And then just after school, um, And then I moved away, and so you kind of get distant and what have you. Yeah. But he was a character and a half, right? Yeah. And Miles knows because he was a rather large person. Yes. And even in the wintertime, he would not have his shirt fully buttoned. I don’t remember what time of year I saw this gentleman, but yes, his shirt was completely undone. I don’t know if I saw his areole, but maybe, I don’t know. I was trying to avert my eyes at that point. He was very comfortable with his body. Yes, he was. And to be fair and to be honest, although you may disagree with me,
He wasn’t an ugly, he didn’t have an ugly body. I mean, he was large, but he wasn’t like… I mean, you with your shirt open is disgusting. Well, I have a scar from my sternum down to my belly button, so yeah, that is not completely sexy, no. Have you ever seen the movie Crash? No. Maybe you should watch it. Maybe you’ll feel like you are sexy if you watch that movie. But, I mean, he was always very tan. Yes, he was dark, as I recall, yes. I mean, like, you know, very evenly, you know, kind of George Hamilton kind of tan, if you know who George Hamilton is. Yeah. And, you know, he was obviously very comfortable with himself. He kind of looked like Hillbilly Jim from pro wrestling, I guess, if you’re into pro wrestling. Yeah, when you saw him, I think he did have facial hair.
Yes, he definitely had facial hair, yes. Yeah, I grew up with him. He didn’t have facial hair when he was younger. Like you guys were opposites. You were kind of the twink with no hair. And he was kind of like the bear with like a lot of hair. Okay, yes. Well, I’m just saying. That’s a fair assessment. It’s a fair assessment. I’m just saying. Okay, I’m sorry. But I thought it would be nice tonight to tell a few funny stories about my good friend Mark. And, you know, I miss him. I’m going to miss him a lot. I mean, I didn’t get to see him as much, you know, in my later adult years, you know, here than I did when I was younger. But, I mean, we had a lot of good times. And so, you know, it’s very sad. It’s extremely sad. I have no idea how or why he died at this point yet. Because, I mean, I just found out about it like less than a week ago. Yeah.
But because he had such an impact on you, having only met you once. Right. I think, yeah, just once. And then, you know, and the fact that you were in disapproval of his lifestyle. I just thought it was a little odd, okay, that I would come over to your house and a gentleman would be half-nude. in your living room and you’re like totally okay with like, oh yeah, that’s just the way he chills out, you know? Yeah. Well, whenever you grow up with that, it does, you know, it makes more sense. Me and my friends never got undressed in front of each other. I’m going to be honest with you. Really? No. Yeah. No, never. Ever? No. Not for money. Not for money. It wouldn’t do it. I can actually think of several occasions where I was undressed in front of my friends.
Honestly. Wow. Huh? Oh yeah. At least half a dozen. You know, I think I know all the chapters out of Bob Lament’s book and yet the more I probe, like there’s more, like there’s more chapters. Oh yeah. Yet to be read. I’m like, Holy cow, this guy’s. Yeah. Or at least not fully clothed. I wouldn’t say totally unclothed, but definitely, well, there’s been some totally unclothed and some, Yeah. Oddly enough, never with Mark. Did you wrestle in your underwear as young men? Brian, you’re killing me, Brian. Brian, you’re killing me. I can’t say totally no, but I can’t think of an exact instance. I know young men. I know young men. Let me tell you. So, but anyway, no, go, I’m sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. So here’s a quick, quick, quick story on Mark and then I’ll turn it over to you. But I wanted to tell at least that one story, um, because I mean, he was a major influence earlier in my life. And so, uh, he, so much like you in a way, he, when I grew up, I was the poor one and he had money.
Yes. And transportation and all the good things to have when you’re, you know, like 16 years old. Hot chicks. That I did not have, right? Right, right. I mean, yeah. I mean, well, he had transportation. So at some point in time, yes, there were women involved because everybody wanted to ride somewhere. Yeah, right. It’s Decatur. You don’t want to walk around Decatur, Illinois. I mean, you do not. You do not want that. You do not. I would, he, we live close to each other. We grew up close to each other, but that’s not saying like it was next door or something. I mean, he literally, he was like a half mile away, but that was close where I lived. You actually lived in a nice area. I’ve seen it. It’s actually nice, but it was about a half mile away. So you couldn’t just wander over. You know what I mean? There’s a little planning involved a lot of times, but anyway, he had a car, he had a truck cause he was a man. And, um,
And so we would go running around in this truck. So he actually had two trucks that he would have access to. One was his work truck, and then he had a flatbed truck, which was a work truck that sometimes he drove. I don’t know why he did, but he did, and we’d just go running around. So he had the… Was it an ice cream van? No, it was a flatbed, like a three-quarter ton truck with a flatbed on the back. I’d been funny if it was like an ice cream truck. Okay, go ahead. With his shirt off? I don’t know. Yeah. I don’t know about that. He wasn’t very hairy, so that was good. I picture him as hairy. I don’t know why. No, his face was hairy, but his body was not hairy. Okay. So anyway, for whatever reason, being the young’uns in rural Illinois…
We were racing everybody, constantly racing. And so, Mark, we’re in a three-quarter ton truck. Another friend is in an old Andy Griffith Galaxy 500. Oh, wow. Yeah. Andy Griffith style. It wasn’t exactly the one that Andy had, but it was a Galaxy 500. And we’re racing through the country roads outside Decatur, Illinois, and And my friend Mark, I never drove because I didn’t have a car. And my friend Mark, we’re going around. There’s all these curves and everything. We come to this curve, and it’s kind of a short kind of S curve kind of thing, and there’s a field that’s been harvested or plowed, whatever you want to say. Nothing was in it. Mark’s like, I’m going to pass him. What? What? Where? Because, I mean, we’re on this country road. It’s barely two cars. He goes straight to the field. We’re going like 50, 60 miles an hour on a country road. Holy crap. On this flatbed. And we get onto the road, and the flatbed goes shooting off. Oh, my God. And it’s laying half on the truck and half on the ground dragging. Holy crap. But we’re in front of my other friend.
We beat him. Yeah. Doesn’t stop there. The craziness doesn’t end there. He slams it into park, hops out by himself, puts the flatbed back on the truck. Oh, my God. He’s a big guy. I’m just sitting there in amazement. They can’t get around us. Hops back in, and we go thundering down the road. Yeah. Insanity. We beat them to their house. I think we’re going to their house. We beat them. Craziness. It’s like a Polish Red Barchetta or something. Well, he wasn’t Polish. I always joked that he was Inuit because he looked like an Eskimo or Samoan, but he was neither. He was German, but anyway. That’s example number one. Example number two. I don’t know why. We’re going somewhere. Yeah. Driving along next to a cornfield. He says, let’s go in the cornfield. And make love. No. Just drive. Fully grown cornfield. I think it was about this time of year just before harvest. Yeah. He drives us into a cornfield at full speed. Oh, my God. Jesus. We start doing donuts. Yes.
He’s gone now, so I can tell all these stories. Yeah, right? Donuts comes shooting out of the cornfield. Luckily, he stops because we stopped right at a guide wire to a telephone pole before we came out of the field. Ooh. Wow. Then he backs up. We take off. We pull into McDonald’s. To go get something to eat. I guess you’re hungry after you blindly drive through a cornfield at high speed. Yeah, no pooling. We get out of the truck, corn stalks hanging off the back bumper. Mm-hmm. Last story. At a party, drinking too much, young, underage, I decide, and you’re going to be amazed by this just because you’ve known me as later days, I’m going to do pull-ups on this doorway. There was a time you could do this? Yes. That’s why I said you’re going to be surprised. Yes. I could do this. Multiple.
You were skinny at one point. Yeah, I was skinny. Old farmhouse the party’s happening at. I go do pull-ups. It’s got this big, fat trim on it, right? Like the old-style, heavy-duty trim. It starts coming out of the wall. Oopsie. And it’s like at about a 30-degree angle when I get done. Yikes. My good friend Mark, you know what he did? He pounded it back in with his fist. He did. He… Pounded the nail in with his hand on both sides. Oh, my God. And no one was the wiser. Wow. And you thought this was a good idea? Not the pounding, no. Yeah. Well, after I pulled the thing out, I didn’t think the pull-ups were that good of an idea either. Was this around the time you had sex in the McDonald’s bathroom? Yeah. It was.
Oh, yeah. All that happened during this time period. Yeah. There’s more than that. Did that lead to you having sex in the McDonald’s, Beth? No, I probably passed out or something. Actually, just to shock you, I’ll say it. I ended up sleeping with my friend Jeff. We just fell asleep. You know what? You talk about this, Jeff, an awful lot off the air. I mean, an awful lot. We just ended up falling asleep in, I think, his bed. Yeah. Well, you know, it was a different time back then, you know. Well, we were tired. We drank too much and then, you know, anyway. Wait, is this the guy that you woke up and he was making love to that girl or something and you’re like, oh, okay. Was that? No, a different guy. Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened as well, but that was a different guy. Yeah. You were into some stuff, man. No, I just happened to be there.
I was, you know, an innocent bystander. That’s how all your stories start. Well, I wasn’t really doing anything. Exactly. I just happened to be there. Okay. All right. But anyway, just three weird, funny, oddball stories about my good friend Mark. Mark, well. You know, he’s gone. Mark has made the show many times. Yeah, he’s a good guy. He’s a fantastic person. You have always defended Mark. He took very good care of me whenever I was in states of not being in good judgment. Yeah. He would step in and tell me, don’t. Don’t. And I’d be like, okay. Because I respected the guy. Right. Yeah. I mean, in hindsight, as we talk about this, I’m like, he could easily be any character, side character in an 80s
movie. But he was. He literally was a side character in an 80s life. Anyhow, I just wanted to do that. I know you would enjoy it. That’s part of the reason. I did. I wanted to say something because, you know, everybody doesn’t get a little time. This is a time capsule. Yeah. For my good friend. Well, you know, he’d sleep with the angel. Well, I’m pretty sure. I’ve only met like three of your friends, I think. Really? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Okay. Well, I don’t know why. Well, because you’re not around. Because I have met the infamous Jeff, I believe, right? Yeah, my good buddy Jeff, yeah. And I’ve seen his character, and then your buddy Yoder, yeah. Yoder, yeah. I haven’t seen Yoder in a while. Yoder, yeah. Well, yeah, I think that’s, yeah. My Amish friend. And you’ve met a few of my friends, so that’s…
Yeah, but they’re assholes. The ones I met are total assholes. Well, not all of them. Well, no, I mean… Some of those guys are assholes. Dan the Weatherman, he’s a nice guy. I know Dan the Weatherman’s cool. We went to your apartment after we’d gone to a strip club down there. Remember that? Yeah, I remember you guys stopped by after the quarter strip club where they just take quarters or something. I don’t know what it was. I had like Lipstick on my cheek and stuff. Oh, my God. And Dan had it on his lips. Who’d have thunk? He might have. He might have, yes. But anyway, so, Miles, what’s going on? I’m sorry. I took a little bit of time there, but I think it’s warranted. I mean, the guy, he’s been a fantastic friend. He kept me from probably dying. He almost made me die a couple times, kept me from dying a few times. What a good friend does.
Right? Yeah. Man, that’s crazy. I actually found out tonight that my old driving instructor just died. Really? Yeah. What was his name? Mr. English. He’s dead now. but it was weird. Good times or what? We did have some good time. No, he was like a coach, you know? Oh, okay. So then he didn’t like you. No, I, yeah. Cause I’m very, you’re very off title. You’re just screwing your life off. Well, no, cause my, my friend, I have a friend named Jeff that I talked to a lot. Your brother doesn’t even know where he’s at. Yeah. And cause Jeff’s like, you know, the coaches used to tell us sports guys, like, don’t hang around with the non-sports people. Do not hang around those losers.
Oh, yeah, well, that’s good advice. Which I trust Jeff. Good advice. Which I don’t, you know. So, yeah, so, yeah, this guy, I don’t know. Well, I guess he didn’t moonlight. He really was the driving instructor, you know. Okay. And he was very down to business. He was very down to business. Like, my friend, like, kinky Catholic, you know, got mouthy with him once. And, you know. That other guy, that asshole guy. uh no no you know what? The guy that you hate so much, uh, he was really a nice guy up until he turned 21 and started drinking alcohol. Then he became a complete asshole. Then he became a whatever and uh you know he’s 21 yeah well yeah he was saying some fairly mean things to you, like thank
which I won’t repeat, but, uh, no, but you know, you, in driving class, you know, you’re like a sophomore here in Illinois and you gotta go to classroom first, all your buddies, you know, you get to skip, uh, you know, gym class and go to this bullshit and, you know, like, it’d be like title. What’s the name of this thing? I’m like, uh, that’s the acceleration ramp. No, I didn’t know. God damn it. No, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I don’t know. I never read the book. I don’t know what it’s called. You know, the ramp, when you get on the highway, what the hell that’s called. I go, I don’t know the acceleration ramp. I don’t know. I got stupid ass. I mean, this dude admittedly used to like large, you’re like load barges and stuff as a young man, you know? So,
Right. Did you call him barge or anything? But no, I didn’t say it was yes, sir. No, sir, man. I, yeah, I didn’t even screw with this dude at all yeah and um so anyway, it came my turn they because they went by age. Of course the, you know, oldest kids got to go first, of course. And then i was, I got to go. And of course you get to skip gym class again, which was like excellent. because I like hate gym class hate hate well apparently you didn’t get naked in front of people. So I avoided it. You just mentioned that earlier. Well, no, because they wanted you to shower, but then they’d give you these little rags to dry off with. Take your own towel. Why didn’t you take your own towel? Come on. No, come on. What are we, a bunch of sportos or something? I mean, come on. I mean, what are you, a golf towel or something like that? Yeah, like these weird orange golf towels.
And these kids, well, I think I told this story before, but these kids would throw them at you when you came out of the shower. And if you didn’t dive to get the stain, you were going to have a wet towel. Yeah, this kid was really weird. I handed him out. He’s like, here, go deep, dude. Here’s your golf towel. Here’s your golf towel, you loser. People used to blow all sorts of. bodily fluids into these things and stuff like that. Oh my gosh, what the i would hate to be the people that had to clean this. No, I saw people blow their nose in this stuff, like, oh. Okay, okay. I go, I don’t know the poor souls that actually have to launder this stuff, but i’m like, uh. Doing it by hand on a rock or anything, are they at a machine, didn’t i would have, like, those gloves you put on when you’re, like, birthing cattle, you know, and stuff, like those elbow all the way up to your armpits, yeah. Yeah, right. Oh my God.
Well, I think I would do that even if they didn’t blow their nose. I mean, rubbing on your nuts and your butt. Oh, yeah. I saw people. I don’t want any towel that you’ve touched your genitals with. Come on. I saw people really drying themselves off a lot. You stayed here. We burned towels when you stayed. Yeah. I didn’t like gym class. I didn’t like it. So what’s this got to do with your driving instructor pass? So anyway, so all right. So you’re supposed to drive with like two or three other people or I don’t know, two other people. And within the first week, like they all bailed out. It was like just me and this guy. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what happened. These people just like disappeared. They all changed days. They’re like, oh, my God, that’s the golf towel weirdo.
Yeah, that’s that weird kid that doesn’t like to… Weird kid with orange golf towels that he was rubbing himself with. Once there was a boy who… No, but I was like… It was weird because instead of driving, half of it was like… All right, title. He’s always clearing his throat like me. He’s like, we got to go to the drugstore. I got to get some things. Okay. All right. Yeah. All right, stop here. I’ll be out in half an hour. You know, I’m like, oh, okay. I’m checking out the magazines that come in on Tuesdays. Yeah, I’ve got to mail my letters, my tax refund. You know, I’ve got to mail that stuff. Let’s go to the post office. Oh, okay. All right. I told my wife I’d get milk. Could we stop by? All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, we’ll get milk.
Yeah. I mean, my God, I was like, this guy’s Aaron boy, you know, like, okay. All right. What are you doing anyway? You’re not doing anything. I, well, as long as I got a gym class, here’s an orange towel to keep you company while I go. There you go. There you go. There’s tally. He’ll be your buddy while I’m inside. Don’t get scared. I know you’re half a sissy. You know that. That’s what I say. So, and, uh, No, I don’t know. He got talking about some weird stuff one time, though. He goes, oh, you ever hear about guys wearing makeup before? I’m like… Kiss? You mean like kiss? No, no. No, this is like early 80s, you know what I’m saying? Pre-Boy George kind of situation? Yeah, right. Culture club? I don’t know if that day will ever come. I’ll tell you that right now. I’ll kill those
anybody. That’s great. That guy has passed on. Is this a happy moment? I actually learned some stuff from him. Some good driving tips from him. I learned how to get my errands done while I was working. I learned how to get my laundry done for free if I didn’t mind. It was with snotty orange towels. Yeah, I don’t even want to know what else was in those freaking towels. I learned all about Foundation and getting my eyes to pop, the smoke eye. Yeah, I don’t even know where that came from, man. I don’t know. Maybe he’s watching some Cure videos or something. I have no idea what brought that conversation up. I’m so sorry. Tidal, what do you think about that? What do you think about Robert Smith and the Cure?
It’s going to be a goddamn cold day in hell before I see a kid wearing that crap. You’re right, Mr. English. You’re right, man. Oh, my goodness. Well. Yes. I don’t know. Yeah, but yeah. So, yeah. I don’t know. It doesn’t sound like it was Mr. Good Times. You know, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, actually. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Yeah, I don’t know. A lot of teachers really didn’t like me, so actually I’d put this guy more towards the top, I think. Really? Okay. Yeah. That’s great. Yeah. You’re not a sport guy, and he’s the coach and tells all the sport guys to stay away from people like you. Yeah, I was like very emo or something. Yeah, I don’t know what I was. I don’t know what I was. I wasn’t into sports. I was going to say bad.
but maybe that’s not. No, I was kind of more grunge than anything else. Yeah, well, that’s just because everybody bailed out of the car because you stunk. I know, I know. The teacher was like, well, at least I get my errands done. I’m only in here about 10, 15 minutes tops. Yeah, this kid looks all right, I guess. Come on, kid. You got foundation on, kid? What is that? This guy looks like he’s… destined for great things. Nah, kid. You got a lot of pimples there. Blind man can read your face, kid. I’m telling you. Holy cow. Recording has stopped.