Growing pains. Experiencing heartbreak with lovers and friendships – let downs, disappointments, and trials didn’t make it easy for me to hold on to joy. Eventually my feelings caught up with me. My emotions began to run the way I showed up at work, with friends, family and in life. What I was trying to suppress on the inside was showing on the outside. At work sometimes I didn’t show up because I had been drinking the night before and I just couldn’t make it to work the next day, not with the way I was feeling. It was a “just can’t, today” kind of day. Those kind of days were starting to be less rare. I started missing birthdays and other things that were important to my friends and family. A flake. I was becoming a flake.

I started living my day to day in survival mode. I had two moods – If I could just get through today or drinks tonight?! How could I show up for anyone else if I could barely show up for myself? The only way I showed up for myself was in the most selfish ways. To feel better, for a little bit at least.

The things that use to bring me joy, didn’t anymore. Joy – the happiness that came when I truly felt content and at peace. I didn’t feel peaceful enough to be still anymore. Describing me before the heartbreak would sound like this; she loves to go for late night runs and back home to shower, get ready for a show or a movie and bakes brownies because that is her perfect balance. Other nights she likes to read or scrapbook (they call her young grandma at work). She has a cleaning playlist and early morning playlist because early mornings are her favorite. She loves her dogs and dogs that are not her dogs, so all dogs. She loves candles andcountry music. People ask her, “what don’t you love” because every song that plays she loves and every movie they watch, she loves!

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://bossbabeliving.home.blog/2021/01/20/dont-let-emotions-take-you-away-from-all-you-love-l-pt-1/