It's Not Weird, It's Russian!

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file A hunting we will go, a hunting we will go…. such a cliche, isn’t it? but true. Once a week I was being asked by my Russian friends “let’s go hunting.” So casual too… imagine going to a bar, meeting some people for the first time and saying “Let’s go kill something this weekend.” After 2 years I finally bit the bullet (see what I did there) and I tossed the thought around in my head; can I do this, am I this kind of person, am I not a conservationist, is this morally correct… the list goes on and on. Why is hunting so taboo?  It’s not poaching. Remember when the whole of UK and France were upset because certain beef products turned out to be horse? - what do you expect? If you don’t see what’s going down in the slaughterhouse, sorry, abattoir, you don’t know where your meat is coming from. That’s the risk of trusting a label. Don’t even get me started on McDonald's. Before I give you my final answer - let’s go through the process of going hunting in Russia.  Firstly, there are hunting seasons. You can’t just walk out the door, into a forest and shoot something. If you want to go through the whole list of game; check out this link http://www.russianhunting.com/hunting-in-russia But from first person perspective here’s how it goes down: Assuming you have your hunting camouflage, gear, ridiculous hat, gun, the next step is an early start. 6 am wakeup.  We arrive at the hunting grounds, handing over necessary documents (yes you need to prove who you are, have necessary licences, etc.) and from there you sit in a room full of dead animals staring back at you while you eat a little breakfast, drink coffee and prepare for what’s about to go down. We are all on this old army type of truck, semi-converted to be 5% more comfortable. 8 of us. All guys are psyched. They’ve been drinking vodka all night, getting themselves psyched up, some of them have got these guns that are like cannons, you know that could shoot a squirrel on Britney Spears’s shoulder or something. I got a double-barrelled rifle.  2 shots. That’s all you’re entitled to. 2 shots, 2 pieces of meat. Driving through the forest, along a dirt track. Early traces of winter. The first place we stop at, we need to walk through some bushes to stand on these wooden hunting platforms. Rule is simple; if it has horns or tusks, shoot it. Shoot in the direction he tells you to, and lastly, don’t shoot the crew who are helping to wrangle the wildlife in your direction. The first platform was uneventful; and the second… the funny thing is I said to my father-in-law; “this is how you put on a good show. You build the anticipation and then third time around you see something.” It’s showmanship 101. And I was 100% right. It was my first time. With 1 bullet I shot and killed a 160kg male Elk. Could have weighed more, who knows. But there are so many emotions once that trigger is pulled. But the overall concept of whether or not a person can or cannot do this; my feeling is that your mind is made up the second you walk through the door of a place like this. Hunter, or Gatherer? There’s no room for apology. And there’s no room for guilt. This animal exists to be shot and eaten - otherwise there would be a mall here instead of a beautiful forest, and him and his 2000 cousins wouldn’t exist. Imagine eating a steak across the table from the man who killed it and telling him off for it. It seems in a modern world, the necessity to kill has been passed on to someone else. We don’t all live on farms anymore. We don’t have to feed Bessy the cow for 2 years then slit her throat. Out of sight, out of mind. If you’re not a vegetarian… shut up, basically. Of course following this was the usual male camaraderie; drink this vodka, handshakes, but I don’t let it detract from the humbling moment myself and the animal shared. It feels like s

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file It’s not the imitation game, it’s the document game. Many people have asked for this blog Opus Dei that I’m about to unfold, so take a seat. You’re sitting? Good. So you want to immigrate to Russia? You have near maxed out your passport on pages (I don’t have a single blank page left as I write this.) You are ready to take that I-don’t-care-about-sanctions-or-speaking-English-so-much step! Some of us are lucky; our place of work can do all the paperwork for us, if we are immigrating for work purposes. Some of us are not so lucky; you and your other half (who is native Russian) have decided to make this 3 year visa and take on the burden yourselves. Somewhere in that brain of yours, this is a good, profitable idea. After all - millions of people run into Moscow every week, because apparently that’s where all the money is to be made. I’m focusing on the 2nd one;  PART 1: (Assuming you have done all the translations of your passport, have a copy of your wedding certificate, an apostille from your native country proving that you are not a criminal that also needs to be translated, etc). It all begins at this place; you make an appointment, show up to door number 16 or 64, at the set times they tell you. Here there is no queuing system. It’s very simply walk in, wait for one person with their eyes wider than everyone else to look at you, and you realise that you are next in line behind that person. The main problem is; there is no line. There’s no ticket system, just a door that opens and closes like some 6th grade high school principal meeting with disgruntled parents. An aggressive-looking woman will take your details, make a copy of your passport and give you a form to take the necessary tests. PART 2: You are asked to go to a hospital to give a urine sample. Note that this sample is then taken in for testing. This building is no where near the building from Part 1. PART 3: The aids test. If you have aids you can’t become Russian. That’s not to say that there are Russians who do not have aids. Again this test is done somewhere else; another building that is nowhere near the buildings from Part 1 or Part 2. Nope not even walking distance. Now that that is done, the sample gets sent off and you have to wait for the results. PART 4: The results are in! Now you need to go back to the building in Part 2 and Part 3 to retrieve these documents to give it back to the woman from Part 1. PART 5: First you have to pay for all these tests and the right to apply; this is done in another building in some other part of Moscow that is different from Part 1, 2 and 3. PART 6: Now you are back at the building in Part 1, seeing the same person you saw originally, and she/he accepts your offerings. But now the person who is applying needs fingerprints done. PART 7: The police station is only open to take fingerprints at set times - something like Wednesdays and fridays from 10am until 1pm. You would think that wanting to have your fingerprints done would be easy (after all, criminals get their prints done all the time) but to catch this man at the set times takes a bit of patience. By the way, the police station is nowhere near any of the buildings from Part 1, 2, 3 and 5. PART 8: Return to woman in the building from Part 1. Now it is sit and wait for 6 months until it comes through (during which time the woman will not contact you, you have to phone and find out.) It is my best advice to hound them; My temporary residence was issued in July and I received it late December. That’s 6 months of my 3 year residency used up. And let me be clear that when we called and asked if there was any way they could speed up the process they openly suggested we pay $1000 to them to get it done instantly. Yup, bribery. The truth was it was ready, and they were looking to scam an honest couple. I'm sure they'll de

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file If you are going to collapse, or call in an emergency, make sure you are in the city center. The hospitals outside the zone 2 border are like something from an eighties war movie. The building's are in need of a refurbishment. Drastically. To find doctors or specialists is a maze of doors (often involving you to drive to the other side of town, get some old yellow piece of paper from another doctor, then return back to your first doctor), which leads you with the belief that little has actually been resolved. Paperwork is done in such a horridly-antiquated way that you wonder if they've ever heard of 'windows' or 'Apple' in the electronic context. The system is outdated, and it's what makes Europe a power force forward in the medical sector. I half expected the doctor to pull out a jar of leeches their system is so old. The full force hit me when we took my wife to one of these so-called hospitals. People who had just been operated on we're lying in beds in the hallway. The rooms themselves didn't take less than three people. Nurses were susceptible to bribes for better conditions. According to law they get paid more money if they can keep you in this bed for longer than 5 days. The nurses were taking blood, but forgetting to test for certain conditions, meaning they would only test again the next day, at their convenience. Whoops. This isn't healthcare. It's opportunism in its most evil form. My wife was being checked for a simple procedure, but in the room opposite her was a woman dying, and across from that a girl having an abortion, and across from that a woman about to give birth. It was a circus. The meal was grits, potato and water. The toilet door didn't lock and there was no toilet paper. The hospital bed's mattress was showing signs of (hopefully) old, dried blood. When my wife asked for hot water for some green tea they denied her. After day three of this hell, I kidnapped her, and took her home where she genuinely recovered. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. It made the NHS (which I always used to grumble about) seem like the Ritz Carlton. My advice; if you’re sick or hurt in Russia… don’t go to hospital. Check out my books here: www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file I was born in England. Not exactly forged in snow (as I was born in July) but I had a strong self-belief of being able to withstand the cold. I was wrong. In my heart's core I'm a southern boy. Give me an African coast. Give me Florida heat. Moscow has the extremes; albeit a short summer, it's worth seeing. And experiencing. There are some awesome little fake beaches about Moscow with pools and loungers. There's even the tropical bar setting to drink beer and pass out in the sun. Not many people know this, but Russia fires chemicals into the air on special days to ensure it doesn't rain (can you say damage to the environment?). The chemicals would go great hand in hand with car methane emissions. The heat is so much that the roads must be sprayed with water so the tar doesn't melt. The two weeks of autumn can be some of the most beautiful settings in Russia. Orange, purple and red leaves as though a painting has jumped out of the canvas. The only complaint is the cotton trees; the balls of fluff nearly choking you to death down every second street corner. Apparently Stalin had something to do with this. Spring is a torrent of rain rivaling that of what I've witnessed in Africa and Florida. Thunderstorms that make you drenched in seconds. Lightning that makes you paranoid enough to switch off all your electronics. The winter on the other hand... Prepare for 6 months of isolation. I have a running gag with friends involving the Game of Thrones quote "winter is coming." Rumours are that this is what vodka was invented for. Moscow's drop (or should I say "plunge") in temperature is so sudden that it causes severe headaches. True story. My wife and I woke up one night almost screaming from the pain as the pressure squashed our brains. Living all over the world I've experienced a lot of weather, but nothing like this. The weather is so bad it gives you a headache? Come on! Really? Prepare for your lungs and face to ache in the cold, but when it's over you'll say "that wasn't so bad." Check out my books here: www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  Russia has an amazing taxi system; stand on the side of the road and stick your arm out, and someone will pick you up. I kid you not. The car will be a square item from another time, but the fair will be cheap. What's scary is I've seen young girls doing this. Maybe I've watched too many horror films, but if a beautiful person climbs in a vehicle with an odd-faced character wearing driving gloves (be prepared for that) their odds of showing up on the back of a milk carton are fairly high. If gambling isn't your thing, there's a taxi service called City Mobile. The App can be downloaded to your phone and you can order a taxi to your door. You can even track the progress of your taxi on his way to you. While this sounds too good to be true it's because it is; I've ordered one or two taxis where I can see the person accepting to drive me is far away, he clearly accepted the order to be a greedy little cabby. This means, if I've been monitoring his progress, that I have to order another, wasting my time. Next problem; for some reason you're car driver likes to call you. Why? You have the pickup destination with an alert sent to your phone that says he's arrived. Why would I want to talk to you? What do we have to discuss? You know where to find me and you know where I'm going. Especially if you don't speak Russian, it can get tiresome to say the least when these characters call you to tell you they're 2 minutes away. Yes, I can see your car on the app, dumbass. It gets frustrating to a degree that you would rather walk 500 miles (queue the Proclaimers) in the snow then put up with this unnecessarily lost in translation mess. Next is the cab fare. The app calculates an amount for you, so you'll know if you're getting ripped off. The main bonus is cabs are still a damn sight cheaper than most major cities. Check out my books here: www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  Where to begin... Let's see. First is the journey down to the famous metro. The escalator seems like an endless tunnel to hell for most commuters, and I've often fantasised about them installing a slide for those of us that grind our teeth at waiting on an escalator. Try walking up or down them. I dare you. In Russia to do this every day would be enough for a short gym session (could explain the lack of joggers.) The metro themselves are marble wonders. Impressive but on first try are perhaps too complex. A pleasure for first time tourist gawkers but a pain in the ass for regular commuters. The crisscross of walkways and lack of English signage make for a frustrating campaign for tourists. How are we to know that on the metro map, where it shows circles over stations, that it means they are linked and can be walked to. And not a quick walk I might add. Everything in Moscow is a journey (or trek for the South Africans reading this.) Rush hour is insane. I've been in the March of the Penguins at Waterloo station. I was one of those sad penguins. This is some other kind of monster; a Russian wave of pushing and squeezing (let's just say Russians aren't afraid to get up close and personal when it comes to our personal space) that makes you yell in your head "how can there be this many people in the world?" It's chaos. It's rude for lack of a better word. Some trains are brand new with (thank the Lord) English beneath the Russian words. The older trains are some death machine from the 70s. Listening carefully for the name of your station otherwise you won’t know where you are. The trains are very Loud. Very very very loud. Squeaky. Swaying like a ship in a storm. I've climbed on and off the wrong train so many times in the beginning it became not funny very quickly. The good news is that the trains are fairly consistent; one every two minutes give or take. Lastly the consumers; there will be the usual suspects; beggars, old ladies, people carrying bags way too big, little kids, people selling stuff, stinky people, bearded people, but the amount of black people in Russia that I see; if I count more than two for a whole month, this is standard. For a kid growing up in Africa, seeing this many white people is just down right odd. The naughty raisins are missing from the pudding, so to speak. Here, they call Islamic or Armenian "black." That's Middle-Eastern. Or Indian, etc. Black is African. Black is black. White is white. You get the idea. Check out my books at www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  Yes, yes, just like the Scorpions song (who make a living out of visiting Moscow often to sing that one track that I never heard of until I moved here.)  - - - Listen to it here The thing is Gorky Park is something to write home about; in the summer it's the epicentre of all that's fun and happening in Moscow; over-priced drinks (in Russian terms anyway), lots of little eateries... But that's not the main pull. Volleyball, ping pong, skating ramps, biking ramps, dancing, cycling, outdoor cinema in English (gasp), paddle boats, roller blading (all of which can be rented if you bring your Passport along?). If you want to chill and relax there's beanbags and sun loungers. Benches overlooking a dancing fountain. Interesting displays and statues. Some of the Russian girls will simply sunbathe in their Victoria’s secret if the day is hot enough (yes, boys, this does happen on occasion.) On the other side of the bridge paintings and decor are for sale. It has to be seen and experienced to be enjoyed. Winter time it becomes a wonderland that I dare say Hyde Park pales in comparison. Gorky is converted into a giant ice rink with wooden platforms crisscrossing above. You can skate your way to an Italian restaurant and have some glue wine, then somehow skate your way back out. It's so well done you can't fault it. It is the Russians ace up the sleeve. To visit Moscow and not go here is to go to London and not see Buckingham Palace. Yes, it's that important. Check out my books at www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  I know a lot of good Russians. This chapter is about the cliche; what you will, without doubt, encounter. This is not to say all Russians are like this. Let's get to it. From my observations the average man in Russia is 6 foot tall. He owns a pair of blue denim jeans and a black leather jacket. Though majority of them are shipped off to compulsory military training they do not appear to be overly muscular, broad shouldered or dangerous. He doesn't wear gel or wax in his hair. When you see them you will feel like you are in the set of Party of Five. That's right, a 90s theme television show. You will feel like you are from the future. I was wandering around like Marty McFly with my mouth open. Next, the girls. Russian women are, sorry to disappoint women of the world, naturally beautiful. Most have slim figures, chisel like features and good nails. Wearing big fur coats is a sign of wealth in Russia. Most people tell me it's in their genes that they all look slim and healthy. I say it's this: A: Russia doesn't have a massive junk food regime as Europe or the States. Most people have cold soup for starters. This is super healthy. Most of their produce is natural and organic. B: they aren't a huge drinking culture. You don't have pubs on every corner, which means you don't have pint after pint. Thick cut chips aren't a regular in restaurants. The alcohol they do have is either neat spirits (very few use mixers) and/or a glass of wine, and most people don’t drink as they have to drive. That being said, I believe it's their diet that keeps them slim, as I don't see many of the locals running about the car-fume infested streets. There are a modest amount of gyms, but strange that they are top Contenders for gold medals at the Olympics. Jogging and cycling isn't huge on their to-do list either. In Gorky Park you mainly see skaters and roller bladers (again a 90s reference.) The work force is fairly straightforward. Not many people run around in suits as you see in cities like New York or London. In winter Russians wear the famous Russian hats (shapka)- capable of folding over your ears, back of your neck and your face (why?). For the older generation, wearing a big fur coat was a sign of wealth. Some of this ideology has rubbed off on the younger generation that isn't against slaughtering mink.

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  Traffic is a way of life in Moscow. It seems to me that people in Russia wake up and decide “I think I’ll climb in my car and drive on the freeway just so I can be a part of the traffic,” even if they have no reason to be there. I’ve been stuck in traffic jams at 2am, Moscow time. It is insane. For someone like me who believes every second of my life is a god/universe given gift, this is a waste of a life. The reason the traffic is so bad; A: If there is a fender bender (sometimes even a scratch), the cars have to stop dead where they are and wait for the police to arrive on the scene, assess what happened, and then things can proceed. Ridiculous, right? In a world of smartphones and modern technology, no one is capable of exchanging their insurance details, taking photos (possibly uploading them to a traffic police website), or even able to pull away to the side? Really? and B: most of the cars are not road worthy. Russia is pretty lawless when it comes to vehicles. Cars drive without plates or have their plates covered in enough dirt and soot that you can’t recognise the numbers. I’ve seen vehicles chugging along that wouldn’t even make it down the road in London. One such death design is a monster I’ve used on numerous occasions. It’s called the avtobus (or Mashrootki). Not the big bus, that looks clean and slow, I’m talking the little mini-bus that you stick your hand out and he near rolls his vehicle to pick you up. In British terms, it’s dodgy. The automatic doors have sharp pointy bits that could cost you some digits. There are no seat belts. Hell, some of the chairs are barely secure. The first one I ever travelled in had a broken sunroof, and it was raining. Then there’s the driver. While travel is relatively cheap in Moscow, it appears he (because it’s always a HE) would do anything for this 35 Roubles (less than 50p with the current exchange rate) fare.  The problem is he takes your money and gives you change. And his phone is in the other hand… while he is driving!  I kid you not. The next part to mention is that you have to yell to the bus driver to stop. “Stop” isn’t used in Russian, you would have to say “ostanovit pozhaluysta” which is a mouthful for any Brit, I guarantee. Russian is rated as the third most difficult language to learn in the world (behind Polish of course), and majority of bus drivers are not native Russian themselves (I’m talking Kazakhstan, Armenia, Mongolia) and English isn’t in their repertoire. My wife often laughs at some of the things I used to say to the driver, thinking I was saying the correct Russian phrase. One time I asked him “can I drive?” instead of “can I stop here?” I’ve had moments where I’m watching an interaction between a driver and a potential costumer, where it looks as though they are yelling at each other. This is normal apparently. They are just “discussing things.” Let’s back track to the 35 Roubles. Russians enjoy the old school handover process. Pass this along. While that works with your classmates, a bus full of strangers coughing and touching each other’s dirty pennies leaves you feeling in need of a shower just from passing along some coins. Hygiene takes a back seat to laziness. Check out my books at www.jamesbrough.com

Subscribe in a reader If you cannot see the audio controls, your browser does not support the audio element or Right click to download the audio file Or listen on Soundcloud!  First, let’s talk about currency used in the market. Roobal, rubble, potayto, potarto, makes no difference. All shops take Rubles. The coin system is too much extra effort. There are five different types of notes and six different coins. It’s worth noting that most businesses in Russia pay in Rubles or Euros. Theres’ the 10 and 50 kopek coins (which you can’t buy anything with.) Then there’s the 1, 2 and 5 Ruble coins (which you can’t buy anything with.) From 10 Rubles onwards it becomes interesting. There’s a 10 Ruble coin and note. Russians love their loose change. They LOVE it. So much so that you are often asked by the person at the checkout counter for their loose change.  “Do you have 99 roubles?”  “No… why would I if I gave you a 100 Ruble note?” Bizarre. I’m rubbing my hands together as I type (if that’s physically possible) with gems to share with you from Russia’s depths. Bizarre items... Fish being clubbed to death… ah, it’s a writer’s dream in there! A live fish tank... Isles and isles of frozen food that isn't covered up... Birds in the isles ... Tellers who ask you for more loose change...The list goes on. While it's great that majority of  shops are 24 hrs, Alcohol is only available until 10pm. I'm told it's to stop the alcoholics. Surely, if you're an alcoholic, wouldn't you also be drinking during the day? There are some exceptions that sell alcohol until 11pm on certain days (eg; Azbooka Vekoosa – kind of the M&S/Morrisons of Russia as at this store you find most foreign produce, but it is a tad pricier.) The service can't really be discussed as there isn't any. Asking for help or paying with a large note can get you shouted at, or dirty looks, depends on what the person had for breakfast that morning. The bakery isn't much to write home about; while they do have some tasty jam-tart like cookies, the baking seems more conservative and not as fat-filled as the European standard. That's to say if you want a good Victoria sponge or a scone you have a snowball's chance in hell. Milk is called Moloko. For the life of me I can't figure out which one is full cream (as they have 0,1% up to 5%. Where's 100%?) Dangerous to the sweet-toothed; condensed milk comes in a sealable sachet. Yum yum! The salmon comes in cheap and plentiful. Caviar comes standard. It's decently priced and often served with pancakes or sushi. Russians are consider the largest tea drinkers in the world (google it). Coffee is expensive. Apparently it doesn't grow too amazingly in all these Russian forests. That's right, lads, beer is cheaper than coffee. Book tickets now... Check out my books at www.jamesbrough.com