It's Only In Trying

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Good grades, college, law school, married, a baby. I did it all right, and in the right order. And then I got divorced. This week: why the pressure to be perfect keeps growing (and where it’s really coming from), why the mess you’re hiding probably looks like courage to everyone else, and what happens when you stop living for what you’re “supposed” to want. Plus a line from Steven Pressfield that stopped me cold.

Citations

Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192–205. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000120 (may require institutional access)

Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2022). You and I both: Self-compassion reduces self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(7), 1054–1067. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211031080 (free full text on PubMed Central)

Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138 (free accepted version via LSE Research Online)

Curran, T., Hill, A. P., & Pose, P. M. (2026). Perfectionism is accelerating over time: A cross-temporal meta-analytic review of 35 years of college student data. Psychological Bulletin, 152(3), 255–287. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000518 (free accepted version via York St John University repository)

Frank, B. (2022). The science of stuck: Breaking through inertia to find your path forward. TarcherPerigee.

Pressfield quote: Steven Pressfield, The War of Art (2002), as cited in Frank (2022), p. 183.

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It happened again. You’ve explained it a million times — where the spreadsheet lives, how to load the dishwasher so the straws don’t melt — and they still don’t listen. Then the one time you say it bluntly, suddenly you’re the mean one. This week: why “put yourself in their shoes” doesn’t work as well as we think, what actually does, and how to repair things without rolling over. Plus a lesson from Elaine Welteroth on intent versus impact.

Citations

Eyal, T., Steffel, M., & Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000115 (may require institutional access)

Levine, E. E., & Cohen, T. R. (2018). You can handle the truth: Mispredicting the consequences of honest communication. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(9), 1400–1429. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000488 (free PDF available on the author’s site)

Welteroth, E. (n.d.). Navigating cancel culture [Video lesson]. In Elaine Welteroth teaches designing your career. MasterClass. https://www.masterclass.com/classes/elaine-welteroth-teaches-designing-your-career/chapters/navigating-cancel-culture

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A friend told me I need to brag about myself more, so here goes: I got into the first cohort of the MasterClass Executive Program with Chicago Booth, and last weekend I met my fellow cohort members in person. What made that room so different? Everyone was in "yes, and" mode. Today's about what happens when you lead with "yes, and" for the people around you, and what happens when you finally do it for yourself. Plus a little Ted Lasso, because the timing was too perfect. 

Citations

Berkemeyer, L., Binnewies, C., Hilbert, M., & Maunz, L. (2025). Creative and healthy through improv: Effects of training improvisational theatre on creative and work-related self-efficacy and self-esteem. Thinking Skills and Creativity, 56, 101757. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tsc.2025.101757 (free, open access ✅)

Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228 (may require institutional access)

Schwenke, D., Dshemuchadse, M., Rasehorn, L., Klarhölter, D., & Scherbaum, S. (2021). Improv to improve: The impact of improvisational theater on creativity, acceptance, and psychological well-being. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 16(1), 31–48. https://doi.org/10.1080/15401383.2020.1754987 (may require institutional access)

 Rubin, G. (2026, August). Liz Moody's secrets of adulthood. Secrets of Adulthood. https://secretsofadulthood.substack.com/p/liz-moodys-secrets-of-adulthood

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You can't see a bubble from the inside. At a recent conference, one manager said what was true on the ground, and I realized my "table stakes" weren't everyone's. This week: the curse of knowledge, why good ideas often start in someone else's room, and one question to ask a person whose day looks nothing like yours. 

Burt, R. S. (2004). Structural holes and good ideas. American Journal of Sociology, 110(2), 349–399. https://doi.org/10.1086/421787 (may require institutional access)

Camerer, C., Loewenstein, G., & Weber, M. (1989). The curse of knowledge in economic settings: An experimental analysis. Journal of Political Economy, 97(5), 1232–1254. https://doi.org/10.1086/261651 (free PDF: https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/sds/docs/loewenstein/CurseknowledgeEconSet.pdf)

Pew Research Center (2026). https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2026/06/17/americans-and-ai-2026-chatbots-smart-devices-and-views-on-impact/

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Kelsey asked for a podcast about how much I love her, so here it is. This week's about why saying "I love you" once was never going to be enough — and why the Twinkies you randomly bought your friend at the grocery store might matter more than you think. Turns out there's actual research behind both the saying it often part and the saying it specific part, and Kelsey's getting the loud, weird version either way. 

Floyd & Morman (1997) — DOI only, may require institutional access

Meier et al. (2024) — free via PMC ✅

Algoe, Kurtz, & Hilaire (2016) — free via UNC repository ✅

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So many people are doing "the most" these days... And it makes me feel like I should be, too. But, today, I talk about why "the most" is actually the worst. You are on track - despite what Instagram tells you. Let's get into why today!

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Stop wasting all of your good advice on everyone else. Let's figure out how to take a step back and save some of that sage wisdom for ourselves.

Grossmann, I., & Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox: Self-distancing eliminates the self-other asymmetry in wise reasoning about close relationships in younger and older adults. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571–1580. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614535400 Free-access alternative: author-uploaded PDF via ResearchGate. Plain language: across three studies (~700 people total), people were consistently wiser reasoning about someone else's relationship problem than their own identical one, until they were instructed to view their own problem from an outside observer's perspective, which erased the gap.

Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J. S., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035173 Free-access alternative: University of Michigan/Berkeley RASCL lab repository (PDF). Plain language: across seven studies (~585 people), switching from "I" to one's own name or "you" during self-talk under stress, even silently, improved emotional regulation and clearer thinking, without requiring any other reframing effort.

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When we find a reason to respect people, even the ones we actively dislike, we allow ourselves to clear that mental clutter and, in turn, make ourselves more likable.

A couple of awesome people referenced today:

Curtis, R. C., & Miller, K. (1986). Believing another likes or dislikes you: Behaviors making the beliefs come true. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 51(2), 284–290. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.51.2.284

John Gottman and positive sentiment override - What is Contempt? Understand one of the Gottman four horsemen.

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We all love a story with a good ending. Facts. But the middle is where the action is. It's where growth and life happens. It's also the best part of any great story. Don't be afraid to share during this epic part of your life's journey. Don't wait until the end to enoy it.

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Being clear with yourself on what you actually need, want, or feel, is the most radical form of kindness. The expert actually mean that you should provide clarity as a form of kindness to others, but, I'm selfish and want to apply everything to myself first. Wow, I'm already being so kind to myself. Enjoy!

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