Summary

Jan describes himself as a global citizen. He is Turkish, Kurdish, gay, and HIV positive, and he's had to come out about each of those identities separately. Growing up in Ankara, he learned early to hide parts of himself. Kurdish was spoken at home but never taught to the children. It was too dangerous, too divisive. By fourteen, Jan had figured out that status and achievement could compensate for ethnic complexity. By the time he realised he was gay, he understood that no amount of status would protect him. His ticket out was a scholarship abroad.

The plan worked. Jan got his master's degree in the United States, had a job lined up, a future mapped. Then Covid happened. He lost his visa, his right to work, and found himself back in his parents' flat in Ankara, confined with them for 34 days straight during lockdown. A casual homophobic remark made him snap. He came out as gay in the middle of a pandemic, in a 70-square-metre flat, with nowhere to go.

He had arrived in Turkey with two weeks of PrEP left. There was no way to get more. When lockdowns lifted briefly, he met someone, asked if they were on PrEP, was told yes, and chose to have unprotected sex. Two weeks later, burning with fever, convinced it was Covid, he tested negative twice before realising it was HIV. The healthcare system was overwhelmed. Hospitals wouldn't admit non-Covid patients. Jan had to fake having Covid just to get through the doors. A doctor saw him in her personal time, sleepless after a night in intensive care. He borrowed money from friends, persuaded a pharmacy to release medication before state reimbursement came through, and took his first pill in a park, crying with relief.

Jan's voice has been altered for this episode to protect his identity. He is not yet out to his parents about his HIV status. He is still learning what it means to him.

Timestamped Takeaways

00:02:14 - Three identities to hide. Jan grew up in Turkey, a country of hidden diversity. Kurdish was spoken at home but not taught to the children. Being gay added another layer. Being HIV positive came later.

00:02:50 - Forced assimilation. The Turkish nation-state was built on a new meta-identity. Armenians, Greeks, Arabs, Circassians, Kurds—all were expected to sacrifice their past to be accepted. You learned to be overly apologetic, to over-tolerate hate remarks.

00:06:28 - Growing up in Ankara. A boringly stable place, very safe, but suffocating for a young gay person of mixed ethnicity. Jan went from school to home, avoiding the other kids. It felt too exposing.

00:08:29 - Status as armour. Up to fourteen, Jan focused on hiding his Kurdish identity through achievement. Power and status could compensate for ethnic complexity. Then puberty arrived, and he realised sexuality couldn't be hidden the same way.

00:09:25 - The scholarship. Jan worked hard for a scholarship to go abroad. He felt doomed if he stayed in Turkey as a gay man. Freedom required leaving.

00:10:18 - Covid takes everything. Jan had his master's degree, a job lined up, plans. Then the pandemic hit. He lost his visa and had to return to Turkey, back to the same environment he'd fought to escape.

00:10:56 - 34 days in 70 square metres. Confined with his parents during lockdown, a casual homophobic remark made Jan explode. He came out as gay. The world was doomed, people were dying, and the people who were supposed to love him were saying something offensive about who he was.

00:12:15 - Two weeks of PrEP left. Jan had been on PrEP in the US. In Turkey, it was nearly impossible to access—expensive, available only in select pharmacies in Istanbul, unknown to most doctors.

00:14:55 - Risk perception shifts. When you're deprived of touch, when nobody has held you with care, your risk perception changes. You start questioning less. The conversation about PrEP became performative: do you miss intimacy? Do you want this moment where two bodies connect?

00:18:39 - Convinced it was Covid. Two weeks after unprotected sex, Jan was burning with fever, convinced he was bringing Covid home to his parents. He asked them to leave. The tests came back negative. Twice.

00:20:28 - The phone call. A private clinic ran sexual health tests. Hepatitis C was negative. The HIV result was sent to public health authorities. Jan knew.

00:21:21 - Alone at home. The first time HIV hits your body, it feels horrible. Jan sat down and cried, then got up and asked himself: what have I actually lost? If he could get medication, nothing.

00:25:26 - On the state roster. In Turkey, once public health confirms your status, you're in the system for life. It affects everything, including mandatory military service. HIV-positive men are exempt.

00:25:52 - Faking Covid to get through the door. Hospitals wouldn't admit non-Covid patients. Jan pretended to have Covid to get past security. The clinics were ghost towns. The doctor who finally saw him was sleepless, zombie-like, but attentive for two minutes. It was enough.

00:29:06 - Ten pharmacies. Jan borrowed $500 from friends, went to pharmacy after pharmacy trying to persuade them to release medication before state reimbursement. A pharmacist—Jan suspects he was gay—finally agreed.

00:29:37 - The first pill. In a park, removing his mask, Jan took the pill and couldn't stop crying. A cry of relief. He was grateful for every activist who had brought treatment to this point.

00:30:50 - The clock ticking. At 25, Jan would lose his parents' health insurance. Without a job, he couldn't afford $430 a month for medication. His horizon shrank to earning $400 to survive.

00:33:09 - A new identity. Unlike being Kurdish or gay, being HIV positive was something Jan acquired, not something he was born with. He's still forming an opinion of it in real time. That's why he hasn't told his parents.

00:33:57 - Gratefulness. Every time Jan takes his pills, they're distilled with achievement, struggle, hope, resilience. HIV reminded him of everything he's capable of. It gave him life immunity.

00:38:42 - Sharing is healing. Jan shared his status with dan after watching a rough cut of season one. The sharing motivated more sharing. Being positive is a positive story.

00:40:16 - The state as salvation. Growing up Kurdish and gay, Jan had a complex relationship with the Turkish state. The first positive relationship he formed with it was through HIV care—non-judgemental, paid for, stable. He's now on a clinical trial for once-weekly pills.

00:44:09 - Nothing is guaranteed. What's given can be taken away. Gay people shouldn't take progress for granted. We live in a post-truth age.

00:45:59 - Commemorating the unknown. Jan doesn't know anyone who died of HIV. But he feels the legacy viscerally. His pills exist because of their deaths. He commemorates those who lost access during Covid, those in conflict zones, those dying still because of poverty and international disgrace.

00:48:05 - The postcard. "Peace. Full stop."

00:48:37 - Three identities. Kurdish. Turkish. Gay. HIV positive.

Guest Bio

Jan is a 27-year-old Turkish Kurdish gay man living with HIV. Diagnosed during the Covid pandemic while confined with his parents in Ankara, he navigated a healthcare system overwhelmed by the virus to access medication. His voice has been altered to protect his identity. He is not yet out to his parents about his HIV status. He now lives in London and is participating in a clinical trial for once-weekly HIV treatment.

Resources

1. Terrence Higgins Trust - tht.org.uk - UK's leading HIV and sexual health charity
2. NAM aidsmap - aidsmap.com - Information on HIV and AIDS
3. Positively UK - positivelyuk.org - Peer-led support for people living with HIV
4. UNAIDS - unaids.org - Global HIV statistics and advocacy
5. Kurdish Identity and Support: Assemblies for Democracy
6. HIV & Human Rights (International): UNAIDS
7. Refugee Support UK: Refugee Council
8. Turkey LGBT+ Rights: KAOS GL

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Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp