I walked through Austin with Dan Guiry, and this conversation was 20 years in the making. We started on Congress Street and wound our way down to 6th Street, hitting every major comedy venue along the way while catching up on two decades of chaos.
Here's the thing about Dan—I met him 20 years ago in Calgary when he was 19 and had done maybe three open mics. Someone told him "You gotta see Rouse, he's crazy." So he shows up, I'm with four pirate-looking ladies, and I ask this kid if he wants to come fuck these bitches with me. He tells me he's a virgin, almost shits his pants, goes home and "feverishly jerked off." That's how we met in 2006.
Fast forward four years, Dan's been touring across Canada five times and moves to Toronto. Then he gets into the San Francisco Comedy Competition, doesn't win, and decides to hitchhike to LA. This maniac puts his thumb out on the highway with just a guitar and a burner phone. He messages our mutual friend Brian O'Gorman asking what to do, and O'Gorman tells him to hit me up. So Dan ends up staying at my LA house for 10 days and we just partied our asses off.
I took him to this VIP nightclub where my buddy Chris, a top-tier club promoter, gets us in. We're dressed like shit—I'm in this, Dan's in jeans and a t-shirt—and we walk past the line into the basement private club. I ask Chris if I can smoke, he calls over 12 bouncers to circle our table with their backs to us, and I'm doing lines and smoking cigarettes while everyone in the club is staring going "Who the fuck are these guys?" Then we hit Bar Sinister, the vampire bar, did absinthe, watched some light BDSM, and Dan was thoroughly confused by the whole experience.
Walking through Austin, we ran into my ex Brendan Lemon with his new girlfriend (had to keep a face on), saw Harland Williams which gave us Canadian hope, and encountered Robert Orlando after his "47th gay joke." The whole walk was punctuated by these meat fan hair dryers blasting beef smoke everywhere—apparently that's just Austin at dusk.
Dan's been in Toronto raising his seven-year-old son, and I've been calling him every 3-4 months for four years going "You gotta get out, man." He always had excuses—the kid, the family, whatever—but I knew if I kept pestering him, eventually a door would open. Toronto used to be like Austin is now: five shows a night, banging around the city. Then COVID destroyed it. The only game in town was those park shows, which were awesome, but the city's just not the same anymore.
Meanwhile, I moved to Austin five years ago after Red Ban came out here for the Kanye West episode with Rogan. I showed up during COVID curfews because I had Slipknot tickets, and I've been here ever since. Got my green card after a 20-year journey that started in 2001, cost $15k, and involved getting turned back at the border and living in Europe for six years.
Dan's been here nine days and he's already hooked. We hit Houston to see Adam Ray kill for an hour, went to Casino El Camino for the best pastrami burger either of us have ever had, smoked cigarettes in bars like Dan fucking Guiry, and I took him to my first open mic signup ever (I thought it was Kill Tony auditions—rookie mistake). We walked past the Mothership where I've performed 10 times in four years without being booked, hit Vulcan Gas Company which was the only spot doing comedy during COVID, passed the Velveeta Room where Doug Stanhope used to hold court, and ended at Creek in the Cave for my Nightmare Before Christmas show.
We even stood in the spot where someone got shot yesterday. I'm like "You're standing in their blood" and Dan looks down horrified. The bullet hole's still in the door behind us.
Dan's going back to Toronto tomorrow but he's already planning his return. For the first time in his life, he's got hope again.
