The School Of Unlearning With Elisa Haggarty

Jordan Dann On Rupture & Repair in Relationships

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This is the first episode in a five part series on relationships and we begin with an in depth look at relational rupture & repair with Somatic Therapist and Relational Psychotherapist, Jordan Dann. 

"The best thing we get to do on this planet is be in relationship. And it’s the only thing we aren’t taught how to do.” Jordan Dann

Covering a wide array of topics and tools within rupture & repair, Jordan Dann provides insight into attainment, slowing down, the role of a therapist and client - and how we can begin to reimagine conflict as not a barrier, but as a bridge to connection. 

Here are the top 10 take aways from this beautifully insightful conversation: 

  1. Attunement begins with being present. 
  • Most people’s idea of slow is still really fast. Going slower, at quarter speed at any activity, opens up the landscape of choice. 
  • A bid is a reach for connection. When we miss bids of attention, this is when ruptures occur. The Gottmans say that couples who are masterful at rupture and repair cycles, have 80% satisfaction and wellbeing in their relationships. 
  • "You have to allow the repair to be a singular event, and not another log on the bonfire of resentment. Your reception and “thank you” and being able to fully let it go and move forward is as important as saying, 'I’m sorry.'" Jordan Dann
  • Our attachment system is really forgiving. Ed Tronick cites in his research that we only need to be in attunement 20-30% of the time. Our attachment system is really forgiving in that respect. 
  • All conflict is in essence, an objection over difference.
  • "Until you understand what's running the show, you aren’t running the show, your unconscious is. Explore the enmeshment of your origin family and how a lack of differentiation is impacting your ruptures." Jordan Dann
  • BRING play and laughter more into the rupture and repair cycle: couples lay down on the ground while arguing, it helps de escalate the issue. When repairs go well, we can celebrate with each other. This is how you create a story about how you fight, if you celebrate and review the success of it. 
  • We need models of health relationships, of ones who have ruptures and repair. We spend far too much time commiserating vs seeking out and being with others who repair well. 
  • Specific appreciation is essential. And in order to be specific, we must be present and attuned. 

    • For more on Jordan's work, follow her on Instagram www.instagram.com/jordandann and check out her offerings at www.jordandann.com 

    References: 

    Ed Tronick research: "The Still Face Experiment" 

    The Gottman Institute

    Elisa Haggarty is a Conscious Leadership Coach who works with executives and teams to shift the way people relate and collaborate through radical responsibility, curiosity and emotional intelligence. You can follow her work at www.instagram.com/elisamaryhaggarty and www.instagram.com/thesoulpodcast



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