Every time I watch other doctors, I become so convinced that this medicine, I must do it. Yes, now it looks like everything else I'm doing is far away from that path but I get so sure each time that this medicine oooo, whether we like it or not, we must do it.

There are other concerns like will I do well? Will I be a good doctor? but right now, it's like I just want to get back into the system, and I want to graduate.

God knows I will be one of the happiest humans on earth when I graduate 🥺(maybe not). Because I know what it took for me to get there.

I feel like I don't know anything now, but I just look forward to when I'll be a practicing doctor; to when I will know what I'm doing; when my life will have direction🥺

God, please.

I try not to think about it, though, because it makes me cry and feel useless that I'm doing nothing about my life.

So many things seem unclear. It seems like the more I want it, the farther I'm away from that path. The farther life's taking me away from it. Maybe not, but that's just how I'm seeing it now.

I tried to get a job, and I was thinking I should not be here. But I need to get the job so that 1. I'll get the money and 2. I'll not be feeling useless, doing anything whilst I'm waiting for my student medical journey to recommence.

I was working a trial at a job, and I was so excited about learning, trying, and doing new things. And I felt bad for feeling excited about something non-medical related. I was like,'I wish it was something medical-related I was this excited about. Here, I am getting excited at something miles away from medicine when we're not even sure if we'll get to do the medicine thing again.'

I avoid reading anything medical-related because I feel like they're just a reminder that I'm not in the system. Although I woke up this morning feeling like I should still try to learn it (regarding the clubbing thing). But it all feels meaningless when I'm not even close to walking on that path. God help me🥺🙏

Sometimes, when I see Nigerian friends, I ask myself if I should just go back to Nigeria and just take whatever they'll offer to give me. At the same time, I think it's unfair to me because I know how sad I was when I was in Nigeria. I know how much I wanted to leave. And now, because of how everything seems to be, I want to just run back?

I don't know. It's just hard trying to think of what lies ahead and what to do.

Just got me thinking, maybe it'll be easier back in Nigeria. I don't know. Just maybe. Sigh.

You know, someone asked me why I wanted to be a doctor when I told him that I must see this medicine thing till the end. That I came this halfway and I can't turn back. I don't even want to. He asked why?  That was it for my parents? I said, No. I'm way past the point where I'm doing anything for my parents. That is just something that I know I need to do. That I must do for myself. I just know this with conviction.

Like it doesn't matter how long it takes, I must get there. Giving up isn't in my dictionary, but the whole process of getting there is where my real agony lies. If it's not the admission, it's the fees. Everything!

God help me.

It's well.

Seeing Dr. Egbemba's (aproko doctor's) story just made me cry so much and woke up that suppressed longing of me wanting to be a doctor.

I hope I get there. I hope that when I do get there, I'll be a terrific one. In the meantime, God, please help me get there and see me through the entire process.

Because, to be honest, I've lost interest in everything else because this one thing isn't going well. I'm basically just doing every other thing because I have to, not because I want to or because I enjoy it. It's well!