"I thought I heard from God"… "I thought I was led by the holy spirit." These are the thoughts that came to me when things all of a sudden came to a halt. the halt wasn't the problem because my faith is solid--- I'm used to maneuvering, but what do you do when your plans are interrupted? Lord, why have you forsaken me is the first question I asked when things began to change direction or in my mind crumble. I have people looking at me crazy…I have my kids looking at me like mommy you have to handle this going from hotel to hotel sleeping in my car, rejected from family; All because I trusted "THE VOICE" that told me to go. I still can't believe I drove all the way across the country to lay my head down it took us 10 days ( that's another story for a different blog). I know the holy spirit led me to take a step of faith so I did and everything seem to go left after I took a faith leap. I lost almost everything.
I had a dream that this guy quoted this scripture that was also given to me by a wise lady...Matthew 23:12. I must be feeling humiliated. I never thought that humiliation was what I was feeling. I didn't take the moment to feel I just knew that I had to survive and handle things that were slowly crumbling. At times you become so engulfed with the survival of life you become so numb or desensitize that you can block what God is trying to reveal to you. I had gotten so used to handling things (leaning onto my own strength) even after prayer. Although I know or believed I knew what the Lord was telling me I still didn't surrender all areas of my life ...I didn't surrender my anxious thoughts. I wanted so badly to prevent failing or disappointing my children that I would do anything even going back into survival mode to keep us afloat. I didn't realize that this was my pattern of survival and that it would eventually lead me to this halt.
I know God deals with the heart. I am afraid, anxious, angry, embarrassed, confused, rejected, and fearful. I have nothing but my kids, my faith, and I'm literally starting over in a place of the unknown. The scripture I hear is Matthew 23:12 it talks about humility and pride; it speaks on how God honors humility but the pride will eventually be bought down. What's funny is that I thought I gave God all of me...I thought I surrendered everything, but It is evident that I didn't. To the place(s) God is taken me I needed completely surrender--even my anxious thoughts.
I want to be humble. The three people that came to mind during this time are Job, Joseph, and Jesus who were all humiliated. Job lost everything only to be exalted after and rewarded with double. Joseph lost everything was counted out by his brothers and thrown in a pit to die, but he was exalted later; he even told his brothers after everything that occurred; "you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good"- Genesis 50:20. Then you have the Kings of Kings, Jesus who was betrayed, denied, rejected, and humiliated, but he still walked in his purpose---upright. He never shrunk to the standards of what naysayers believed. In the garden of Gethsemane, he asked for the cup to be taken from him but then surrendered because he wanted the will of God. He gave his anxious thoughts to the father. He amongst all was humiliated, beaten, and mocked for us all and for the greater purpose. The King of all, Deity, left his throne went literally through hell and back for us. He never shrunk because of what others said about him he knew who he was and knew the purpose of his why.
