Karin Walker - Family Lawyer - How to leave a Narcissist - the Practical Podcast

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Despite the 'tinsel' and celebrations, Christmas can be a difficult time. When you are separating and have children, particularly if you are separating from a narcissist, the festive season can be fraught with complications.

Narcissists hate special occasions - and are keen to cause havoc and chaos  for everyone around them unless, as part of their fake persona, it suits their narrative to look good to the outside world.

Trying to work through the minefield of Christmas arrangements can become all consuming. A narcissist will delight in any ability to take control and 'call the shots'. They will also delight in causing upset and distress at what should be a happy family time.

In this podcast I offer strategies to deal with these issues - to try to stay one step ahead of the game and anticipate a situation rather than simply react to it - whether you are in the early stages of separation or having to deal annually with your narcissistic ex. 

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In a high conflict dispute it is highly likely that one of the couple will drive the proceeding to Court - insisting that a decision is required by a Judge - thereby increasing delay and cost. Since 2012 in financial remedy proceedings and 2016 in Children Act proceedings those decisions can be made by an Arbitrator.
 
 Narcissists thrive on the 'courtroom' drama - keen to take 'centre stage' and force the other person to endure unnecessary cost an distress. They may be persuaded to consider arbitration due to the 'bespoke' nature of the process and it's consequential  'specialness'.
 
 Tristan Harvey (currently co-chair of the Resolution NCDR committee with Elaine Richardson - a future guest on this podcast) is an experienced barrister and mediator specialising in Family Law dispute resolution. Tristan is also an arbitrator in financial and children cases and conducts private FDRs and early neutral evaluations.
 
 In 2020 Tristan was appointed a Deputy District Judge on the South Eastern Circuit.
 
 In this podcast Tristan looks in detail at the process of arbitration and how it can be of material benefit in most cases which require an adjudication.

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As we know, Narcissists thrive on the drama of the courtroom - especially post separation. When they are low on 'narcissistic supply' they are likely to try to take you back to court - especially in connection with child arrangements (particularly in the run up to Christmas) or ongoing financial support - the purpose being to cause maximum upset and distress, and, of course, to try to force you to incur further legal cost.

Many people in this situation have no choice other than to represent themselves - a prospect which can be daunting to the point of terrifying. 

In this podcast Richard Uridge discusses how to represent yourself in this situation to your best advantage - removing the 'fear factor' and providing 'top tips' to help you focus on achieving the best possible outcome.

Richard is a poet, journalist and broadcaster I Media and presentation skills trainer. 

Richard's fascination with the business of presenting can be tracked back to an unfortunate incident involving a toilet window and a bed of nettles! Spectacularly misjudging an after-dinner speech he had been asked to give (and spectacularly misjudging the strength of the complimentary wine), he decided leaving through the window during a drinks break was a safer option than ploughing on. And so it would have been but for the stingers lurking the other side of the frosted glass.

He learned from his mistake (research the audience, don't drink, always carry a pair of leather gardening gloves) but never quite escaped his rural roots and went on to present programmes such as Farming Today and Open Country on BBC Radio 4. His audiences as a broadcaster regularly topped the million mark although he'd be the first to concede that a live presentation to an audience a fraction of that size is way more nerve-wracking when they are in the same room.

Richard has been passionate about communication - and words in particular - since he landed a job as a cub reporter on the Reading Chronicle in the days of inky-ribboned typewriters and hot metal printing presses. He writes about it at blog.acmtraining.co.uk. And e stands up and talks about it at every opportunity, chairing conferences, giving speeches, contributing to podcasts like this one and, of course, delivering training.

These days, though the typewriter has been pensioned off, his fascination with words continues through his poetry which you can read at richarduridge.com

This podcast is equally informative for Litigants in Person and legal representatives.

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This podcast is intended for both family law practitioners and separating couples - explaining in detail the process of hybrid mediation and the benefits which it can provide. 

Following the change to the Family Procedure Rules in April 2024 there is now a much greater obligation to explore Non Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR) options with an application to Court being very much the last resort.

 In circumstances where there is high conflict or some form of domestic abuse mediation has historically been considered 'unsuitable'. The suitability of the court process in these situations is however undoubtedly questionable. 

Hybrid mediation creates a much 'safer' space for couples to resolve the issues between them. The mediator's ability to hold confidences means that each of the couple can share their fears and concerns without these being shared with the other person. each of the couple, if they so choose, can be supported by their legal advisor throughout the process and the couple can remain in separate breakout rooms, either on screen or in person ensuring that they do not need to have any contact at all during the meetings with their spouse/partner should they prefer not to do so.

Without doubt hybrid mediation will be more time and cost efficient that an application to the court. Hybrid mediators have specific training in the area of high conflict and personality disorder making this process ideally suited if one of the couple is believed to be narcissistic. The opportunity for the narcissist to take 'centre stage' is removed through the separation of the couple during the meetings - yet they are likely to be attracted to the sophistication of this process.

Suzanne Kingston is widely known for her expertise in all aspects of family law work and has one of the most varied practices in London. She trains all forms of dispute resolution not just in England and Wales but around the world. She has a thriving mediation practice and indeed is credited with spearheading  family law arbitration worldwide. Suzanne knows the benefit of 'finding the deal' and is exceptionally skilled at guiding clients to find a sensible settlement hence why she is held in such high regard, both nationally and internationally, as a dispute resolution expert.

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Narcissists are very poor at forming relationships with others in every area of their life. As a consequence they will often be self-employed. Their lack of empathy can  make them extremely successful in business but with that comes a lack of desire to be clear and transparent about their business ventures. It is therefore highly Likely to involve the services of an accountant to provide a valuation as a Single Joint Expert to value the business(es) or to act as a shadow accountant to advise on information provided.

In this episode Karin Walker discusses the complex issue of business valuations with Kate Hart of Quantuma. Kate acts as an expert witness and advisor for individuals and corporates, with her experience ranging from owner-managed businesses and partnerships to large multi-nationals. She has over 20 years experience as a forensic accountant and is most frequently instructed as an expert witness (both as a party-appointed and single joint expert) although she also provides advice to clients at the preliminary stages of legal disputes.

Kate focuses on producing work that can be readily understood by the non-accountant and is often told that her ability to explain things in plain English sets her apart.

The discussion covers what to look out for and how to get the best out of the accountant instructed (on either an individual or joint basis) and is intended to provide information and tips both for the client and their legal advisors.

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Nova Gibson is the Director and Founder of Brighter Outlook - Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service, where she is the Primary Counsellor. She is the 'go to' Counsellor/expert on narcissistic abuse recovery in Australia. In the last 10 years she has supported over 3,000 individual clients, who believe they were abused by an undiagnosed narcissist to leave their relationships, heal once their relationships have ended and lead happy and fulfilled lives without their abuser.

Nova's book 'Fake Love' is a number 1 best seller on Amazon in Australia and a 'must read' for anyone who finds themselves locked in the  trauma of the narcissistic cycle of love-bombing, devaluing and discard. 

In this interview I explore with Nova the importance of therapeutic support when leaving a narcissistic relationship and discuss strategies for breaking free from the horror of narcissistic abuse.

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Family Lawyer, Karin Walker discusses the impact of post separation narcissistic abuse and how to deal with this -  ensuring that you do not unwittingly continue to provide narcissistic supply - even after the relationship is over