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Keeping Score: How to Work Through Resentment and Find Your Best Friend Again in Marriage
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We can harp on him all day, but it won’t change a thing. Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are gasoline on a weak fire. If you’ve felt yourself keeping score, pulling away, or replaying the same argument on loop, you are not alone. I’ve been there, one month from divorce with court papers filed, before I chose the hardest path of all: working on me first.
What Resentment Really IsResentment is that bitter indignation that whispers, “I’m treated unfairly.” It grows when you carry the mental load, feel unseen, and start believing you’re the only one holding the family together. Soon, you’re not just tired. You’re tallying. Every dish, every pickup, every promise he didn’t keep becomes another mark on the scoreboard.
The Friendship You Forgot You HadCouples often think communication skills are the magic fix. “Use I statements. Reflect what you heard.” Helpful, yes. Sufficient, no. Dr. John Gottman’s research is clear: the strongest predictor of relationship health is friendship. The real shift happens when you remember this person is not your opponent. He is the friend you chose.
Ask yourself two questions and write your answers:
- When did I lose my best friend?
Think of your early days. The encouragement. The benefit of the doubt. The little rituals that said, “I see you.” Somewhere along the way, resentment crowded out the friendship. The goal is not to ignore problems, but to return to a posture of support so you can solve them together.
Vulnerability Beats Keeping ScoreKeeping score feels powerful in the moment, but it slowly erodes trust. Vulnerability does the opposite. It says, “Here’s what hurts and here’s what I need,” without the armor of sarcasm, the weapon of the past, or the silent treatment that withholds touch and connection. Many men gauge the health of the relationship by intimacy because they struggle to name emotions. That doesn’t make them wrong or you the teacher. It means both of you need a safe place to be real.
Try This Reset- Name the shift. Share one moment you noticed yourselves becoming less like friends. Keep it specific and short.
If you both keep pulling away to avoid being hurt, you will still be hurt. Disconnection is a slow divorce. Choose courage in small, consistent steps. When you change how you show up, the relationship changes with you.
If you’re ready to rebuild from the inside out, start with you. Therapy or a guided resource can help you reconnect with your identity and lead your relationship from strength, not resentment. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.
Useful links:- Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.
As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.
Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.
Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.
Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop, you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!
Thanks for listening!Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast on Apple Podcast {previously iTunes) and subscribe!
The post Keeping Score: How to Work Through Resentment and Find Your Best Friend Again in Marriage appeared first on Empowered and Unapologetic.
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By Veronica CisnerosListen on Apple. Listen on Spotify. Listen on YouTube.
We can harp on him all day, but it won’t change a thing. Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are gasoline on a weak fire. If you’ve felt yourself keeping score, pulling away, or replaying the same argument on loop, you are not alone. I’ve been there, one month from divorce with court papers filed, before I chose the hardest path of all: working on me first.
What Resentment Really IsResentment is that bitter indignation that whispers, “I’m treated unfairly.” It grows when you carry the mental load, feel unseen, and start believing you’re the only one holding the family together. Soon, you’re not just tired. You’re tallying. Every dish, every pickup, every promise he didn’t keep becomes another mark on the scoreboard.
The Friendship You Forgot You HadCouples often think communication skills are the magic fix. “Use I statements. Reflect what you heard.” Helpful, yes. Sufficient, no. Dr. John Gottman’s research is clear: the strongest predictor of relationship health is friendship. The real shift happens when you remember this person is not your opponent. He is the friend you chose.
Ask yourself two questions and write your answers:
- When did I lose my best friend?
Think of your early days. The encouragement. The benefit of the doubt. The little rituals that said, “I see you.” Somewhere along the way, resentment crowded out the friendship. The goal is not to ignore problems, but to return to a posture of support so you can solve them together.
Vulnerability Beats Keeping ScoreKeeping score feels powerful in the moment, but it slowly erodes trust. Vulnerability does the opposite. It says, “Here’s what hurts and here’s what I need,” without the armor of sarcasm, the weapon of the past, or the silent treatment that withholds touch and connection. Many men gauge the health of the relationship by intimacy because they struggle to name emotions. That doesn’t make them wrong or you the teacher. It means both of you need a safe place to be real.
Try This Reset- Name the shift. Share one moment you noticed yourselves becoming less like friends. Keep it specific and short.
If you both keep pulling away to avoid being hurt, you will still be hurt. Disconnection is a slow divorce. Choose courage in small, consistent steps. When you change how you show up, the relationship changes with you.
If you’re ready to rebuild from the inside out, start with you. Therapy or a guided resource can help you reconnect with your identity and lead your relationship from strength, not resentment. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Click here to talk to a therapist. Click here to take my on-demand 4-week course to reignite your marriage and reclaim your identity. Or, click here to explore my on-demand 2-hour workshop to reconnect with your partner.
Useful links:- Join our FaceBook Page – Empowered and Unapologetic
Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, helps women stop fighting the same fight on repeat and start truly connecting in their relationships.
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 12 years of experience, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving women break out of destructive conflict cycles and build healthier, more connected relationships—without losing themselves in the process.
As the founder of Outside the Norm Counseling, marriage coach, and host of the Empowered and Unapologetic podcast, Veronica brings a no-nonsense approach to relationship healing. Her clients know—she doesn’t do bandaids. She gets to the root.
Veronica’s guidance blends practical communication tools with deep emotional insight, empowering women to challenge old patterns, repair emotional wounds, and foster real, lasting change in their marriages and families. She’s walked the walk too—with over 25 years of marriage, three daughters, and a thriving career, she knows what it takes to navigate the messiness of love, parenting, and personal growth.
Whether she’s working with couples in her practice or coaching women through relationship burnout, Veronica helps people shift from blame and burnout to clarity, compassion, and collaboration. Her honest, relatable style—and that sharp wit—make her a trusted voice for women ready to stop surviving their relationships and start thriving in them.
Whether you listen to the podcast, join the free Facebook community, or do the Workshop, you’re in the right place. Let’s do this together!
Thanks for listening!Did you enjoy this podcast? Feel free to share this podcast on social media! You can also leave a review of the Empowered and Unapologetic Podcast on Apple Podcast {previously iTunes) and subscribe!
The post Keeping Score: How to Work Through Resentment and Find Your Best Friend Again in Marriage appeared first on Empowered and Unapologetic.