Stories this week include:

• Epping Forest police constable finally begins to justify salary.
• South Norwood Animal Rescue and Liberty (SNARL) continue push for global domination.
• McDonald's customer politely asked to leave after dining with axe.
• 'Celebrity' fabricates invasion of privacy story to raise funds for second pair of Bermuda shorts.

Also revealed: We discuss the upper age bracket to have your picture taken with a Shetland pony...