Stories this week include:

• Electro Smog set to release comeback album produced by Noel Edmonds.
• 31 years of karate experience failed to prevent savage attack on washing machine.
• Vicar invokes diplomatic immunity from the Almighty following drunken arrest.
• Department of Work and Pensions refuses to apologise for placing all pensioners in 'non-working/technically deceased' group in order to re-calculate benefits.

Also revealed: We explore the weird and wonderful submissions for 'the episode' competition...